World Series of Bird Watching Begins

Posted on Friday, October 24, 2008

Deep in the Pine Barrens, in the cranberry bogs of jersey, a group of individuals prepare themselves for the thrill of a lifetime: to be crowned champion of the World Series of Birding.  Last year's champion, Rodney "Swampsparrow"  Sinclair is charged, to put it mildy, to retain his title.  "Swamsparrow", as he prefers to be called in Birding circles, became infatuated with ornathology while incarcerated at Rahway state prison-serving a five year sentence for the armed robbery of a clamming vessel off the coast of Highlands, New Jersey in the Sandy Hook Bay. Sinclair shows little remorse for the crime, stating "all I got were some fuckin' clams and a Blockbuster video membership card for the Rout 36 Blockbuster...only".  Regardless of his criminal background, Sinclair is a self-taught expert on the various species of birds living in our great state, and the mid-atlantic region.  As he speaks about his passion, you can almost see his eyes well up with tears of joy.  Statements like, "I'll go fuckin' anywhere to see some wild turkeys" make it difficult to hold his violent past against him.  "Swampsparrow" is definitely a lover of all God's creatures, and from all of us here at the Manic News desk, we wish him the best in his pursuit of a repeat. 

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Extreme Badminton Finals

Posted on Friday, October 24, 2008

Quite popular in Asia, but now taking the world by storm, Badminton is a sport not to be scoffed at.  Many of the worlds most talented players have gathered in the bucolic hamlet of Tinton Falls, New Jersey for the Breakfast at Badminton Finals.  There has been vigorous heated competition over the past week, including the much talked about match between Vin Takalousis of Santorini and Mehmet Ali-Cambaz of Anatolia.  Arriving in New Jersey a week early, and spending much of their time at local watering holes like Bar "A" and Joey Harrison's Surf Club, Ali-Cambaz and Takalousis managed to get their dose of Jersey Shore culture.  While attending the Little Miss Salt Water Taffy beauty contest in Seaside Heights, Ali-Cambaz and Takalousis set their eyes on the contest winner, Janine Andropoti, of Little Egg Harbor.  It is said that Janine gave both of them blow jobs in order to let her drive their matching mustang rental cars from De La Soul rentals in Manasquan.  Somewhere between blow jobs and Badminton, Andropoti made her decision to spend the rest of the week in the arms of Ali-Cambaz.  Takalousis is not one to lay down easy, and he took it to the court.  But precision and an overpowering backhand gave Ali-Cambaz the win on the court, and in the bedroom.  Ali-Cambaz now faces Yuri Bagalov, the Siberian Sensation, in the Extreme Badminton Finals.  Tune in for the match at Manic World of Sports.

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Local Insurance Salesman Sets Sights on Helsinki

Posted on Thursday, October 9, 2008

MP -  Alan Benderhoven, local insurance salesman from Whispering Hallow, NJ, is training to be the world's fastest speed walker. Benderhoven's first step will be to win the NJ Speed Walking Championship, then the United States Championship, and ultimately the World Speed Walking Championship held in Helsinki, Finland.  Benderhoven is the subject of international documentarian Valentino Shwarshardgard's latest project "Helsinki". "Alan is truly an inspiration to anyone who dares to dream," comments Shwarshardgard. Shwarshardgard's critically acclaimed documentaries include "Shirley Temple - Sweetheart to Slut", "The History of Band-Aids", and the award winning "My Scary Childhood".

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80's Hair Band Legend Cited for Open Container

Posted on Thursday, October 2, 2008

MP- *80's rock God, Drake Minsk, famous for the smash hit "Earth Day is for Pussies", was recently cited for an open container while walking down the street in lower Manhattan. Ticketed for an open container of alcohol, and for being publicly inebriated, Minsk became ornery, and lashed out at the patrolman on the scene. Minsk was quoted as yelling, "Those fucking environmentalists!! They're late on their rent again! I can rock out if I want to! Do you know who the fuck I am?" After receiving a warning, and signing a few autographs for the boys down in the 41st precinct, Minsk was spotted again stumbling down the street in the West Village, sucking on a can of what reportedly was Keester Dark beer.

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