Whispering Hollow, NJ. – Local Whispering Hollow Police Officer, Butch Sugarman, was taken into custody today. Officer Sugarman was found naked on his lawn yielding a plastic candy cane in what appeared to be the result of an argument with his wife of 22 years.  Neighbors say, “He was naked, screaming obscenities and swinging a holiday decoration, wildly.” Mrs. Sugarman was unavailable for questioning, but witnesses say,  “She was in her night gown, spitting eggnog on her naked husband, when the Police arrived to the residence.” Local Mailman, Stewart Swagger, discovered the Sugarmans on their lawn and over heard the couple’s argument. Swagger states, “Butchy was naked yelling at Phyillis about Danny, Daniel McSwigtits, our Danny.” Daniel McSwigtits, a local football hero and beloved son of the Quarry owner, Mickey McSwigtits, is a cherished, hard working member of society in the peaceful common wealth of Whispering Hollow, N.J. No formal charges have been made in what appears to be a domestic violence dispute. When asked about his involvement in this bizarre incident, Daniel McSwigtits, stated "I hate my job" and nothing else.

George O'Dowd, better known as the frumpy front man Boy George of Culture Club, was found guilty of beating an escort with a metal chain for attempting to flee his love nest in London. Norwegian Audun Carlsen, male escort (it is still unclear whether he is of Nordic descent ), said that his refusal to take a tumble with George lead him to a frightening evening of torture while being handcuffed to his bed. Boy states that he was merely detaining the sexual professional while he investigated the possibility of the "gentlemen of the night" hacking into his laptop computer.  Boy also stated that he had no issue with the Norwegian's request to use his computer to check his hotmail account .  It was only when he heard the voice of Pete Townsend on the line via a skype phone conversation that he knew the Norwegian had tapped into his small community of friends that he shares child pornography with on Sunday afternoons. Hence, the melee ensued.

Ballet afficianado, Bryson Shiverpond is torn to pieces over the arrest of his close personal friend, Boy George.  Shiverpond was expecting Mr. George to come to New York for a visit, and a possible collaboration on his latest project, "Dance til it hurts", which was supposed to premiere at P.S. 1 this spring.  The two were to begin brainstorming on the scenic design of the piece at the Galapagos Arts Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, because George just really loves their Mai Thai's.  But that won't be happening any time soon, and the fate of the show is now blowin' in the wind.  So Shiverpond sits in his lower east side apartment with the colors of a very sad chameleon coming and going on his face.  He says he'll do whatever he can for his friend, but admits that he is mostly feeling sorry for himself. 

   After more than a decade of separation, former college roommates and best friends Erik Sprague and Jordan Gecko have decided to meet up again. Apparently this will not be a friendly reunion. According to Mr. Peters, the time apart was due to an old grudge which he now wants to settle once and for all.
   The two attended Hartwick College in Oneonta, NY. Both studied philosophy and both became interested in challenging the ideas of what it is to be human. They both underwent major transformations.
   Mr. Sprague spent several years transforming his body though tatooing, piercing, and other body modifications such as Teflon horn implants and a bifurcated tongue (split tongue). He is now referred to as The Lizardman and makes his living as a performance artist.
   Mr. Gecko, on the other hand, tried to turn himself into a chicken. Realizing that stuffing eggs into his rectum was not the best of ideas he then tried to become an armadillo, a rabbit, a giraffe, an electric eel, and a pony. All attempts failed miserably and then one night, after some heavy drinking, he accidently hypnotized himself into believing he was an actual gecko. The spell was permanent. Years of psychotherapy have been spent to reverse the effects of the drunken night, but have only been mildly successful. Mr. Gecko now calls himself The Geckoman and makes his living selling bonds on wall street.
   The grudge the two have was apparently over a coffee mug. Geckoman claims that Lizardman stole his favorite unicorn painted coffee mug. Lizardman has said that this is a lie and added that his penis is bigger than Geckoman's penis.
   Manic World of Sports covers the long awaited stand-off. The winner leaves with the extremely gay unicorn coffee mug and bragging rights to having the biggest dick.