Twitter: Teaching Failures The Art of Failing

Posted on Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Klauss Gerhardt, the abstract artist and long-time failure, known simply as “Klauss,” loves when Twitter gets so bogged down with traffic that he can't post a message. It allows him the opportunity to, “see the beauty that is the fail whale.” Twitter's "fail whale," a giant whale being lifted out of an ocean by a small flock of tweeting birds, appears when the site is overrun, and is so popular it's on T-shirts and even tattoos. The icon -- which Twitter users call the "fail whale" because the creature appears only when the site has failed to load -- has gained a cult following as the social media site grows at breakneck pace.

Twitter, which lets users post 140-character micro-blogs, saw a 1,374 percent jump in unique visitors between February 2008 and February this year, up to 7 million from only 475,000, according to Nielsen NetView. With all of those new Twitterers, fail whale sightings and site crashes seem more frequent.

"I love that it is growing to the point that we will no longer be able to micro-blog,” explains Klauss, “we will only be able to sit, and watch this adorable whale; but also this thing that represents the Herculean tasks that we sometimes go about from day to day. I have the image tattooed on my hush-hush places, and, like Andy Warhol,  I intend to re-interpret the image in all my future artistic endeavors.”

Klauss is not the only Twitterer to feel this way. Bill (mr_bill on Twitter), a 36-year-old San Franciscan, has organized parties in honor of the whale. The most recent, held in California in February, was attended by more than 300 people, including Yiying Lu, the artist in Australia who created the image. Bill, whose fail whale parties have featured an aquamarine martini in honor of the icon's color, said the whale's popularity comes from the idea that failures are worth celebrating and learning from.

"We're all trying to do a lot of things that seem pretty impossible," Bill said. "It's nice to identify something positive with those failures."

Paul Paulson, long time friend of Klauss, and serial failure, attempted a similar “fail whale” party on the East coast, but tragically it was a complete bust.

“OMG, I felt like Jimmy Fallon on his late show!!!, “explains Paulson, “awkward, anxious, unable to talk to anyone one-on-one.” It seems that the group updates that intended to crash the system were not working. “We were all doing the usual things,” reveals Paulson, “you know, trying to take that 'What are you doing?' question literally, and put very inane things in our updates every, like minute, but we just couldn’t get the glorious whale to show itself!  I was tweeting friends that couldn't attend (manic, CP, CW, TW33), and was really trying to push my own boundaries with witty “speed” updates, because I’m in training for next years Shorty Awards (The year's best producers of short* content 140 characters or less, on Twitter). I couldn’t BELIEVE that I didn’t win anything this year, but the whale has taught me to keep at it.”

It seems that Twitter is adjusting to the new “fail whale” obsession.  Twitter co-founder Biz Stone wrote in a statement to CNN, "We have made amazing progress from a technical perspective as far as accommodating this rapid growth goes and will continue to improve system and subsystem performance moving forward," So will Twitter’s advancements break up this new cult of complete failure junkies?

“Not at all,” opines Klauss, “We have failed. We must learn from failure. We must embrace our inner whale, and begin again.”

“Oh, we’ll see more and more of the “fail whale” in the future,” states Paulson, “ Celebrities are adding to the site's mainstream popularity, school’s in England are replacing studies about WWII and the Victorian Period with Twitter classes to expand communication! Imagine tweeting your teacher a 140-character book report on Moby Dick? I would love it!! People talk. That's what we do," continues Paul, "We're social creatures. We're kind of wired for this. We’ll overwhelm the system again. It’s only a matter of time before the “fail whale” will be a constant. If at first you don’t succeed…you know?"

The fail whale's account on Twitter has more than 2,265 followers. A Facebook group dedicated to the whale has more than 4,400 members. The whale has spawned art and merchandise, from coffee mugs to baby clothes.

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Mickey Rourke Wrestles Frosty Paws

Posted on Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mickey Rourke, who recently made a comeback of epic proportions in the Wrestler, has found himself wrestling new demons now that the Golden Gates of Hollywood are again open, and flush with opportunity.  “Sometimes all you’ve got are your dogs.  So I’d like to thank my dogs,” said Rourke during his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes.  Well it seems that Rourke’s dogs are his top priority, and may also lead to being his greatest downfall.

On the night of Saturday March 27th, Rourke and his companion Jaws (a Chihuahua), found themselves feverishly canvassing the Greater New York Area in search of a delicious doggy dessert: Frosty Paws.  This special snack can be just as addicting to dogs as Frozen Yogurt is to the fashionably health conscious downtown hipster-and the quest for it, can turn a sleepy Saturday night into a full-on melee.  That is exactly what happened to the former Pope of Greenwich Village in his old movie-making stomping grounds just three nights past.

“Everything was OK until he realized we were out of The Frosty Paws,” said Rupinder Swaminathan, proprietor of The Beasty Feast on Washington Street in Manhattan’s Far West Village.  “He just started walking around and moving his fingers through his hair… and pacing.  He was very upset.  I tell him, ‘no Frosty Paws today…tomorrow … Frosty Paws. Come back tomorrow.  We are closing.’  He just went crazy… just like that … crazy.  He started to empty out bags of dog food and screaming nonsense.” 

Mr. Swaminathan continued, "He was saying, 'I can’t live in your golden palace Tully…I can’t fuckin’ live here,' over and over again… he was repeating.  He said, 'I’ve been everywhere man don’t you get it? I’ve fuckin’ been everywhere.'  Then he looks over and sees my dog Sammy, and he turns around real slow, staring at my face and says, 'I know you’ve got some fuckin' Frosty Paws in here bro.'  Then he started to race towards me.  That is when I became frightened for my life."

It was only when Rourke accidentally stepped on the tale of Mr. Swaminathan’s cat, Pepper, a full-bodied Tabby, that he seemed to surface from his spell of rage.

Realizing that he had injured an innocent animal sent him reeling.  “Mickey began to weep almost instantly.  It was kind of touching to see his love for the helpless beast.  That is when I saw in him what everybody else sees in Mickey Rourke: a winner.”

Rourke stumbled out of the Beasty Feast weeping as he collapsed onto the sidewalk staring at Manhattan’s elite arriving in town cars for a night of debauchery in the meatpacking district.

“And there he was crying with the headlights in his eyes, and he was saying 'I fucked up…I fucked up.'  He grabs my hand and looks at me in the eyes… holding his little doggy, and he say’s  'I love you Brother… Brother I love you … I’m sorry, it’s just the fuckin’ Frosty Paws man,' and he got himself off the ground and walked away.  That was it,” explained Mr. Swaminathan.  “I do love him.  He’s not afraid to say he is sorry.  Mickey Rourke is a True American.”

Whether they are his demons, or the demons of his dogs, we hope that Mickey and Jaws finally found some Frosty Paws and settled down for the weekend.

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China Assures World That “Ghostnet” Only Targets the Dalai Lama…and Scott Baio?

Posted on Monday, March 30, 2009

 (MP) - Computer terminals around the world are on red alert in the wake of the discovery of China’s new “Ghostnet” malware. The network can not only search a computer, but see and hear the people using it.  However, Analysts in China are dismissing claims that nearly 1,300 computers in more than 100 countries have been attacked. "This is purely another political issue that the West is trying to exaggerate,", a Beijing-based strategy and military analyst, told China Daily, a state-run newspaper, “ what we do in our own borders is of our concern. Although the Dalai Lama must be discredited, the West can be assured that there is no espionage into their government, there is little to learn from them. However, Scott Baio…from him there is much to learn.

According to a Cambridge report, titled, "The Snooping Dragon: Social-Malware Surveillance of the Tibetan Movement," the discovery of GhostNet grew out of suspicions that the office of the Dalai Lama had been hacked. "GhostNet is capable of taking full control of infected computers, including searching and downloading specific files, and covertly operating attached devices, including microphones and web cameras," explain the report's authors, Shishir Nagaraja and Ross Anderson. “The Dalai Lama’s staff sent a foreign diplomat an e-mail invitation to meet the Tibetan spiritual leader, but before the Dalai Lama's people could follow up with a phone call, the diplomat's office was contacted by the Chinese government and warned not to go ahead with the meeting,"

The Cambridge report goes on to explain that, “Hackers gained access to computers in the Dalai Lama's office by tricking computer users into downloading attachments in e-mail which had been carefully engineered to appear safe. The attackers took the trouble to write e-mails that appeared to come from fellow Tibetans and indeed from co-workers. This was how they were so easily able to get to Mr. Baio,” the Chinese government has since confirmed, “he had responded to an e-mail from former girlfriend,  Erin Moran, in regard to a “Joanie Loves Chachi” re-make."

Song Xiaojun shows no discomfort when explaining China’s fascination, and constant surveillance, for the washed-up celebrity. “Need I tell you the list? Pamela Anderson, Beverly D'Angelo,Nicole Eggert, Erika Eleniak, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Svetlana Von Fleeden Fleiden Shlooden Shloden-Leibowitz, and of course, Liza Minnelli. China loves beautiful and trashy women," Xiaojun continues,  "but we are not a handsome race. Charles is not in Charge when it comes to his looks either. We have listened into his web streams, read his e-mails, followed his click through analytics. How he moves from Aveda.com, to Manicattack.com, and arrives at his own IMDB page gives us great insight into what makes him desirable. We have learned very much.”

When pressed to comment, Baio responded, "Of course I feel violated. But…my IMDB ranking has gone up 232% this past week.” And, as a direct address to the Chinese that are following him, Baio says, “No, I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but if you have an attitude like you don't care and you have something to back that up, like money or fame, it's a beautiful thing. It’s that simple.”

So, keep listening China, and the rest of the world may just start to tap into your system of information.

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Cougar Club Picks Perfect 10's

Posted on Monday, March 30, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe to go out in Red Bank, along came “The Perfect 10’s”.

"Being pretty isn’t easy.  Being pretty, smart, effective in the workplace, and a great girlfriend while maintaining a level of hotness that most people would call a “10” is nearly unheard of,” said Susan Teledonkiss, a 37 year old former Prom Queen and unofficial Cougar-in-Denial.  A self-proclaimed singer, songwriter, scientist, cat owner, and employee of the month at Barbizon Beauty School since they started the program in January, humility comes to Teledonkiss effortlessly.  “It takes dedication.  You might not make a lot of friends being a Perfect 10, but that's just what life is like when you're hot and...like really, really smart. You know what I mean?  I don’t get lonely though, because a lot of times I’d rather hang out with myself than someone less attractive, and not as smart.  But sometimes a girl needs to know that there are others out there like her, and it’s OK to be perfect. So, I decided to start a club where I could find Perfect Girls just like me.”

The candidate search for The Perfect 10’s Club brought Susan to Buena Sera, in Red Bank New Jersey.  Buena Sera is a much-heralded Italian Restaurant with red velvet chairs, plush leather barstools, dark mahogany tables, and elaborate chandeliers.  It prides itself on being super sexy.  The bar at Buena Sera is well known for its large collection of cougars, men with great hair, and an array of rich cologne and perfume that could rival a night on the town in Milan.

As I arrived at Buena Sera to meet Susan, I was greeted by a portly gentlemen with a thick nose, multicolored tight sweater, a great tan, and an air of superiority that one would expect to receive in such a super sexy environment.  When I asked where I might find Miss Teledonkiss he pointed upstairs to the bar area.

Susan was sitting at the corner of the bar wearing a tight, red, low-cut dress advertising the upper regions of her areola .  With her platinum blonde from-the-bottle look, and her steely blue eyes, she sat sipping a vodka cranberry.  She seemed to enjoy sharing her fairly-new silicone filled breasts with the bar crowd…so I joined her.

“I came in and sat down, ordered my drink, and he just gave it to me.  Didn’t ask for money or anything,” Susan giggled, referring to the bartender “it’s fun being me.”

As we sat at the bar, Susan scoped the area for potential cohorts of hotness.  Her stealth approach was reminiscent of a lone wolf quietly looking down upon a room of lesser beasts. The sipping and staring lasted quite some time.

“Not much going on here tonight.  Looks like I’m the hottest one in the room…again.”

As I looked around the room, there were plenty of smiling women with firm fitness club physiques enjoying their drinks, and laughing with friends.  Sure they were a bit older, but most likely former prom queens themselves.  So I decided to ask Susan why she thought these women were unworthy of joining in her quest for a Club of Aryan Smoke Stacks.

She began pointing out the imperfection in each of the individuals mingling in the bar area,” too fat…weird face…just eewww,” and so on. It looked like she wasn’t going to find any pals at Buena Sera, so I paid for my drink...Susan put on her coat, and I proceeded to walk her out.

“Excusme… excusme… SirI” I turned around to see that it was the bartender calling out to me.  “Yes”, I said. 
“The drink.  Aren’t you going to pay for it?
“I thought I did”
“No.  I meant the one for the lady”

I looked at Susan, and she immediately stormed over to the bar in a huff, and paid for her lone vodka cranberry. Turning from the bar she walked past me, brushed her hair off her shoulders and descended the staircase to the door.  I guess she was headed over to another Red Bank hot spot in search of free drinks and hot friends. 

When I caught up with Susan via email the following day, she apologized profusely in regards to her abrupt exit. "I don't usually do things like that. It's just like really, really hard sometimes when people give you mixed signals like that bartender. He only made me pay for that drink because you showed up. It's not your fault or anything :) Guys are just weird like that. So do you plan on doing a follow up story on "The Perfect 10's"?  I've taken my cause to the internet and am beginning to meet a lot of women who are just like me.  We're even looking into starting our own social networking site with the help of entrepreneur, Roger de la Soul.  Wish me luck :)."

We wish Susan the best in her cyber search for women who can't let go of their glory days. Hopefully she'll find all the validation she's ever needed to continue living her life as one of The Worlds "Perfect 10's".

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O'Riley Blames BVD's and Kenny G

Posted on Friday, March 27, 2009

(MP) – Bill O’Riley, host of the O’Riley Factor on the Fox News Network has become well known for his emotional outbursts, and his inflated sense of self.  So it comes as no surprise to learn that Bill is blaming it on tight underwear and Kenny G.

It seems that O’Riley who was partial to wearing boxers for most of his adult life, has revealed that his wife, Public Relations Executive and former girlfriend of Flavor Flav, Mauren McPhilmy, began purchasing BVD briefs for him in the mid 90’s, because she found the fit more aesthetically pleasing.  Around the same time, Mrs O’Riley also became a huge fan of Smooth Jazz Heavy Kenny G, and would demand that Bill dance through the house slowly wearing only his tight BVD briefs and black business socks as the musings of the whimsical Kenny filled their home.  Emasculated and humiliated Bill began to take it out on co-workers and even super market check out girls.

“Bill is a little bitch.  He always comes in here buying his little granola bars and whatever else.  I bet he likes wearing those tight underwear.  Probably likes Kenny G too,” said Amber White, Manager of the Food Emporium Grocery Store in Manhattan. “He even yelled at me once because we were out of sour patch kids.  Freak. ”

In an on camera breakdown, even more shocking than the well known, “We’ll do it Live”, video that has been ubiquitous on the internet, O’Riley let loose on Noam Chomsky in front of his other guest London Marriot: "hey look, you think you’ve got it so tough, huh?  My penis is slammed into my pants like a pancake, and I can’t get the Andrea Bocelli and Kenny G concert in Tuscany out of my god damned head.  Spend some time in my pants pal.  Let’s go to commercial.”

After the commercial break, he apologized to Chomsky, Marriot and the American People for his bad manners.

I'm sorry. What can I say?  I know I'm an asshole.  It's hard.  I'm trying to please my wife sexually, and at the same time losing my way.  I'm not a rapper.  I don't like smooth jazz.  I like long walks, country music and porn.  I'm a regular guy...really I am. It's just tough..."  After a weighted silence in which O'Riley sat still staring down the camera, he took off his microphone and exited the sound stage.

We are unsure if Mr. O’Riley will continue his pursuit of a career in journalism, but we can only hope his wife allows him to listen to cooler music, and that finds the right fit downstairs.

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"Sexy" Spiderman Causes A Stir

Posted on Friday, March 27, 2009

(MP) - Everyone’s friendly neighborhood hero has been under the gun this week, in not one, but two reports out of Millard, Nebraska. The first called for a Spiderman comic book to be banned from the Norris Elementary School for it’s sexually explicit content. The comic is part of a popular new series about the loveable web-head, and Donna Helvering, head librarian of the Millard School District, said it's been in high demand.

“Each book that lands on Millard library shelves goes through a thorough selection process,” explains Helvering, “We look at books, as far as age-appropriateness, we look at books for readability and we make sure that we're buying books that are appropriate for all our kids,"

However, not everyone agrees. Physha Svendsen, a mother actively involved with her four children's educations, believes comic books like the one in question hold little literary value, and that the one her 6-year-old son brought home is not age-appropriate for students and wants it removed from the library.

"It has a lot of sexual undertones in here, as far as sexuality goes," she said. "They can learn this through any other place, but it's not something I allow them to learn, in my house at least."

Ironically, this has lead to the recent deluge of reports coming in to the Manic Press offices in regard to the recent arrest of husband to Physha - Bjorn Svendsen.  Apparently, the school district is required to form a committee, evaluate Physha’s complaint within 30 days, and reach a consensus about whether to keep the book on the shelves of that library. In the interim, Svendsen said she plans to hold on to the book that her son brought home while the review process takes place. That book seemed to have an unexpected effect on the couple, as reports came in from all over Millard, in regard to loud moaning and crashing noises coming from the Svendsen’s home.

I came back from getting’ some jerky, and I done got see Spiderman runnin’ with his dingus danglin’ in the wind!” explains an eye-witness who wished to remain nameless, “I mean, I’ve seen some sick shit on that there, internet, thing-a-ma-jiggy! Like this one video, where this super hero is wearin’ fuckin’ women’s underwear! Super Man Thong I think it’s called? Not for me. Must be some fuckin’ faggots that made that shit. Anyways, Spiderman comes runnin’ naked as the day he was born out that there house, and a woman wearin’ a red wig came runnin’ after him with her titties flappin’ all out there. They were nice titties, but her cooter was more like my sheep dog Rufus than that little clean dog on them Taco Bell commercials. All of a sudden, they just stopped, dropped, and fucked! I couldn’t believe it!”

The police officer who responded to the call, was too late to catch them in the act. It was reported that Physha quickly ran away. But authorities did manage to corner Bjorn, and were able to arrest him after a twenty-minute stand-off. “We were careful with him,” tells Officer Farhar, “we thought he was on something. When we finally were able to question him, turns out he just got all sex-crazed from some comic book that he and his wife were reading in bed. The worst kinds of calls for us are ALWAYS domestic ones.”

Manic News tried to reach Marvel, Inc for a response concerning their most popular hero, but a spokes-person for Avi Arad, CEO of Marvel Studios, said that they have no comment on just how “sexy” Spiderman truly is.

In the mean time, the Millard School District still has not decided the fate of the book in question.

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Brandon Mavis Spotted at “Snip City” Before March Madness

Posted on Thursday, March 26, 2009

(MP) - "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." This is the Oregon Urology Institute’s radio spot that has been picked up all over the country. The March Madness vasectomy special is the brain child of Dr. Neil Baum: urologist, author (he's written five books), and amateur magician!

Dr. Baum offered up to 20 outpatient procedures to men in the days leading up to the big basketball tournament. The offer included a bag of frozen peas, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and a free pizza delivered to your house. “The motivation,” explains Braum, “ is that men can engage in the luxury of being able to have uninterrupted time to watch a national sporting event without having to take out the garbage or take the kids to music lessons. They'll have time to recuperate.” The special got so much publicity that hard-partying, trust-fund celebutard Brandon Mavis was spotted entering the institute.

Mavis, dressed out of season in his favorite Meat Shorts from the Weird Clothing Company (which he has been quoted to say are “f-ing carni-vicious man!”), has been in the news due to his latest sex-scandal. Mavis was arrested for publicly fornicating with a woman with a ScreamBody bag strapped to her face. The hot new alternative to video taping themselves, they would later squeeze it back in the privacy of his own hotel room, releasing the vocal elations, and masturbating on opposite sides of the room. “This is the fad for this irreverent generation. It’s healthy though,” explains Dr. Jesse Jamison, Mavis’ personal therapist, “there’s nothing wrong with sexual exploration. Brandon just needs to be careful.”

“I’ve been up in there, dropping knowledge and nut in chicks all over the world, “tells Mavis, “my dad told me that either I get married, with a pre-nup of course, or I make sure there’s no unforeseen seeds of mine, incubating in any oven somewhere. So, this deal sounded good. I can bag as many chicks as I want without any repercussions. Oh, and the peas thing sounded like a bonus.”

What Mavis is referring to are the benefits that are part of Dr. Baum’s special offer. “The magazine was something to keep them occupied and to enjoy during the recuperative period,” explains Braum, “and the peas are to prevent swelling after the procedure. The frozen bag of peas are placed on the genitals where it nicely conforms to the area where they had the procedure. Anything will work. It could be ice cubes in a Ziploc bag, but that can be cumbersome. Peas are anatomically adaptable.”

So what did Dr. Braum think of Mavis’ erratic decision to have the procedure performed? “It's the most effective method of contraception and the least expensive over the long run. Many men want to have the procedure done, but are scared. I wanted to try to entice men to have a vasectomy, make it convenient for them and motivate them to proceed. I think Brandon is becoming aware of his indiscretions, and growing into a responsible adult.” And what does Mavis think about this transformation into adulthood? “Yea, I guess, but I just love my hoops, man. Don't want to be bothered. Go Huskies!”

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Kim Jong Krispies: A Breakfast Cereal To Be Reckoned With

Posted on Thursday, March 26, 2009

(MP)- As if it isn't difficult enough to pick out a breakfast cereal at the supermarket, the decision just became that much more complicated with the addition of Kim Jong Krispies: the official morning meal of North Korea.

With a powerful dictator as its namesake, the Kim Jong Krispies brand has been finding its way onto shelves across Europe and North America.

“We intend to raise this violation of the Cereal Council resolution, if this continues, in our supermarkets,” Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said Wednesday. “This provocative action in violation of the WCO (World Cereal Orginization) mandate will not go unnoticed, and there will be consequences.”

“There has to be a better way for cereal proprietors to be able to share the marketplace, and that includes Sociopathic Dictators,” said Shannon Bonfonsis, Director of Marketing for the General Mills Corporation, and Secretary General of the WCO.  "Strong arming brands off the shelves, and at the same time isolating yourself from the Cereal conversation is not helping anyone."

The main concern for members of the WCO is the positioning of Kim Jong Krispies on the shelves.  In a deal struck with the Wal-Mart Corporation, Kim Jong’s brand was able to secure real estate on the second shelf up from the bottom, which is approximately 39 inches in height, and also the average height of a four year old child.

“This is a cereal…in attractive packaging …with professional graphics, and vibrant hues of color represented on both the front, and back of the box.  The cereal itself is yet again bright in color, and is in the shape of a Nuclear War Head. We have reason to believe that this will be very appealing to children between the ages of three and seven,” explained Philip Wentworth COO and Brand Director for the Kelloggs Corporation.  “I mean it’s got a good chance of blowing Frosted Flakes right off the map.”

The big question on the minds of the WCO members is, how did Wal-Mart allow such a gross violation of WCO standards to occur? 

"Amber Waves has been on shelf two since the inception of the WCO. Now, we’re on five.  We’re losing our grip on creating healthy children. Shop Rite, Food Town, Super Food Town and Pathmark are all in compliance. Frankly, the Food Town stores are refusing to carry the Kim Jong brand at all, and Shop Rite has only agreed to carry a limited supply through the end of the school year.  The only issue has been Wal-Mart.  We are all really shocked,” said Abner Greensteen, Spokesperson for the Granola Miles Group, (creator of the Amber Waves cereal series).

Bruce Thistlewaite, Public Relations Director for Wal-Mart declined to comment from Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas yesterday .

Greensteen is worried that we are sending the wrong message to our children by making communism, nuclear war, and cereal rich in sugar and preservatives, a part of our morning routine.  But as long as Kim Jong Krispies keep flying off shelf number two, another truck from Bentonville will be on its way to deliver fresh morning missiles to America’s children.

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Guido Raising Money For Calf Implants

Posted on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

MP- Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial beginning of summer vacation at the Jersey Shore, is just two months away.  We can almost always count on an action packed display of  tanned, toned, beautiful people from parts unknown (Staten Island) trying to make memories they can pass onto their kids, and discover romantic connections they can hold onto forever.

One such individual, Donnie Massengill, is doing something a little different this year to prepare for a successful summer at the Shore: calf implants.

In an increasingly competitive environment, Massengill feels that a new set of robust calves will give him the edge he needs to bring the ladies to their knees.

“I’ve been workin’ out all year.  Mostly upper body cause I like to watch myself when I’m getting’ my lift on,” explained Donnie. “But I haven’t been able to get my calves goin’.  I blame my Dad cause he’s got small calves.  Not that he’s not ripped though, cause he is.  He’s a great fuckin’ guy, and I’ll fight anyone right now who says he isn’t.  It’s just his calves…they’re small.”

Donnie told me that his purchase of a pair of sailor white Capri pants are what inspired him to get his calves in top form.

“I was at Express Men in the Monmouth Mall, and I saw these things.  I knew I had to have ‘em.  I mean I was gonna look so good in these! But when I put ‘em on…I saw...my calves looked like linguine.  I knew at that moment, I had to fuckin’ get implants.”

There is only one problem:  Donnie is short on cash.  In an effort to raise the capital, Massengill has been placing ads on Craigs List, and sleeping with his mothers friends from the beauty parlor for cash. "I don't mind bangin' old ladies.  They love that shit.  It makes 'em feel special to get it from a good lookin' guy like me; especially when they know it's for a good cause," said Donnie.

When we asked how fund raising was going in areas other than the beauty parlor fund, he had this to say: " I mean Craigs List has some stiff competition with all the little kids lookin' for livers and stuff like that, so I might look into offering my personal services online too."

Donnie scheduled an appointment with Dr. Moishe Rosenbaum of Marlboro to perform the surgery on April 17th.  “Ya gotta go with a Jewish Doctor for this kind of stuff.  They really know what they're doin'," Donnie said.  He does not seem concerned with raising the necessary capital in time.  "If worse comes to worse, I'll just make my Dad pay for it.  After all, how can he resist this face," stated a peculiar looking demure Donnie.  Massengill, a devout Catholic, purposely scheduled the procedure after the Easter holiday. " My Mom would whoop my ass if I missed Easter for my calves, ya know?”

We’ll be sure to keep our eyes out for Donnie at the Shore this summer.  He’ll be hard to miss with his bright orange tan, sailor white short-man-pants, and his brand new clean-shaven bulging calves.  Go Donnie.  This summer’s yours!

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Most Priceless Omission from Jackson Auction Block: Webster

Posted on Wednesday, March 25, 2009

(MP) - Possibly the biggest tour of Michael Jackson’s life is going on currently, and even that is causing controversy. The tour is not a big budget, grand, highly technical, incredible show that will culminate for ten nights at the sold-out O2 Arena in London. The real tour is the worldwide publicity exhibition of treasures from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch; treasures Jackson is claiming were never approved to put on-sale.

Jackson filed a lawsuit in early March, claiming that he had never given permission for the sale of many "priceless and irreplaceable" items. Some of the items in question are his famous jewel-encrusted gloves, a black fedora, a couple of MTV Video Music Awards, and Emanuel Lewis. The auction house, Julien's Auctions, fired back in court papers, saying that “Jackson's representatives had been deeply and enthusiastically involved in the sale for many months, until a sudden reversal last month.” Jackson’s spokes-person responded, “there is absolutely no way that Michael would have signed off on Emanuel. He loves Emanuel. Perhaps they misunderstood and meant to take the house that Michael had built for him on Neverland Ranch.” The house in question is a miniature ten-bedroom mini-mansion that the diminutive Lewis occupied.

"To say [Jackson] hadn't intended for these items to be auctioned was disappointing," Julien told the Daily News. "I can't disclose where we're at [legally], but I know everything's definitely well documented from our end. In a sworn statement, Julien claims that one of Jackson's employees met with him at a local McDonald’s, and tried to strong-arm him into canceling the auction, warning him that he would be in danger "from [Louis] Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam" if he didn't comply. “They told us that Farrakhan would free Webster in one way or another.”

In court documents filed in response to Jackson's fraud lawsuit, Julien reiterates that the “singer's estate asked him to take the Neverland treasure trove off its hands and that all the items were toted away under the close supervision of Jacko's employees—who were also involved in writing press releases and approving the auction-catalog cover art. They even gave us the photo that showed Emanuel’s best side,” continued Julien, “a photograph they thought that he looked the cutest in – before he got fat and bloated.”

As the court battle continues, the tour of the exhibit reached New York City, and is on display at the Hard Rock Café. When unloaded, it was found that Emanuel Lewis had mysteriously disappeared from the contents of the valuables. “I don’t know what happened to him,” explains Vincent Carbonarra of Mobile Manic Safes, “little guy just vanished. Got me!” Enthusiastic buyer Roger De La Soul, owner of Water Bar, stated, "The auction was estimated to  make up to $20 million dollars; however, without Emanuel Lewis, the block's value has diminished considerably."

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