(MP) - There is an old saying that when your friend loses his job - we are in a recession; but when you lose your job, we’re in a depression.  “I never had a job to begin with, so who gives a shit, right?” exclaims Jeanine Menthol, who is currently the focus of the next season of Bride-asaurus on ManicTV. “You only live once, ya know? You can’t take it with yous?” Menthol, the newly engaged mother of two, was asked how the economic downturn will effect her, “I swears, this is gonna be, like, the best summer ever!  We’ll just go to the Xanadu!” 

No, not the Xanadu that is filled with muses, music, and magic. Not the Xanadu with electric light, smoke, and roller skates. Somewhere in the swamps of Jersey, a red, yellow, green, and aqua pleasure-dome is rising out of the weeds.  This summer, Xanadu, the largest (4,500,000 square feet) and most expensive ($2 billion), mall ever built in the U.S, and third largest in the world, will open it’s doors for business. Once plagued by financial malfeasance by the Mills Corporation (the SEC formally investigated the Mills Corporation for executive misconduct and accounting errors), the troubled developer sold their stake in Xanadu to private investment firm Colony Capital to finish the job. The monstrosity will house: 165,000 sq. ft. indoor skiing and snowboarding facility, an 18-screen movie theater; fashion retailers such as H&M, Guess and Zara; and Cabela's, an upmarket fishing, hunting, outdoor apparel and equipment outlet. Adrenalia, an extreme-sports store, is slated to have an indoor wave pool, and the mall includes a skydiving simulator. Xanadu will also offer rides on a 286-ft. Ferris wheel that is sponsored by Pepsi. Is this excess just obnoxious amidst this economic downturn?

Larry Siegel, president of Xanadu doesn’t think so, “It’s not like people aren’t looking to recreate. They are.”  However, with consumer spending dramatically reduced, and the American mall on life support, the International Council of Shopping Centers predicts that “73,000 stores will close their doors in the first half of 2009.” Retail expert Burt Flickinger III, managing director of Strategic Resources Group, projects that as many as “3,000 shopping centers nationwide could go under this year.” So just who will visit this un-aesthetic (it's surrounded by weedy wetlands, decrepit factories, shipping containers and railroads) fun-palace in East Rutherford, NJ? 

“People that may not be able to rent that house at the shore or pay a few hundred bucks for a three-day pass to Disney,” explains Siegel, “but they can come here and spend $100. We’re counting on people like that, people like Ms. Menthol.”

"I think it's great! I don't think that we have enough malls," says Ms. Menthol, "Yous knows, shopping is good. My two little girls can both ski and swim in the same day, and me and Abraham can shop and ride the Ferris Wheel. Plus, it's like a billion acres, so I can find a place to smoke, like, anywheres."

MP- There isn’t a family in America who hasn’t been hit by these tough economic times.  While most businesses are suffering, one New jersey psychologist has found a way to capitalize on a new disease he is calling TARP (troubled assets relief program) Fever.

World Renowned marriage counselor, and founder of TARP Fever Workshop, Dr. Jesse Jamison, feels optimistic his client base will be happy and healthy during this financial crisis with the help of his trademarked two step program.  “People need to allow themselves not to feel guilty.  If they have the money to shop at Bergdorff’s, or lunch at Nobu, or buy that Kate Spade bag they should do it-and do it as quickly as possible. “ 

We sat in on one of the workshops, and were able to speak with Francine Magdalano,  wife of Barry Magdalano, local entrepreneur and orthodontist, and proud mother of one Jo Jo Magdalano, a boy, age 16. “Listen I know lot’s of people have lost their jobs, but I don’t know any of them.  Kids keep coming in to get their buck teeth fixed all the time. I do feel sorry for the out of jobbers, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop wearing all my good stuff and living the good life.  Why should I? Like Dr. Jamison say’s step 1: get over it, step 2: buy something.”  Francine seems to have a good handle on things, and we wish her the best of luck in her pursuit of making herself happy.

Jamison went on to mention that he’s been able to fill endless prescriptions for Zoloft, Valium, and Wellbutrin, which will assure him a steady client base for the next six months to a year.  “People like drugs…what do you want me to tell you? “  Jamison explained.  Jamison’s philosophy is a simple one: “buy now, and worry how much it’s really worth later.”  Jamison holds a self generated digital diploma from Hofstra, created by his childhood friend, Paul Stentler. His PHD was a mail order from The Universidad de la Habana, Cuba.

The TARP Fever Workshop meets on Tuesday nights at 7:00 pm, at The Red Bank YMCA and on Wednesday nights at 7:30 pm, at The Jewish Community Center in Deal.  The Coffee and Bagel happy half-hour prior to the workshop is sponsored by Pfizer’s new energy drink, Vibrancy.  In order to participate in the drinking of Vibrancy you must first receive a prescription from a licensed physician.

MP- In an effort to instill consumer confidence, the Obama administration has engaged in what one might say is a very unorthodox move: Executive Producing, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Since AIG became AIU, and lines at job fairs across the country have become increasingly longer, we can thank Bravo, Congress, and President Obama for getting behind such an enlightening program. “Not only is it a show about spoiled women with an inflated sense of self-entitlement, it’s also about their children, friends and husbands who share the same philosophy,” said Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut. Dodd has spent the past couple of weeks in the hot seat for his last minute insert into the stimulus package, which ensured AIG Executives their well earned bonuses.  He sees The Real Housewives of NJ as a great way to get the country back on track, and is happy Congress decided to invest American tax dollars into such a paramount piece of broadcasting. (The American people will only receive Associated Producer credits, and can begin adding their names to IMDB this Friday March 27, 2009).  "Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder of what you don't have to get you back on the horse again.  The American people are resilient, and nothing pisses them off more than seeing people who have better shit than they do," Dodd explained.

 “We hope that in this economic downturn, people will be glued to their television sets, mobile phones, and participating in live chats at Bravotv.com, regarding their envy for these 5 fabulous women from New Jersey,” explained President Obama. Clearly ecstatic with his move into media production, Obama continued: “Not only is this a good way for 5 women approaching middle age to show off their great tans and fantastic jewelry, it’s a way for the whole family to get together and agree to work harder in order to get a better house at the shore next summer”.

When asked how they felt about being chosen to be a part of such an important sociological experiment the women simply said, I Deserve It , in unison.  
I’m sure we’ll all be tuning in, and hopefully trying to keep up with the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  2009: a great year for investing in American Culture.

So, there I was, in Sankt Poelten, Austria, covering one of the biggest news events of the century. Press from all over the world were on hand to cover Austria’s most heinous case: Josef Fritzl - accused of imprisoning his daughter from age 18 in a tiny, windowless, unheated, rat-infested basement that reeked of mold and lacked warm water, repeatingly raping her in front of their children, three of whom had never seen the light of day. His murder charge arose from the death, shortly after birth, of one of the seven children he fathered with his daughter. The Manic Press Corps had sent me over from the States. I would no longer cover Fresh Off The Field stories of adultery and assassinations. It was to be my lead into real journalism; haunting, gritty stories, the kind that get you recognition for with your peers, the kind that get you your drinks on the house. It had been a long, exciting week in Sankt Poelten, when something occurred to me…I had completely missed it.

I had awoken in my hotel room: tired, dehydrated, raw. I got a call from a cute little Spanish reporter with whom I had been tripping the week fantastic. Her name was Agata, meaning Agatha, meaning “good.”  She rode me like the Orient Express. I wasn’t surprised about her absence this particular morning. It was her MO. She told me she was leaving. The trial was over. Evil had lost. So was I. I tried to piece together the preceding days.

I recalled that after opening statements by the prosecution and defense, reporters were ushered out of the courtroom for the duration of the trial. We were herded into a large marquee reminiscent of a beer tent, flanked by sausage stands and a mobile sweetshop. It had been erected outside the courtroom to accommodate the hundreds of journalists who've arrived here to follow the trial. We were inundated with folders handed out in the press tent helpfully listing gourmet restaurants and fashionable new nightclubs in town and included brochures from the local tourism board. Mayor Matthias Stadler sought to promote his town as a tourism and cultural center, enthusing, "Sankt Poelten has never been in the spotlight like this before, and I hope to use this opportunity to make good contacts with the media for the future.”

At first I was appalled by his desperate declaration. Mayor Stadler was trying to make the most of their sleepy, baroque town's misfortune of being the venue for perhaps the most grotesque trial in Austria's history. Then it hit me, she hit me. I saw her in the tent area with a beer in one hand, and a huge sausage in her mouth. I was done. Agata and I hit it off immediately, and all of a sudden the pamphlets and nightclubs began to look enticing.

We would make a point to check back in with the Press tent. We would get updates, and sound bite testimonies from second hand sources like, “I am deeply sorry with all my heart for what I have done, but I cannot go back and change it,” and, “I had a very difficult childhood. My mother didn't want me. I was beaten.” Things of that nature. I noted that he was a textbook socio-path. Right out of an awful John Douglas profile book, equipped with an evil lair, and a bad childhood. The updates to my main office in the States were general and placating. I would write the whole thing at the end. It would be great. They trusted me.

I arrived to the Press tent and almost everyone was gone. The jury had found Josef Fritzl guilty of raping and imprisoning his daughter for more than two decades and sentenced him to life in prison. They found Fritzl guilty of incest, rape, enslavement and false imprisonment of his daughter Elisabeth. It also found him guilty of two assault charges and murder in the death of the baby, one of twins, which died 66 hours after birth. I was told that the eight-member jury returned a unanimous verdict on all counts. I heard that Fritzl, dressed in a gray suit, blue shirt and dark tie, stared blankly ahead and showed no emotion as the jury delivered its verdict. I was informed that my article was due in an hour.

I sat down, and milked one last beer to assuage my guilt. I had to regroup and give this horrible story the attention it deserves. Mayor Stadler spotted me in my solitude (Christ I was the only one in there, he couldn’t have missed me). He sat next to me and asked if I had visited the Austrian Museum of Tin Figures. “It’s a great miscellaneous collectibles museum,” he told me. I said maybe next time. Mayor Stadler's efforts to use the occasion to promote tourism in Sankt Poelten may be emblematic of Austria's inclination to evade the uncomfortable questions raised by the Fritzl case. The number one being: How could this have gone on for so long without any indication? I thanked him and left.

I sat in my hotel looking over my press packet. My notes were barely legible. Agata’s number in Spain was written in red lipstick on Fritzl’s biography and wrap sheet. A wrap sheet that told anyone that looked at it that they should have seen this coming. My press pack was all I had. I had to get this done. I had to give this story justice. I had to report the news. I had to lend it heart. The heart that I didn’t give it all week. The heart that I gave to Agata along with all of my cash and a possible case of herpes. My press packet will remember for me and hopefully allow me to at least keep my Fresh off the Field job. And then, as Mayor Stadler hopes, the press pack will remember Sankt Poelten for its pear brandy and its wine, and its new nightclubs and gourmet restaurants.

Andrew Demarian, 17 of Happague, NY spent this Thursday night the same way he has spent every other Thursday night since he began his 7th grade year at Happague Junior High School in 2004: watching the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. A young man filled with energy, and smiles for all who meet him, Andrew was brimming with excitement because of Jay’s special guest, President Barak Obama.  “I would have voted for him, if I could…but now, I wouldn’t vote for him.  I just want to beat him in bowling real bad”, said Andrew earnestly. 

Andrew Demarian is not your average retarded teenager, he is a three time Special Olympic Bowling Champion. “He’s been rolling around on bowling balls since he came out of the womb”, explained his mother, Alice, a dental hygenist and proud mother of two teenage boys, Andrew, and his younger brother Cal, 13.  The Demarian’s think of themselves as a very lucky American family.  Joe, the Patriarch of the Demarian crew is a welder with the local 218 out of Huntington Station.  The 218 has worked on many large construction projects in the New York Area, including the 2nd Avenue subway, currently under way.  “I’ll tell you one thing: if Obama thinks he’s getting my vote next time around he can forget it.  I’m going with Limbaugh. At least he’s not afraid to say what’s really on his mind.  And one thing that’s never on his mind is whether or not his bowling skills are better than those who lay it on the line every summer in the Special Olympics.  These kids are craftsmen with a hell of a lot more heart than he’ll ever know.  That’s it.  I’m done with Obama”, said Joe.

Deputy Press Secretary, Bill Burton, released the following statement yesterday.

"The president made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics," Burton explained. "He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful program that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world.  Also, he is fully aware of the challenge that has been put forth by retarded teenager, Andrew Demarian, and would like to publicly decline.  The President is not one to walk away from a challenge, so he would like to propose a Game of Connect 4 or Parcheesi instead.  The President feels more proficient in the aforementioned games, and would be more comfortable in this type of competitive environment.”

Upon hearing this news, Joe Demarian had this to say.

“Obama can’t spin his way out of this.  There’s not gonna be any Connect 4 or God Damn Parcheesi.  It’s bowling pal.  And if you’re not ready, and you don’t show up to Patsy’s Lanes on the Jericho Turnpike in Woodbury on Saturday night, we’ll know that you’re chicken.  I tell you this, if this guy doesn’t show up for a bowling challenge, how the hell do we know what else he won’t show up for”, yelled Joe, before slamming the door in my face.

As I turned to walk away, I could hear the theme song to the new reality series So Rich begin to play in the background.  And then over the music came a banging at the window.  I turned around to see the 70’s flannel curtains pulled back, and Andrew’s chocolate covered smiling face in the window as he yelled “Obama’s goin’ down at Patsy’s.” He began to laugh and shake his body as excited retarded teenagers do, and then he retreated behind the flannel.

Patsy’s is located at 1636 Jericho Turnpike at the intersetion of Old Country Road, across the street from  PC Richards, and next door to the Arby’s.  There has been no date set forth for the proposed board game challenge, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

(MP) -Time.com is calling all hands to cast their votes for the leaders, artists, entrepreneurs and thinkers who deserve a spot on this year's TIME 100. Conspicuously absent for the fifth straight year is Roger De La Soul of De La Soul Enterprises.

De La Soul is the world’s leading entrepreneur in restaurants, television, social networks, real estate, and commodities. “I just don’t understand how I am not in the running,” explains De La Soul, “I find it atrocious when such a respected and honored news organization submits people like Thomas Beatie – the man-mom, Joaquin Phoenix, and the Twitter guys! I’m bringing people together, not isolating them, aggravating them, or confusing them. My services help people throughout the nation to cope with their everyday stress in their lives.”

What De La Soul is referring to are his numerous start-ups: pickonaforeigner.com, smokeymeatstomach.loaf, Water Bar, Fat Fux, Poop in a Pail, and ManicTV.

  “With my foreigner social networking site,” claims De La Soul, “I try to educate and spread understanding in our multi-cultural world. My Fat-Fux chain of restaurants have saved more marriages than Oprah’s Dr. Phil ever could, and the sheer confidence that one garners from using my Poop in a Pail product is the ultimate tool to boost self-esteem.” Always one to love the limelight, De La Soul has even tried his hand in acting, appearing as himself in his commercial for his ground breaking Water Bar restaurant in Manhattan. “I figure, why not? If Brangolina can go from acting to humanitarian causes, then why can’t the biggest humanitarian on the planet, move into acting?”

Many of De La Soul’s practices have drawn considerable scrutiny over the years, but De La Soul believes that all great men end up under the microscope. “When I was contacted directly by the Dalai Lama, and he was thanking me that my Poop in the Pail product was helping with his non-violent cause for Tibet, I knew I was doing good work. It isn’t easy being the King of all Media, but apparently it’s a lot more difficult to get on Time’s fucking 100 most influential list…unless of course you change genders, sexually assault someone, or bilk billions from people.”

In a surprising turn of events, beloved Afghani Mystic, Sheik Fark Feik Mohammad, makes a stunning admission. Sheik Fark Feik confesses to being involved in a swap of his Casio Cassette Player, circa 1983, with Osma Bin Laden, and his collection of 8 Track tapes and Fisher Price, 8 Track Player, circa 1974. The community leader and long time Taliban associate made the following statement:  "My apologies go out to the Peace Keepers of the World, and especially the people of the United States, for not coming forth with this information earlier.  I am a changed man, and sadly enough I have Bin Laden and his collection of Classic Rock 8 Tracks to thank for it," explained the Sheik. 

The Sheik has been suffering from lung cancer, which he apparently contracted due to excessive marijuana abuse over the last decade.  "I was introduced to the musings of The Grateful Dead, Nils Lofgren, Peter Paul and Mary, Cream, and Richie Havens.  This music changed my life, and led to the exploration of hallucinogenic drugs, and the daily use of marijuana.  The drugs changed the relationships between me and all of my wives. The last years of my life were a re-birth, and I wouldn't change a thing.  My only regret is that I did not come forth with this information earlier, because sadly, I feel it could have led to Osama Bin Laden's capture.  I denounce my past hatred for the west, and travel now back to the earth from which I came."  An emotional Sheik Fark Feik went on to explain that Bin Laden was desperate to make this trade because he knew that technology was changing rapidly, and he would need better recording equipment in order to make contact with the outside world once he burrowed into his hide out, in  eastern Afghanistan's, Tora Bora Region.  Sheik Fark Feik told us that he wasn't interested in the music or Fisher Price 8 track player as much as he was in helping out Bin Laden.  However,  he did admit that he was a fan of The Antiques Road Show, so it did cross his mind that if they happened to come to Kabul, he might be able to cash in on the collection, and player due to their age. So he made the trade.  "It was only a matter of time before I put on Peter, Paul, and Mary's Greatest Hits," said the Sheik.  He expressed having extreme curiosity for the album because it seemed to be the hardest part of the collection for Bin Laden to let go. Apparently, Bin Laden wept as he began to sing the lyrics to, Old Stewball, and then ran off into the hills singing the lyrics of, Lemon Tree. "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat, lemon tree...he went on like this, you know.  And I could hear him well into the hills, so I had to see for myself."  The Sheik laughed to himself.  "And did I ever see", he said proudly.

The Sheik decided to come forth with his admission because of Bin Laden's most recent calls to jihad concerning Isreal's occupation of the Gaza Strip, and the newly appointed President of Somalia, Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed. Upon hearing this recording, Sheik Fark Feik recounts, "I was listening, Sleepy Time, by Cream and having sex with all of my wives.  I told you we all get along really well now-even though I am sick I can still please my women.  So there we were and here comes Bin Laden's voice over the internet.  Yes, I have internet now.  I know it's crazy.  I even spend a lot of my time on my Facebook.  It's a great way to keep up with old friends," said the Sheik.  "I heard him, and I couldn't let it go on any longer, so I've come clean", an impassioned Sheik Fark explained.  He concluded by wishing the world the best in finding him, and offering to be of assistance in any way possible, as long as he was promised some medical marijuana if the Obama administration ended up legalizing the drug. His dealer had apparently done quite well, and decided to move to Crete with his earnings.  Sheik Fark Feik worried that if he continued to go without his pot the music might leave him forever, and he didn't want to die with the music still in him.

After leaving Afghanistan, we continued to pull back the layers of this relationship between the two men. We were able to uncover a connection between Roger De la Soul,  and Al Qaida, for the funding of his latest social networking site, Pick on a Foreigner.  It is now believed that Sheik Fark Feik  made the introduction between Al Qaida operatives and De la Soul as recent as 2006. With this knowledge, we can only guess as to how genuine Sheik Fark Feik was in his confessions.  Was it the cleansing of his soul he was after, or just some sympathy, attention, and hopefully some weed for a sexually underperforming Sheik dying of cancer.  Who knows.  But hey, atleast we know Bin Laden digs our tunes.

(MP) – “Do you love watching nerds kiss? Can’t get enough of long goodbyes?” These questions are the basis of a new social networking site called Nerdykisses.longgoodbyes (http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7). Started by Eugene and Claudia Pembertin in 2008, their quest began as a labor of love via angel seed money through their WoW (World of Warcraft) community. “Our avatars, Trevenian and Persephone, reached out to the Alliance throughout Azeroth, and the Alliance responded,” Pembertin explains, “all of  our fellow night-elves contributed, much like a dowry to our union.”  Pembertin refers to the couple’s actual meeting after falling in love online as their WoW avatars. “We were so excited that we used to film our love for our friends to see all the time,” explains Claudia, “so much so people were actually hooked! Like Ever-crack!”

It does not take a whole lot to divert the attention of today’s Millennials (hell, even the majority of Gen Xers for that matter), but for every new start-up and new social networking sight, the bottom line will always be to monetize the content. In the business community, ROI (return on investment) is how much profit or cost saving is realized, and is sometimes used as a way to grade how well a company is managed. So when the Humans, Gnomes, and Dwarves of the Alliance came calling, the Pembertins had nothing to show them. “They banished us!” explains Eugene, ”these lesser races had the nerve to cast us out! I was desperate!” This desperation drove Eugene to go on a quest. That quest would lead him to the SXSW festival, that quest would lead him to his true desire, THAT quest would lead him to…Felicia Day.  

Felicia Day: actress, producer, writer, editor, serial tweeter, accomplished violinist! How could this siren’s song not hypnotize a helpless Eugene Pembertin? “I didn’t even realize he was gone, “notes Claudia, “one morning I awoke, turned to check if he had to use the bathroom, but he wasn’t there. I called everywhere. I looked everywhere for some information as to his whereabouts…and that’s when I found it.” This buried treasure that Claudia uncovered was a vast collection of photo-shopped pictures of Felicia Day and Eugene in strange WoW costumes, sexually explicit poses (with their heads on porn stars bodies), and crumbled tissues and stiff socks. “I knew then where he was. I can’t for the life of me figure out how he hid this, how he’s become obsessed…how he got his socks so stiff.”

Those answers were found on Eugene’s arrival home, defeated, later that week.  Eugene had gone to SXSW, followed Felicia Day from the shadows like a night-elf, and tried to approach her.  He was blocked by an irate “Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog” fanatic, who was trying to get Felicia to give him Doogie Howser’s (Neil Patrick Harris) number.  “And then…she was gone.” Explains Eugene, “I thought, at first, that if she would come on nerdykisses, and kiss me, and hug me, and ride on my back like a pony, that “The Alliance” would welcome Claudia and I back; but, I realized that my obsession ran a little deeper.”

Today, Eugene and Claudia are still together, trying to keep their website above water through our current recession. “I don’t know what our future will be,” explains Claudia, “we’re probably going to have to bring in others to kiss and hug on our site, and become more of a distributor of kissing content. We might have taken our show as far as it could go.” And what of Eugene’s indiscretion turned obsession? “Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, I try to gain her trust back every day...day…Felicia Day…sorry. As I was saying, it’s gonna be hard, but I need to rejoin “The Alliance” with my maiden at my side! This is certain.  If I can survive “corrupted blood” at Ironforge, then I can do anything. This is my ‘instance dungeon’, and I’m gonna mine it for all the treasures I can.”

http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7

American International Group, now simply known by their sinister sounding acronym 'AIG', can't seem to escape the hatred of the American people.  After a long week of tongue lashings by President Obama and Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, AIG has found itself squirming yet again, as it finds itself at the genesis of what could be their most serious lawsuit yet: Chuck E Cheese of Paramus vs. AIG.

It all began in September of 2008 when CEO Edward Liddy dialed up the Paramus childrens party palace to arrange a private  New Years Eve bash for the Executives and their Wives.  Manager Phil Bandkantzer, 42 of Paramus, answered the phone on that quiet September morning.  "I just remember thinking to myself, this is gonna be great.  They had ordered 100 pizzas and 14 cases of root beer...they even requested DJ Jersey Joe be in attendance.  I mean this was gonna be huge.  Definitely the biggest party we had this year. "  Bandkantzer also went on to reveal that shortly after the AIG reservation he received another phone call from Susan Tunkorfson, President of the Paramus Junior Women's Club, and mother of Rory Tunkorfson, the sweeper for the Paramus Pirates traveling soccer team. Rory was turning 12, and Mrs. Tunkorfson wanted to throw him the party of a lifetimne.  "You see Rory's birthday is New Years Eve, and it's a really tough night for a kid to have a birthday.  It was tough for him as a kid especially with Bob, Mr. Tunkorfson, and I always going out to parties and having fun...and leaving him alone with Consuela. I guess it wasn't really fair. But Bob and I have both stopped drinking, and we go to church now as a family, and I'm really active in the community.  Anyway, we just have a lot of making up for lost time to do ...you know?  And New Year's, Rory's birthday was the perfect time to do it."  Mrs. Tunkorfson was full of emotion and truly seemed to regret her party days of the late 90's early 2000's.  The AIG reservation really seemed to throw their lives into a tail spin.  "I felt really bad when I spoke to Susan on the phone.  Their was nothing I could do, you know?  I mean it's AIG.  You can't cancel on them.  Tunkorfson's were out of luck.  I told them that our Elmhurst store wasn't booked for New year's yet, but she said she didn't like going into the city because she got anxiety.  And that Queens might as well have been Africa to her. She said a lot of things.  She was upset.  I know she didn't mean it, but we're a popular place. It's not the first time I've been yelled at on the phone.  We can't make everyone happy all the time", said Bandkantzer. That was it. The Tunkorfson's would have to try and find other ways to win back their son's affection.

When the frigid night of December 31st finally rolled around, Phil Bandkantzer found himself hustling around the Paramus Chuck E Cheese like he normally would before any large event: blowing up balloons into the shapes of small dogs, filling cups of ice for root beer, and doing a last minute clean up in the sea of balls.  "I always make sure that there aren't any sharp items in there.  And that could be anything, doll's head half bitten off, plastic tip of a shoelace.  You'd be surprised what can cut you", said Bandkantzer emphatically.  After all that preparation for what was to be the largest New Year's Eve Party in the history of the franchise, AIG was a no show.  Bandkantzer brought in the New Year with an anchovy pizza, his favorite, and a tall glass of Root Beer.  Angry, Ashamed, and feeling quite let down by the Insurance Giant, Bandkantzer got into his two door Nissan Sentra with roll down windows and headed to his apartment complex off Route 78 West.  He wasn't looking forward to talking with the owner of the Paramus franchise, notorious business mogul Roger De la Soul.

Briefing De la Soul was a daunting task for Bandkantzer, but he did it boldly over a slice of Chuck E Deluxe while watching the View.  "He lost it man.  I thought he was gonna come through the phone and kill me", Phil said.  Roger De la Soul was unable to reached for comment.  His publicist would only say that AIG would rue the day that they blew off a reservation at Chuck E Cheese.  We were able to reach Hank Greenberg, former AIG CEO, before he left for his last ski weekend of the year in Aspen. "It's ridiculous. It's a very sad thing to see the people that I once worked with treating Chuck E Cheese this way.  Chuck E Cheese has always been a great place for a birthday party.  A great place for the whole family to enjoy.  I've been there myself and enjoyed it.  I think the guys at AIG are going to have a tough time finding their way out of this one."

As the lies and scandals continue to rear their ugly heads deep within this depression of ours, one thing is for certain:  Don't fuck with Chuck E Cheese.

After a long afternoon of cleaning the Barnacles off his Boston Whaler, we caught up with Tucker Carlson and his top siders, in the stairwell of the Dublin House, in Red Bank New Jersey.  Carlson said he was there to for a pint and some of their famous Shepards Pie.  But we can't be sure seeing that there was a Young Republicans luncheon being held in the second floor dining room.  Regardless of his reasons for his Dublin House patronage, Carlson expressed some anger when we asked him about his angel investment into Bobby's Ballet. It seemed to be pulled at the last minute by Carlson and long time local Mortgage Brokering heavyweight, Bingham Coolidge.

  In response to our inquiries as to why the bottom fell out, Carlson muttered before ascending the staircase, "Why don't you ask that partisan hack John Stewart?  Mr. Jackson seems to be kissing his ass these days, just like everybody else."  His random reply has us asking a lot of questions.  Is Bobby Jackson, former Marine Special Forces Operative, being hired out by John Stewart and possibly Stephen Colbert, to take out some AIG executives?  Or, was Tucker just a bit too salty after one too many pre-lunch Guiness at the Dublin House Bar.  We can't be sure.  The only thing we can be sure of is that Carlson did make a hard left into the dining room where the Young Republicans were doing a lot more than tee-totaling.  As we took a peak through the partially closed doors we could see two quite small (it is unclear whether they were indeed midgets or dwarves) leprechaun-esque female strippers dancing on a pile of corn beef as they dowsed themselves with beer.We thought to ourselves, what a waste of food and drink, not too mention, a waste of talented short strippers.

It is uncertain how the rest of the afternoon played out in this small Red Bank Bar, but we can sleep soundly knowing that money was being spent in a local pub, even if it was by the Young Republicans.