(MP) - The Federal Aviation Administration - apologizing for the Boeing 747, which took part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot, and flew frighteningly close to the buildings of New York City, scaring it’s citizens – is now being accused of not just negligence by everyone from the mayor to the President - but lying as well. It has been revealed that the plane was actually out of the pilot’s control for a period of time, causing the 747 to veer so low into the building’s path.

“I saws the plane,” explains Jeanine Menthol, an eye witness who came into the city with her two daughters to enjoy the unusually warm April day, “and I almost shit my pants, ok? I thought it was another 9/11’s. My kids ran for cover, leaving me, and then I looked up and saw him. I thought he wasn’t real, but you can’t fake that kind of package.”

What Ms. Menthol is referring to is the appearance on the scene of the fabled Super Man-Thong. Dressed only in a thong, the underground vigilante is known for fighting crime throughout the tri-state area. No one has ever gotten a good look at the Jersey hero, but this time he flew down into the street to greet the press corps that arrived on the scene.

“Another job well done for Man-Thong,” explained the gallant hero, “by rerouting that plane I saved you all. This will show the ‘Allegiance’ once for all that just because I don’t like tan lines, doesn’t mean I can’t help people.”  

Recent reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio have centered on the discovery of a real life super hero organization. Calling itself the “Allegiance of Heroes”, this team of vigilantes, made up of a group of men -- and one woman - communicate with one another in online forums, then don their uniforms and fight crime all over the country. Led by Cincinnati’s own - Shadowhare - the group consists of Aclyptico stationed in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado, Master Legend in Florida, and Mr. Extreme in California. However, one scantily clad super hero has been declined for membership in this extremely elite community, and that is New Jersey’s own – Super Man-Thong.

“We have very strict criteria to gain admittance into our alliance,” explained Shadowhare, who was abused as a child and grew up in foster homes, perhaps leading him to a life helping others,” it’s very clear in our by-laws – ‘The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it's creation’- end of story. His costume is a mockery. We don’t need anyone laughing at us thinking that we are crazy or something.”

The crime fighters will often pair up to patrol the streets. However, none of them wish to be seen teaming up with the T’d Strung super hero. "We help enforce the law by doing what we can in legal standards, so we carry handcuffs, pepper spray … all the legal weapons," continued Shadowhare. "We will do citizen's arrests. We will intervene on crimes if there is one happening in front of us.  He has nowhere to carry any of these crime-fighting gadgets. He constantly has me hold his wallet for him. Besides, that whole plane thing? He caused it to happen so he could save it so we would let him in!"

In a statement responding to these allegations, Super Man-Thong declared, “in no way did I put anyone in harms way. Shadowhare is a liar and a fraud. He suffered a dislocated shoulder two years ago while trying to help a woman who was being attacked. What kind of power is that? Tell me!! I can fly dammit!! I can shoot freaking laser beams out of my thong!! I can propel myself at the speed of light with my farts! How much more do I need to do to be a part of their group, huh? Huh?”

Menthol cigarettes have destroyed the lives of many.  However, one New Jersey family owes their livelihood as well as their lung cancer to a very special brand: Manic Menthols.

Paul Menthol, known to his many friends as “Mr. Unfiltered”, loved to smoke his menthols so much that when he was laid off from his job as a Monmouth Beach Police Officer for perpetual tardiness, and drinking on the job, he approached Manic Menthol’s with an ingenious proposal.  Paul Welton, as he was known at the time, walked into the Manic Menthol factory on East Freehold Road, and asked if they were interested in a lifetime of advertisement-literally. 

“It was a wacky proposal, but one that made me ecstatic”, said Benjamin De la Soul, owner of Manic Menthol’s, and father of local entrepreneur, Roger De la Soul.  “Imagine someone who loved smoking so much that they were willing to change their last name just in order to have a lifetime supply.  It's quite beautiful, if you think about it. So, I jumped at the chance to pay Paul minimum wage for the rest of his life as long as he held true to his part of the bargain…and he did…and so did the entire Menthol family, including his daughter Jeanine.  We are so proud of them all.”

Paul and his wife Elise embraced the Menthol lifestyle until they both fell victim to lung cancer in 1998.  Paul passed on Thanksgiving Day, and Elise didn’t make it to see Christmas.  The family was quite close, and they shared their love for each other almost as much as their love for Menthol’s.

Jeanine Menthol has been smoking her family issue menthol’s since 1984.  She has never let her shallow breathing and chronic cough get in the way of her yogalates, or her search for the perfect rich Doctor. Spending most of her nights trolling the Seaside Boardwalk bars for a Staten Island Physician who might need some company, Jeanine Menthol, or “Mommy”, as she is known by those who love and admire her is a proud mother of two, and full time employee of Manic Menthol’s.  She is revered as a pillar of the cigarette community.

“It’s amazing to have someone like Jeanine on our team.  She continues to introduce more disenchanted teenagers to our product every day.  With her white trash appeal, and superficial values she is a hit with kids from broken homes, and adults who suffer from a crippling sense of self-loathing.  We love having her face as the face of Manic Menthol’s,” said Roger De La Soul.  “She’s the best.”

When we caught up with Jeanine outside the Mid Way Cheese Steak Stand on the boardwalk as she slurped down a greasy hero, she only had this to say as she wiped some cheese whiz from her chin,"Mommy needs a Menthol."I guess Mommy knows what Mommy wants.

We can’t wait to see what Mommy Menthol offers up to the global cigarette community next.

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”

(MP) - 23andme.com, the Google-backed personal genomics start-up, attracted world-wide media attention for itself this past January with its celebrity "spit party": at which notables ejected saliva samples into test tubes before cutting loose with a barrage of booze and gourmet delicacies. The event, hosted by media moguls Barry Diller, Rupert Murdoch, and Harvey Weinstein, was part of a publicity push by 23andMe through its celebrity marketing strategy. 

23andMe offers to analyze your DNA if you send them some spit and a wad of cash. They offer information about your risk of specific serious conditions, tests for "hair loss" or "addiction," optimum foods for your genetic profile, and will scan your entire genome for variants that supposedly predispose you to a range of conditions, from Alzheimer's to arthritis to athletic performance. A Hollywood insider revealed that the “spit party” was very appealing to many of the stars that attended; however, the company is back in the spotlight, and the hot seat, after results from one their test tube subjects was leaked onto the internet. 

The unverified report that was leaked was that the DNA test tube spit-sample of party girl/celebutante London Marriot, from the hit reality show So Rich, revealed traces of two different DNA structure sequences. After further investigation, it was found that one of the strand structures was an identical match to Hollywood heartthrob Zach Efron. Neither could be reached for comment, but eyewitnesses stated that Efron did in fact attend the event without girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, and was seen with Marriot before entering the party.

The witness, who wishes to remain nameless, stated, “all of a sudden they both appeared, and there were all these cameras around, and they had no where to go. They were both handed their test tubes, and it seemed that London’s sample seemed a lot more…viscous than any others that I had seen.”

Hollywood paparazzi have been beside themselves due to the lack of response from all parties involved. Speculation and rumors are arising concerning the viscosity of the sample. Marriot has been no stranger to the dehydrated dry mouth that binge drinking provides, but witness’ description of the thick, but watery, sample could belie that common place theory. Until further details are revealed, all we can say to celebrities that attend these parties in the future is to be careful where you spit.

Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television.  The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are.  But it is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.

In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, and Guantanamo, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.

“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”

Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about. 

CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process.  There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.

“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong.  It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad.  “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”

It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.

(MP) - Today is Earth Day: a day to set aside and take stock in what we are doing to our planet EVERY OTHER day of the year. It is a day that all environmentalists hope that everyone in the world will become enamored with what is all around them, and begin to make a concentrated effort to love and to care for our mother Earth. Every year, one eco-friendly group, Manic Tree Huggers, goes into the woods of Northern California, and stages a “hug-in”, where they pick the tree of their choice, wrap their arms around it, and engage in one giant hug-of-war. However, this particular protest caught one eco-striver off guard.

“We all entered the area,” explains Barry Dud, founder of Compost Orgy, one time a dismissed sexually deviant sub-culture of the environmentalist movement, but has now seen spikes in memberships and functions in the last 8 years, “and we spread out under this beautiful canopy of branches and leaves. I was looking for what seemed like forever for my tree, and then one finally entranced me. When I went to touch it, this crazy naked man ran out of the bushes and pointed a Winchester rifle right in my face!”

In a report later filed by California State Troopers, Dud reported that he had recognized the naked man as Clarence Ogle, a “hugger” from a North Dakota faction that had mysteriously disappeared 8 years ago.

“I knew it was him,” explained Dud, “and I said, ‘Clarence? Is that you?’ and he just kept yelling at us all, saying to stay away from his woman, that she was his, she loved him, and that he didn’t know who the hell Clarence Ogle was – that his name was Erogenous Sticks. He kept just saying that – Erogenous Sticks, Erogenous Sticks, My name’s Erogenous Sticks!”

Dud also testified that when the group had been driven from the area, an eye witness, Mindy Greensteen from New York, went back to discover Sticks fornicating the bark of the beguiling arbor.

“It was actually quite beautiful. I never got any sense that what he was doing was anything dirty,” explains Mindy Greensteen, “he was being so sweet with her. He was running his fingers through her leaves, telling her that he loved her, I genuinely got the impression that he had really fallen in love with this…tree.”

“He had been bewitched by the siren sounds of the wind in her leaves,” muses Dud, “so with our protest pretty much a bust, and half of our group deciding to call it a day, and the erotic nature of the whole experience; the remaining six of us that were single and committed to the cause decided to find the nearest compost pile and start pleasuring one another no matter what we looked like to each other – fat, thin, ugly, cute. I mean, love and pleasure are one in the same on Earth Day. I think that’s what we took away from Clare- I mean, Erogenous - It seems that love can come in all shapes, sizes, species, and…perennial woody plants!”

(MP) - "I’m not sure what happened exactly,” explains Stratocaster, the recently discovered survivor of 21 horses that died at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Florida, “last I remembered it hit four-twenty, and all I know is I woke up, with my cat Mr. Tweets, on the beach in an orange jumpsuit.”

State of Florida officials said Monday that they suspect a drug reaction or toxins killed 21 horses as they were prepared to compete in a Sunday polo match in Wellington, Florida. Some of the 15 horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team died immediately, but some lingered for about 45 minutes. Six of the 21 horses were kept overnight in the same trailer for further interrogation. Before any further developments in the case could be uncovered, the remaining witnesses died sometime between Sunday and Monday.

"There was a combination of something," reported Ty Browley of the U.S. Polo Association, the sport's governing body, on Sunday night, "We don't know, but we're going to find out. Obviously, this is a tragic situation, and we are working hard to determine what happened," he continued, "But it would be irresponsible to speculate on what may have killed the horses. We will wait until the facts are in before making any specific comments on the case."

Some of those facts are now coming to light as a result of the Stratocaster’s reemergence. “It seems that on their off day, these horses were preparing for something called 4/20, in which groups gather on the 20th of April, at 4:00, and smoke extraordinary amounts of marijuana.” Browley explained, “we are discovering from Stratocaster’s testimony that mass cocaine use coincided with the horses preparation for this mass smoke-out.”

“We were in 4/20 training, and Val’s Dream brought in a copy of Bachelor Party,” explained Stratocaster, “we watched up to the part when the mule does all the coke, and then dances with the stripper. We all started joking that thoroughbred’s could easily out-party a jackass any day of the week. Unlucky Day (whose owner is Z-list celebrity, and recovering drug addict, Mick Priest) happened to have some with him from his owner’s stash, and it was all down hill from there.”

Ty Browley said he's never seen anything like the scenario that unfolded Sunday night. “Players and trainers do everything possible to keep the horses in optimum condition. These horses are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. They are babied every single day, all day long. But, I guess they are still just kids when you come down to it.”

Now that the facts have been ascertained, Browley is now starting an investigation to uncover further drug abuse in the Polo community.

“We’ve always tested for steroids for these animals because of the untrusting human factor,” states Browley, “but it seems there is now a growing concern over an ‘equine gateway-drug community’ that is pervading our Polo clubs. This 4/20 community, or cult, or whatever you wish to call it, will not continue with these horses. We’re going to crack down on these animals, get them on the straight and narrow - or else it is glue time boys.”

 (MP) - Americans took it to the streets Wednesday (April 15th - tax day deadline for any of you U.S. citizens living in a basement with no job, TV, windows, or access to the outside world).  Demonstrators attended more than 750 Tax Day “tea parties” in cities across the country. The events were meant to protest government spending, particularly the Obama administration’s $787 billion stimulus package and its $3.5 trillion budget. As part of the demonstration, people wore tea bags hanging from umbrellas or eyeglasses, as well as tossing them on the White House lawn. The significance alludes to the historical “Boston Tea Party” and as a result, the appellation assigned to these people has become the running joke -  “teabaggers”.

However, one group doesn’t find the joke very funny. Blane Turner, president of the International TeaBaggers Alliance, finds the innuendo that is eliciting snickers and guffaws from bloggers and the main-stream media is insulting and disrespectful.

“When you have a well respected journalist like Anderson Cooper, making snide, sarcastic remarks that it’s 'hard to talk when you’re teabagging,' who out there will ever see past this ignorance and believe that - Yes! It is indeed hard to talk when you are teabagging! It can be dangerous too.”

The innuendo referred to here is what Turner states is the “legitimate definition” of teabbagging in which a man squats on top of a woman’s face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex.

“That’s all I ever knew it to mean,” states Teddy Rooney, former Atlantic City showman, recovering alcoholic, and long time teabagger, “it was a staple with the whores that I knew in Jersey...like kissing or shaking hands. I think this protest is important. Hundreds of naked chicks lying around on their backs? One of them is bound to get teabagged."

The ITBA gathered together on Thursday in lower Manhattan. The demonstration brought over a thousand protesters who stripped completely naked and proceeded to lay down on their backs in unison as a gesture to the position most teabaggers find themselves in. Police arrived very late on the scene in confusion.

"Yea, well we got a call that a teabaggin' protests where happenin'’,” explains NYPD Officer Buffumo, “but they’d been happenin’ all day Wednesday. Then we got here, and saw that this protest was teabaggin’ of a whole other flavor if you know what I mean?”

The protest was soon broken up, and everyone dispersed without any violence. No arrests were made for any public indecency, and the ITBA felt that it was all a great success.

“I think we made our point,” muses Turner, “you can’t just throw around your tea bags and call it teabagging. The only true definition is when those bags land in someone’s mouth, and not on the White House lawn.”

If you're a famous NFL quarterback that happens to fight dogs to their death for a little extra cash so that you may indulge in the finer things in life like bottles of Cristal, expensive jewelry, mansions, and sports cars, you’re name might be, Michael Vick- And you will be getting out of prison soon.  Fortunately for the celebrity- swallowing American public, you will definitely be starring in a reality TV series about your new found freedom in a post canine-murdering-world.

Mr. Vick has been lucky enough to be rewarded for his actions of dutiful citizenry by receiving a $600,000 payday from an undisclosed network.  The NFL superstar turned torturer, turned broke-individual, will be gracing the small screen on his journey toward redemption.  The show is scheduled to begin filming upon his release from prison on July 20th. 

Due to Vick’s success in the reality TV market, there are plenty of other undeserving beings out there vying for the attention of Network Executives.  But the one we’re rooting for is: the dead body of Mr. Ed.  Yes, that’s correct.  Mr. Ed the beloved television horse who wooed audiences in the 50’s TV sitcom that bore his name is back, but in spirit alone…so far.

The Estate of Mr. Ed would like to exhume the body of the horse for a new reality series entitled ‘Dead Mr. Ed’.  The program would consist of Mr. Ed’s whisperer moving his bones and decaying flesh to various rodeos throughout the Southwest in an effort to further monetize the fame of the fallen beast.

“We feel that it will be an important part of TV’s weekly line-up,” said Sandy Bantracter, CEO of Bantracter Management of West Hollywood CA, and Executor of the Estate of Mr. Ed.  “There is no better way to teach today’s children how much joy dead animals can bring us without bringing America’s most famous dead animal to them.”

Mr. Bantracter is hoping that ‘Dead Mr. Ed’ will be a win fall for his company, Cash For Your Dead, LLC, and hopefully put him in the
Reality TV Hall of Fame.  With his firm belief in the revival of deceased creature stars, Mr. Bantracter has been seizing the rights to many dead animals, and even dead humans of Hollywood’s past. He is currently in discussions with the Estates of Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Don Knotts.

“I’m going through the proper channels. I’m not going out and robbing graves.  I’m requesting permission from all living relatives,” stated Bantracter. “  It has been quite easy to convince them considering that most of their living kin are suffering from drug addictions, and crippling sense of self-loathing due to their shortcomings that they are practically giving away their dead relatives. “

Mr. Bantracter is currently courting many heavy hitters at hotel bars all over town.  He hopes that Cash For Your Dead, LLC will be a business he can pass on to his children.  This Delaware incorporated business may be the first of its kind, but we doubt it will be the last. 

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago -- when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors' offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, "There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines -- reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way.  An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you're an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as 'OK' drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups -- topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model -- based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous -- is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

"It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference."

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. "Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism," says Schwarzlose. "They're smart people, but they're missing how complex this disease is."

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that's Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

Save Our Souls, the Brooklyn based Watchdog group, has launched a new division this week, The Divison of Unnecessary Broadcast Television, also known by its suspect acronym, DOUBT. The division will be headed by former YO Network Executive, Ted Sledge, who is known to have an eye for unworthy broadcasting due to his 10 years of experience producing it, and jamming it down the throats of the American people… unnecessarily.

DOUBT, a non-profit organization that is being backed by trust fund artist and occasional didgeridoo player, Graham Loveland of Bushwick, New York, will be a force to be reckoned in the new media.  Loveland has a background in idol time, which rivals that of most Prisoners of War.  He is said to spend mostly every waking hour watching the news while smoking marijuana and refusing to eat take out burritos his girlfriend brings to him.  His experience in complaining may also help, but he is banking on his years on the debate team in high school to propel him to the top.

“I’m over it.  If I have to watch Bo Obama attempting to take a dump on the White House lawn for a solid 26 minutes, I think I’m going to take my own life,” said an impassioned Loveland. “I mean I want to know what in the hell is going on in the world, but cheerleading with the CNN anchors that the stool of a Portuguese Water Dog is excreted from its canine sphincter is where I draw the line.”

Apparently Loveland was not bothered by the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, or the Gossip Girls Rolling Stones Magazine cover, which he proudly displayed on his $750 coffee table made from recycled lumber.  Graham is a fickle audience, but he is an audience, and an audience with money nonetheless.

“There will come a time when the world will watch stuff that matters on the TV, and on the Internet.  That time is not so far away,” said Graham.

Ted Sledge will be lobbying in Washington for DOUBT effective immediately. His first order of business will be to try and divert the attention away from Bo’s shit, and get to the bottom of the Economic shit that is concerning most.

“I’m ready to do what I have to.  I’m ready to do my job.  I’m no stranger to culture- poisoning programming.  After all, I was the brains behind, ‘Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Filthy Rich’, and ‘Fuck OFF: I’m Hot and You’re Not,” stated Sledge. “I can play with the decision makers in D.C.  I’m ready to go.”

Loveland will be waiting by his television in tight jeans and a half-shirt sporting an irreverent phrase or an 80’s punk band album cover.  He hopes to change the world.  He hopes that sitting on his couch sadly, and paying someone else to do his bidding will bring him satisfaction and contentment.  At commercial breaks, he will softly play his didgeridoo.

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone. 

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

With the unemployment rate averaging 8% for the tri-state area, and the economy still not seeing it’s bottom yet - the job hunt is on. But, with so many urban professionals all vying for the same competitive jobs, people are beginning to rely on more than just their resume and experience. It’s no surprise that studies show that tall, good-looking people do better in life and in love, so the latest philosophy in the ugly community (and you know who you are) seems to be, “a nip – here, and a tuck – there, is going to give me an edge in this flooded market.”

Dr. Orville Hamish, who performs what he calls a "wide awake face-lift" using only local anesthesia, which slashes the recovery time as well as the cost by as much as $6,000, making it popular among heinous looking job seekers, stated, "Before the economy turned down, people would come in because they wanted to have more fun and enjoyment out of life. But now plastic surgery has become a necessity for some. Unfortunate looking people cannot only rely on their skills in this market. They want to look refreshed and youthful so they can compete for jobs."

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) released a recent survey showing that, “American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. About 3 percent said they already had a cosmetic procedure to increase their perceived value in the workplace, and 73 percent said they believed that appearance and youthful looks play a part in getting hired, a promotion, or getting new clients, particularly in these challenging economic times.”

"The surgery made sense for me,” explains Marion Capricella, aspiring fashion designer, single mother of two, and looks as if she fell from the ugly tree, hitting every branch with her face, “I look at least 10 to 15 years younger, my tits are tighter, and I have more confidence.”

Manhattan plastic surgeon Saul Rubenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a "Job Fighter Package" for hideous women AND men.

"Men and women in their 40's and 50's are competing with peers 10 to 15 years younger and employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified," Rubenberg said, "We've probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago, and a lot of patients view the surgery as an investment and are financing it with loans.”

Ted Evening, Realtor, had a recent “tune-up” and explained, “My handsome friends would tell me, ‘Ted, get a good haircut, good clothes, and smile. Dazzle them with your wit. With your education and work history, employers will look past your fucked-up face. I mean,” he continued, “I’ve been saving for a long time for one of those penis enlargement procedures; but being what the real estate market is, I know I'll soon have to interview," Ted recently spent $17,000 on his face-lift, and still hasn’t found a job, but that hasn’t discouraged him.

”Men don’t quit playing because they grow old, know what I mean? They grow old cause they quit playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that,” Evening explains, ”You get what I’m talking about? I’m a goddamn handsome man now! An Adonis! Put me in the same room with some kid. I’ll knock it out of the park, you know what I mean? I mean, who cares if I have a small penis, I’m gonna be working, baby!”

In addition to the perceived competitive advantage from a face-lift, some surgeons believe the recession is starting to cause more and more patients to get "work done" for an emotional lift in these dark times.

“If you’re really ugly AND unemployed, that’s a double whammy,” opines Dr. Jesse Jamison, certified psychiatrist, “that’s difficult for anyone to even stand the sight of themselves, alone standing in front of a mirror. I think if it boosts self-esteem then it’s great. I’ve seen a little “work” save relationships, spice up sex lives, and hopefully for these really disfigured few, give them some financial security and sense of entitlement that only the beautiful ever really possess.”

(MP) - Father John Paul Hanselswift pushed send on his blackberry storm for the last time from the pulpit of St. Agnes Parish, in Bonsonville, Missouri.  The “accident”, (as it is being referred to by the Arch Diocese of Bonsonville), will be sure to send after-shocks through the parish for years to come.

The 8:00 pm mass on Tuesday nights is usually pretty quiet-reserved mostly for widows, and quiet, well-dressed creepy men in their forties who are forced to come by the women they live with: their mothers.  However, this Tuesday happened to be the anniversary of the death of local football hero, Ted Downing. Even though Downing passed away 17 years ago under bizarre and questionable circumstances on the St. Agnes swing set with an under-age girl, he was revered as a great role model and pillar of the community.  That being said, the Ted Downing Memorial Mass was always quite full.

Standing in front of his parishioners never made Father John nervous. He was always comfortable.  So comfortable that he felt succumbing to, “Idol Fever”, and texting in his vote for his favorite American Idol contestant, Adam Lambert, during his sermon, would be no problem at all.  Hanselswift knew Lambert would need his help because while following the internet feed on mute, he saw that host, Ryan Seacrest, was unable to keep the show moving along, and went 8 minutes over.  Lambert, the crowd favorite, was slotted with the “pimp slot” (the shows closer), and sang his heart out with his Tears for Fears cover, Mad World, to a studio audience only.  The rest of the channel 5 audience was already being introduced to a word from the sponsors , by the time Lambert took the stage.  As Hanselswift said “Amen” he pushed “send” hoping to fill his vote with that of the Holy Spirit.  What Father John Paul didn’t realize was that in his excitement he had only prayed 1-800-IDOL, and hadn’t typed in the numbers.  He had merely sent a naked photograph of himself in leather with a ball-gag in his mouth to his entire congregation, using the “send to all” option.

“There were a lot of folks there.  A lot of folks found themselves quite upset by it.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  It was pretty upsetting", said Amel Lukaewicz, parish elder.  “People used to keep their phones off at church but with the 'Idol Fever' going on out there... well…Father John wasn’t the only one trying to send his vote in.”

Being close to your parish comes with the territory of being a good priest.  Father John had the cell phone numbers of mostly everyone that had ever been on a church committee, followed him on twitter, or sent him an email.  He liked being connected to everyone, and being able to reach out in a moments notice, even when he was spending time with friends in Ibiza. He had probably only fantasized about alter boys getting a good look at his genitals, and never imagined it could actually happen.

Father John was unavailable for comment, according to the Bonsonville Diocese.  The only statement released by the Diocese was the following: “We are very sorry that you had to see Father John in this way. We are in agreement that Father John is a sexual deviant, and he will be removed form the parish effective immediately.  We will be re-assigning him to serve the people of St. Jerome’s which is a full 20 minutes from Bonsonville.  He will only be able to reach you and your children through text messaging, the Internet, and if he’s feeling energetic, a long-distance bike ride on a sunny Saturday afternoon. We hope you can now rest knowing that we will be bringing in Father Philip, who himself, is being re-assigned for suspect behavior at a parish roller rink party in North Bergen.  Thank you for remaining good Catholics during this trying time.”

 (MP) - Adrian and Judy Parcheezie don’t go out of their home much anymore. Once a staple in their lifestyle, they’ve now given up their outings to boutique restaurants, independent foreign films, weekend driving excursions, and the idea of parenthood.

“Times are tough,” explains Judy, “we’ve buckled down, eat home a lot, don’t see much of our friends anymore. We’re really utilizing and building up our Netflix queue, not drinking so much bottled water, and having much more sex.” After a synchronized giggle, Adrian then added, “yea, and with a rubber too! Can’t afford to have a fat kid these days.”

The Parcheezies aren’t the only ones in America that have adjusted to the new economy. The Nielson Co., a data-tracking firm, has issued a report “identifying product categories whose sales are rising – and falling – at drug stores, supermarkets, and big-box outlets” The report revealed that “cocooners”, a term retail analysts use to describe consumers who nest to cut down on expenses, are cutting back on film/cameras (-31.5%), magazines (-17.1%), bottled water (-11%), and buckets/bins/bath items (-13%). Products that are rising are canned goods (+11.5%), veggies/dry grains (5.5%), wine/liquor (10.7%), and condoms (1.5%).

Fellow “cocooners” Abner and Mindy Greensteen have also reverted to staying at home, not using light bulbs, planting an organic garden, and debating the merits of parenthood. “We can’t bring another future despoiler into this world,” states Abner, a suspected one-time eco-terrorist, “and in our eco-therapy sessions, I’ve expressed my concerns over having a wasteful, gluttonous child.”

According to new research, nearly one-fifth of American 4-year-olds are obese, and children of color are at higher risk. Obese children are at risk for early onset of diabetes, fatty liver and musculoskeletal problems. Researchers calculated the body mass index from a sample of 8,550 Hispanic, black, white, Asian and Native American 4-year-olds. The children were born in 2001, and in 2005, their height and weight were measured -- 18.4 percent of them were obese.

"It's a very bad sign if we see obesity at a young age," states Pediatrician Dr. Dave Meatwreath, "When we see children obese at age 4, we're likely to see complications -- high blood pressure, abnormal lipids -- which can lead to heart disease and stroke, diabetes in children. The heavier you are as a child,” continues Meatwreath, “the likelier that extra weight will follow you through life. That's why we see adolescents who need weight-loss surgery, because they have life-threatening complications from obesity."

“You know how much the medical costs would be to take care of a fat kid for 18 years?” muses Adrian Parcheezie, “ I mean, losing weight is tough when you're on a tight budget. We need to ride out this recession the best we can. Rubbers are key to making that happen.  Cheap foods are packed with calories and low on nutrition. We still like our organic goods, wine, etc..” continues Adrian, “a fat kid would kill our bottom line.”

Apparently, with the sales of booze and condoms on the rise, there are many other Americans out there that are drinking and fornicating their depression-recession away, but are still fiscally aware of the repercussions of rotund off-spring.

(MP) - Dirty Sock, infamous for its supporting role in the 1990 Tom Robbins novel, Skinny Legs And All, has finally been reunited with it’s long lost partner, Other Dirty Sock.

The twenty-year search was not without adventure or companionship.  Dirty Sock spent the better part of the 1990’s with Random Baby Shoe, and most of the early 2000’s with Suspect Man Sandal.

“The years with Random Baby Shoe were the most satisfying for me. They began when a homeless woman peeled me off the sidewalk outside of Scores, in Manhattan.  She threw me in her shopping cart with her bottles and cans, and sang Cat Stevens songs while crossing the Queensboro Bridge.  I fell out of the wagon when she hit a bump outside Silver Cup Studios, and ended up beside Random Baby Shoe on an abandoned lot.  For a time, I had a purpose.  It wasn’t until the super-sexy condos started arriving in the late 1990’s that I ended up in a dumpster during the groundbreaking process,” explained Dirty Sock. 

When questioned about the days with Suspect Man Sandal, (otherwise known as the inside-out years) Sock said: “They were too long and sordid to get into right now…just know that I was embarrassed.”

Sock told us that the best way to survive out there is to roll with it and pray…even when times get tough.  

“It was lonely out there.  Laying on sidewalks, or near campfires next to pornographic magazines on your back, and not remembering how you got there is pretty scary; especially when you find yourself in a neighborhood filled with ADHD children.  They can be the worst…they will run up to you and just jump up in there and stomp on you for no other reason than to show off to their friends. 

"The chain of events that would lead to the Hollywood ending began when singer songwriter, and environmental activist, Paula Vendaben entered her building on Suffolk Street in Manhattan, last Thursday.  After a meal at Angelica’s Kitchen with boyfriend and abstract painter, Serge Lubavitch, Paula discovered, Dirty Sock in her vestibule and angrily threw it into the trash.

 From a trash bag… to a garbage truck... to a dog’s mouth, and then into a car headed for a weekend at the Jersey Shore, Sock went on a wild ride that would bring it to the serendipitous moment it had been waiting for: the reunion with Other Dirty Sock.

As the Debenedetto’s and their family dog Rocky arrived at the Sea Bright Beach, the discovery of Sock was made.  Mrs. Debenedetto, or Nicole, as her husband Anthony knows her, was rousing from a nap when she turned to Rocky who so proudly dangled Sock from his jowls.  Disgusted, Nicole ripped Sock from Rocky’s mouth and tossed it out the window.  Guided by Nicole’s inspiring vocals, “oh my god …eeeewww…  grooossss,” the glare off Anthony’s sunglasses, and a strong gust of Jersey wind, Sock took flight boardwalk bound.  With the sun at its back and the salty air surrounding it, Sock began a descent like no other. As far as Sock was concerned this landing was for good.  Hovering over Other Dirty Sock, the wind halted at just the right time, and like a feather, Sock floated to the boardwalk to its final resting place… beside, Other Dirty Sock.

With too many parties to thank for the happy ending, Dirty Sock decided to allow nature to take its course, and smile contentedly next to Other Dirty Sock in silence for the rest of its days.

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president.  That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

 “We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. 

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

The Catskills isn’t the first place that comes to mind when discussing Wall Street, but this weekend there was a new wave of Wanna-be-Wall-Streeters camping, hiking, and sharing stories on how to break into the business.

Deep in the Forest, among the century timber and clean air, the hot topic among a select few was: how to do we do it all over again?  What’s in it for us?  How do we capitalize on the tough times of others? The answers for these folks lie within the Head Counselors and Co-Founders of Camp Kodiak, (a new empowerment camp for nefarious types wishing to learn new tricks of the trade in an increasingly regulated market), Jake Binder and Jack McGregor.

Jake Binder, former CEO of Silverback Securities, and Jack McGregor, former CFO of Cloud 9 Consulting have teamed up at the helm of Camp Kodiak in order to pass on their knowledge of creating value out of nothing, and winning no matter what. Two individuals with strong track records when it comes to making money off of seamlessly useless products and companies, Binder and McGregor are convinced that this Bear Camp will be a success in the years to come.

“Most Bears have done their best to stay out of the spotlight or deny hunting the poor and defenseless, but Jack and I say the hell with it…I mean we’re 65…we’ve raised our families, slept with tons of prostitutes, and managed to have memberships at some of the most prestigious country clubs in the United States,” explained Mr. Binder.  “Shouldn’t some younger kids have the same chance to live the good life as we know it?  I think they should.”

Some courses being taught in the weekend warrior session at Camp Kodiak will be: Short-Selling with the Best of Them, Lying: The New Honesty, and Feeding Time: When to go in For the Kill. Sharing in the mentoring of their students, Binder and McGregor feel these beginner courses will give the youth a true taste for blood which will keep them coming back for more year after year.

“Jake’s background in the bottom line and my background in the big picture will definitely help these youngsters get a good foot-hold in the business,” said McGregor.  “You’ve got to be selfish.  It’s the only way.”

It’s hard to argue with two men who have lead such industrious lives.  They have helped keep many prostitutes and strip clubs in business for years, they’ve kept minorities of race and religion out of their clubs and offices, and they’ve made tons of money and spent most of it overseas.  They’ve done it all.

The success of Camp Kodiak lies in just how insatiable the appetite for making a quick buck is to the next generation of Wall-Streeters.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

For more information on Camp Kodiak, you must first speak with the guy who knows a guy that knows another guy ... in the know.  After that, you’re pretty much good to go.

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s  “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party.  Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

"Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board." This is the slogan for the Berlin-based World Chess Boxing Organization. With official training clubs in Berlin, London and Sofia, Bulgaria; spokesman Andreas Dilschneider calls it “an intellectual fight club, and the biathlon of the 21st century."

The fastest sport on the rise (rivaling even the popular MMA), the WCBO has attracted the attention of ESPN coverage, and some of the fiercest boxers in the world, from legendary Lennox Lewis to newcomer Yuri Bagalov. 

"If you don't know anything about chess-boxing it might seem a strange combination", says Dilschneider, "but if you think about it, in both sports there are many parallels." Just as you can be knocked out in boxing, "you can be in front in chess for 10 or 20 moves. You can build up a very strong position. You can be a very good player. But if for one moment you are not aware, and you make one bad move, the whole game is over."

In a chess-boxing exhibition, two fighters play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. The winner is determined by knockout, checkmate, or referee decision.

“Seems like logical path for me,” explains former Extreme Badminton Champion Yuri Bagalov, “I dominate Badminton. It become boring. I come to London to train at their club. I like idea of sitting down for whole rounds. I’m a little fat, yes?  This sport is perfect for Yuri Bagalov!”

The chess-boxing combo traces its roots back to a 1992 comic book, titled “The Nikopol Trilogy”, in which the men of the future box on a chessboard floor.

“I don’t read comic books,” exclaims a visibly annoyed Bagalov, “maybe ask baby-man Sazhin.”

Bagalov is referring to the 2008 World Champion Chess-boxer, Russian math student Nikolaj Sazhin, Sazhin, 19, won the light heavyweight division after seizing his opponent's queen in the fifth round of chess.

"Bagalov is a fat blow-hard, and I will take his queen in two moves," Sazhin said, via a translator. "He cannot control his emotions. He is sloppy. You have to be totally cooled down in chess coming out of the boxing round. The adrenaline is the problem. "

Bagalov hopes to meet Sazhin in the ring in upcoming months. “I am ready,” states Bagalov,  “I wait in London. I wait with my Natashas and Vodkas. He cannot dismiss Yuri Bagalov forever. When we meet, I will knock him out in first round, and when he is lying there, I will king his crown. That is correct, right? King his crown? In Russia, crown is circle like anus, you know?  I will king it!”

Barry Tennison prefers the simple life: an insurance actuary by day, and a devoted husband come nightfall.

Passing his days with ease wasn’t always second nature for Barry-there was a time when hedonism, and excessive perversions controlled his every move.  It wasn’t until Barry settled down with his Grandmother’s Mink Hat that he found solitude, companionship, and a reason for living.

On March 27, 2009, Mr. Tennison wed his deceased Grandmothers Mink Hat on an archipelago, off the coast of Dubai.  With a Minister, Ben Habig, (hired from Craig’s List), and childhood friend, Whitney Prendergast, in attendance, Barry pledged himself forever faithful to “Nana’s Socket.”

“I cried.  I truly cried,” said Whitney.  “I mean you should have seen him before he realized that masturbating in Nana’s Socket was the only thing that really made him happy…truly happy.  He was a mess.  There was drinking, prostitutes … he had no job.  It wasn’t a good time.”

After speaking with Mr. Prendergast, an independently wealthy chess champion living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, we too were convinced that there was no other road to recovery for Barry.  “Trying to fit in can be the most difficult thing in the world when you’re in love with an inanimate object,” Whitney explained. “If more people pledged their faith to the inanimate objects they are bound to, maybe they wouldn’t be so upset.  I heard a man in Canada married himself last year. Life doesn’t have to be so difficult.“

The scene couldn’t have been more picturesque: an archipelago shaped like a Palm Tree in a hot-bed for human trafficking, two life-long friends, a minister with an online degree, and an eternal love for a Grandmother's Mink Hat.

After the ceremony, Barry held a gentle smile firm to his face, and asked for a moment alone with “Nana”, referring to the frayed mink hat fondly.  Before parting, (in search of duty free items at the hotel gift shop), we asked Barry how he felt.  He replied simply: “Blessed.”

It takes a brave spirit and a simple soul to chase down a dream.  Barry Tennison seemed to embody both as he affectionately caressed Nana’s Socket  gazing at the sunset over the Persian Gulf.

Jim Bartone, formerly Jim Bartone-Potts, is an active father of three and creator of the popular nutritional supplement, The Emasculated Male Energy Drink, or The Big “EMED”, as it is known to it’s many faithful followers.

Just three years ago, Jim found himself a shell of a human being stuck in a hopeless marriage to Judy Potts: PTA (Parent Teacher Association) President, Bowling Coach, Jazzercise Expert, Corporate Lawyer, Backseat Driver, and skilled Emasculator.

Jim and Judy met at Memory Lanes Bowling Alley in Red Bank, NJ on a quiet night in the fall of 1996.  Jim was throwing a few games to blow off some steam after a rough day at the office-he was working as a mortgage broker in the offices of Bingham Coolidge, in Red Bank. Judy was working as a bowling coach to earn some extra cash for a Vespa she’d been hoping to buy for herself.  Judy, a self-taught and self-proclaimed master of the Lanes, preferred to be called by the nickname, Pentagon, (a name she had given herself one afternoon while staring at her reflection in the mirror), while on the clock at the alley.

Jim was having a rough night with the pins, and Judy was teaching Rory Tunkorfson, local youth bowling champion a few tips in the next lane.  Taking notice of Jim’s struggles, Judy, Pentagon rather, stepped in with some down-home advice: she walked over, took the ball out of Jim’s hand, and showed him how it was done.

Smitten by The Pentagon’s take charge nature on such a low energy day, Jim was happy to give her a lift home when she asked so sweetly, all the while making sure to be out of view of other patrons who might catch her in a vulnerable moment.  The drive home and the sex that followed were a success.

Three children and 10 years later, Bill began to notice that he had lost himself in the Pentagon, and was void of opinions of his own. “I hadn’t made a joint decision with Judy Potts since we decided to wed in the spring, of 1997. I hadn’t hung out with my friends since the Horde Tour in 1998.  I hadn’t smoked a cigarette since the last one I bummed off Bobby Jackson in front of Memory Lanes in 1996.  My children were not allowed to take orders from me.  I had been deemed an unfit parent because of my taste in Hollywood women and past relationships with recreational drugs.  I was sperm walking … without a say in the world. It was pretty damn scary,” explained Jim.

It was at that moment in time that Bill decided to lose the hyphen from his last name and re-claim some sense of decency and self worth. By joining forces with Vitamin Giant, Parthenon pharmaceuticals, Jim Bartone was able to create The Big “EMED”.

“EMED changed my life. And it’s changing the lives of millions of men daily.  People are holding EMED parties and getting real fired up about their next moves. You know we hear a lot about women in bad relationships, but what we don’t hear about are all the men out there who are being beaten down by their wives…physically as well as mentally.  It’s pretty scary stuff.  EMED isn’t a rally against females-it’s a necessary elixir to find that healthy balance,” said Jim.

EMED can be purchased at GNC, The Vitamin Shoppe, Trader Joe’s, Costco and some participating Food Town Stores. Just a quick tip: you can get tremendous savings by buying it in bulk at Trader Joe’s.

So if you’re a big push over who does whatever your wife tells you, and allows her to spend all of your money because you think she’s hot, or you might have great sex: think again. Some day gravity will find you both, and by that time you may not have the energy to grab for the EMED.

Be Gentlemen: Escape The Vulva Denta.

 (MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

 “I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh?  You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S.  The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The Secretary of State's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar,  “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried,” states Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip.  Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

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(MP) – Sweat suits are quite popular attire for a jaunt to the suburban mall, or an expedition to the movies with the kids.  They can also feel real comfy-cozy when one decides to jog down to the neighborhood market for some morning brew and the Sunday Paper. That is where former President George W Bush found himself donning a Sunday sweat suit in his Houston neighborhood over the weekend.

Although he was ensconced in his Sunday comfy-cozy, “W” appeared a bit fey with the words “Juicy” plastered across his buttocks.

“I knew there must have been a reason why I felt so darn giddy.  I guess these juicy deals do that to you,” said Mr. Bush.

It seems that Bush was in a rush to read his horoscope on Sunday morning, and needed to get his paper, so he went rifling through a pile of clothes in the family laundry room, when he came across a matching set of sunflower yellow Juicy Couture sweatpants and sweatshirt.

“Laundry room is in the back of the house.  House faces west. There’s only one window. Ya can’t see much.  I could of sworn I was holding my Yale Bull Dogs tops and bottoms which I wear every weekend, but I guess Laura didn’t wash them, so I’m in these juicy deals … which aren’t half bad,” explained Mr. Bush.

As George W Bush paraded around the local market, followed closely by secret service, he gathered some fresh orange juice, the morning paper, and some Little Debbie's Smores snacks.  His Juicy morning didn’t seem to phase him in least.  We tried to get the attention of the secret service to inquire why it was they allowed George to leave the family compound dressed in Jenna’s former frat party favorite, but we only received stone faces ... below magic-shell-hair.

Finally George unlocked his scooter from outside the store, and before his first push of the leg that would bring him scampering home, he looked over to me and said, “only thing that sucks about these things is that they make my damn 'business' looks so darn small…must be the breeze.”

The breeze is always one explanation for a lot of things. But for Mr. Bush, sometimes a good horoscope is all it takes. Houston Chronicle horoscope for Cancer on March 30, 2009: don't be afraid to try new things.

Thanks "W" for embracing your spiritual path.