Super Man-Thong Saves Boeing 747, But Denied Membership Into Allegiance of Heroes

Posted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009

(MP) - The Federal Aviation Administration - apologizing for the Boeing 747, which took part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot, and flew frighteningly close to the buildings of New York City, scaring it’s citizens – is now being accused of not just negligence by everyone from the mayor to the President - but lying as well. It has been revealed that the plane was actually out of the pilot’s control for a period of time, causing the 747 to veer so low into the building’s path.

“I saws the plane,” explains Jeanine Menthol, an eye witness who came into the city with her two daughters to enjoy the unusually warm April day, “and I almost shit my pants, ok? I thought it was another 9/11’s. My kids ran for cover, leaving me, and then I looked up and saw him. I thought he wasn’t real, but you can’t fake that kind of package.”

What Ms. Menthol is referring to is the appearance on the scene of the fabled Super Man-Thong. Dressed only in a thong, the underground vigilante is known for fighting crime throughout the tri-state area. No one has ever gotten a good look at the Jersey hero, but this time he flew down into the street to greet the press corps that arrived on the scene.

“Another job well done for Man-Thong,” explained the gallant hero, “by rerouting that plane I saved you all. This will show the ‘Allegiance’ once for all that just because I don’t like tan lines, doesn’t mean I can’t help people.”  

Recent reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio have centered on the discovery of a real life super hero organization. Calling itself the “Allegiance of Heroes”, this team of vigilantes, made up of a group of men -- and one woman - communicate with one another in online forums, then don their uniforms and fight crime all over the country. Led by Cincinnati’s own - Shadowhare - the group consists of Aclyptico stationed in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado, Master Legend in Florida, and Mr. Extreme in California. However, one scantily clad super hero has been declined for membership in this extremely elite community, and that is New Jersey’s own – Super Man-Thong.

“We have very strict criteria to gain admittance into our alliance,” explained Shadowhare, who was abused as a child and grew up in foster homes, perhaps leading him to a life helping others,” it’s very clear in our by-laws – ‘The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it's creation’- end of story. His costume is a mockery. We don’t need anyone laughing at us thinking that we are crazy or something.”

The crime fighters will often pair up to patrol the streets. However, none of them wish to be seen teaming up with the T’d Strung super hero. "We help enforce the law by doing what we can in legal standards, so we carry handcuffs, pepper spray … all the legal weapons," continued Shadowhare. "We will do citizen's arrests. We will intervene on crimes if there is one happening in front of us.  He has nowhere to carry any of these crime-fighting gadgets. He constantly has me hold his wallet for him. Besides, that whole plane thing? He caused it to happen so he could save it so we would let him in!"

In a statement responding to these allegations, Super Man-Thong declared, “in no way did I put anyone in harms way. Shadowhare is a liar and a fraud. He suffered a dislocated shoulder two years ago while trying to help a woman who was being attacked. What kind of power is that? Tell me!! I can fly dammit!! I can shoot freaking laser beams out of my thong!! I can propel myself at the speed of light with my farts! How much more do I need to do to be a part of their group, huh? Huh?”

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Mommy Menthol: A Pillar of the Cigarette Community

Posted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Menthol cigarettes have destroyed the lives of many.  However, one New Jersey family owes their livelihood as well as their lung cancer to a very special brand: Manic Menthols.

Paul Menthol, known to his many friends as “Mr. Unfiltered”, loved to smoke his menthols so much that when he was laid off from his job as a Monmouth Beach Police Officer for perpetual tardiness, and drinking on the job, he approached Manic Menthol’s with an ingenious proposal.  Paul Welton, as he was known at the time, walked into the Manic Menthol factory on East Freehold Road, and asked if they were interested in a lifetime of advertisement-literally. 

“It was a wacky proposal, but one that made me ecstatic”, said Benjamin De la Soul, owner of Manic Menthol’s, and father of local entrepreneur, Roger De la Soul.  “Imagine someone who loved smoking so much that they were willing to change their last name just in order to have a lifetime supply.  It's quite beautiful, if you think about it. So, I jumped at the chance to pay Paul minimum wage for the rest of his life as long as he held true to his part of the bargain…and he did…and so did the entire Menthol family, including his daughter Jeanine.  We are so proud of them all.”


Paul and his wife Elise embraced the Menthol lifestyle until they both fell victim to lung cancer in 1998.  Paul passed on Thanksgiving Day, and Elise didn’t make it to see Christmas.  The family was quite close, and they shared their love for each other almost as much as their love for Menthol’s.

Jeanine Menthol has been smoking her family issue menthol’s since 1984.  She has never let her shallow breathing and chronic cough get in the way of her yogalates, or her search for the perfect rich Doctor. Spending most of her nights trolling the Seaside Boardwalk bars for a Staten Island Physician who might need some company, Jeanine Menthol, or “Mommy”, as she is known by those who love and admire her is a proud mother of two, and full time employee of Manic Menthol’s.  She is revered as a pillar of the cigarette community.

“It’s amazing to have someone like Jeanine on our team.  She continues to introduce more disenchanted teenagers to our product every day.  With her white trash appeal, and superficial values she is a hit with kids from broken homes, and adults who suffer from a crippling sense of self-loathing.  We love having her face as the face of Manic Menthol’s,” said Roger De La Soul.  “She’s the best.”

When we caught up with Jeanine outside the Mid Way Cheese Steak Stand on the boardwalk as she slurped down a greasy hero, she only had this to say as she wiped some cheese whiz from her chin,"Mommy needs a Menthol."I guess Mommy knows what Mommy wants.

We can’t wait to see what Mommy Menthol offers up to the global cigarette community next.

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New Swine Flu Symptoms Revealed: Beer Goggles and Walks of Shame

Posted on Monday, April 27, 2009

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”

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Celebrity “Spit Party” Cracks Zach Efron Affair

Posted on Thursday, April 23, 2009

(MP) - 23andme.com, the Google-backed personal genomics start-up, attracted world-wide media attention for itself this past January with its celebrity "spit party": at which notables ejected saliva samples into test tubes before cutting loose with a barrage of booze and gourmet delicacies. The event, hosted by media moguls Barry Diller, Rupert Murdoch, and Harvey Weinstein, was part of a publicity push by 23andMe through its celebrity marketing strategy. 

23andMe offers to analyze your DNA if you send them some spit and a wad of cash. They offer information about your risk of specific serious conditions, tests for "hair loss" or "addiction," optimum foods for your genetic profile, and will scan your entire genome for variants that supposedly predispose you to a range of conditions, from Alzheimer's to arthritis to athletic performance. A Hollywood insider revealed that the “spit party” was very appealing to many of the stars that attended; however, the company is back in the spotlight, and the hot seat, after results from one their test tube subjects was leaked onto the internet. 

The unverified report that was leaked was that the DNA test tube spit-sample of party girl/celebutante London Marriot, from the hit reality show So Rich, revealed traces of two different DNA structure sequences. After further investigation, it was found that one of the strand structures was an identical match to Hollywood heartthrob Zach Efron. Neither could be reached for comment, but eyewitnesses stated that Efron did in fact attend the event without girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, and was seen with Marriot before entering the party.

The witness, who wishes to remain nameless, stated, “all of a sudden they both appeared, and there were all these cameras around, and they had no where to go. They were both handed their test tubes, and it seemed that London’s sample seemed a lot more…viscous than any others that I had seen.”

Hollywood paparazzi have been beside themselves due to the lack of response from all parties involved. Speculation and rumors are arising concerning the viscosity of the sample. Marriot has been no stranger to the dehydrated dry mouth that binge drinking provides, but witness’ description of the thick, but watery, sample could belie that common place theory. Until further details are revealed, all we can say to celebrities that attend these parties in the future is to be careful where you spit.

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New US interrogation Methods: TV Sitcoms, Twitter and Youtube?

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television.  The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are.  But it is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.

In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, and Guantanamo, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.

“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”

Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about. 

CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process.  There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.

“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong.  It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad.  “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”

It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.

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A Little TOO Much Earth Day Love?

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

(MP) - Today is Earth Day: a day to set aside and take stock in what we are doing to our planet EVERY OTHER day of the year. It is a day that all environmentalists hope that everyone in the world will become enamored with what is all around them, and begin to make a concentrated effort to love and to care for our mother Earth. Every year, one eco-friendly group, Manic Tree Huggers, goes into the woods of Northern California, and stages a “hug-in”, where they pick the tree of their choice, wrap their arms around it, and engage in one giant hug-of-war. However, this particular protest caught one eco-striver off guard.

“We all entered the area,” explains Barry Dud, founder of Compost Orgy, one time a dismissed sexually deviant sub-culture of the environmentalist movement, but has now seen spikes in memberships and functions in the last 8 years, “and we spread out under this beautiful canopy of branches and leaves. I was looking for what seemed like forever for my tree, and then one finally entranced me. When I went to touch it, this crazy naked man ran out of the bushes and pointed a Winchester rifle right in my face!”

In a report later filed by California State Troopers, Dud reported that he had recognized the naked man as Clarence Ogle, a “hugger” from a North Dakota faction that had mysteriously disappeared 8 years ago.

“I knew it was him,” explained Dud, “and I said, ‘Clarence? Is that you?’ and he just kept yelling at us all, saying to stay away from his woman, that she was his, she loved him, and that he didn’t know who the hell Clarence Ogle was – that his name was Erogenous Sticks. He kept just saying that – Erogenous Sticks, Erogenous Sticks, My name’s Erogenous Sticks!”

Dud also testified that when the group had been driven from the area, an eye witness, Mindy Greensteen from New York, went back to discover Sticks fornicating the bark of the beguiling arbor.

“It was actually quite beautiful. I never got any sense that what he was doing was anything dirty,” explains Mindy Greensteen, “he was being so sweet with her. He was running his fingers through her leaves, telling her that he loved her, I genuinely got the impression that he had really fallen in love with this…tree.”

“He had been bewitched by the siren sounds of the wind in her leaves,” muses Dud, “so with our protest pretty much a bust, and half of our group deciding to call it a day, and the erotic nature of the whole experience; the remaining six of us that were single and committed to the cause decided to find the nearest compost pile and start pleasuring one another no matter what we looked like to each other – fat, thin, ugly, cute. I mean, love and pleasure are one in the same on Earth Day. I think that’s what we took away from Clare- I mean, Erogenous - It seems that love can come in all shapes, sizes, species, and…perennial woody plants!”

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4/20 Preparation Believed to be Cause of Death for 21 Thoroughbred Horses

Posted on Tuesday, April 21, 2009

(MP) - "I’m not sure what happened exactly,” explains Stratocaster, the recently discovered survivor of 21 horses that died at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Florida, “last I remembered it hit four-twenty, and all I know is I woke up, with my cat Mr. Tweets, on the beach in an orange jumpsuit.”

State of Florida officials said Monday that they suspect a drug reaction or toxins killed 21 horses as they were prepared to compete in a Sunday polo match in Wellington, Florida. Some of the 15 horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team died immediately, but some lingered for about 45 minutes. Six of the 21 horses were kept overnight in the same trailer for further interrogation. Before any further developments in the case could be uncovered, the remaining witnesses died sometime between Sunday and Monday.

"There was a combination of something," reported Ty Browley of the U.S. Polo Association, the sport's governing body, on Sunday night, "We don't know, but we're going to find out. Obviously, this is a tragic situation, and we are working hard to determine what happened," he continued, "But it would be irresponsible to speculate on what may have killed the horses. We will wait until the facts are in before making any specific comments on the case."

Some of those facts are now coming to light as a result of the Stratocaster’s reemergence. “It seems that on their off day, these horses were preparing for something called 4/20, in which groups gather on the 20th of April, at 4:00, and smoke extraordinary amounts of marijuana.” Browley explained, “we are discovering from Stratocaster’s testimony that mass cocaine use coincided with the horses preparation for this mass smoke-out.”

“We were in 4/20 training, and Val’s Dream brought in a copy of Bachelor Party,” explained Stratocaster, “we watched up to the part when the mule does all the coke, and then dances with the stripper. We all started joking that thoroughbred’s could easily out-party a jackass any day of the week. Unlucky Day (whose owner is Z-list celebrity, and recovering drug addict, Mick Priest) happened to have some with him from his owner’s stash, and it was all down hill from there.”

Ty Browley said he's never seen anything like the scenario that unfolded Sunday night. “Players and trainers do everything possible to keep the horses in optimum condition. These horses are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. They are babied every single day, all day long. But, I guess they are still just kids when you come down to it.”

Now that the facts have been ascertained, Browley is now starting an investigation to uncover further drug abuse in the Polo community.

“We’ve always tested for steroids for these animals because of the untrusting human factor,” states Browley, “but it seems there is now a growing concern over an ‘equine gateway-drug community’ that is pervading our Polo clubs. This 4/20 community, or cult, or whatever you wish to call it, will not continue with these horses. We’re going to crack down on these animals, get them on the straight and narrow - or else it is glue time boys.”

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Real Teabaggers Protest Abuse of the Term

Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009

 (MP) - Americans took it to the streets Wednesday (April 15th - tax day deadline for any of you U.S. citizens living in a basement with no job, TV, windows, or access to the outside world).  Demonstrators attended more than 750 Tax Day “tea parties” in cities across the country. The events were meant to protest government spending, particularly the Obama administration’s $787 billion stimulus package and its $3.5 trillion budget. As part of the demonstration, people wore tea bags hanging from umbrellas or eyeglasses, as well as tossing them on the White House lawn. The significance alludes to the historical “Boston Tea Party” and as a result, the appellation assigned to these people has become the running joke -  “teabaggers”.

However, one group doesn’t find the joke very funny. Blane Turner, president of the International TeaBaggers Alliance, finds the innuendo that is eliciting snickers and guffaws from bloggers and the main-stream media is insulting and disrespectful.

“When you have a well respected journalist like Anderson Cooper, making snide, sarcastic remarks that it’s 'hard to talk when you’re teabagging,' who out there will ever see past this ignorance and believe that - Yes! It is indeed hard to talk when you are teabagging! It can be dangerous too.”

The innuendo referred to here is what Turner states is the “legitimate definition” of teabbagging in which a man squats on top of a woman’s face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex.

“That’s all I ever knew it to mean,” states Teddy Rooney, former Atlantic City showman, recovering alcoholic, and long time teabagger, “it was a staple with the whores that I knew in Jersey...like kissing or shaking hands. I think this protest is important. Hundreds of naked chicks lying around on their backs? One of them is bound to get teabagged."

The ITBA gathered together on Thursday in lower Manhattan. The demonstration brought over a thousand protesters who stripped completely naked and proceeded to lay down on their backs in unison as a gesture to the position most teabaggers find themselves in. Police arrived very late on the scene in confusion.

"Yea, well we got a call that a teabaggin' protests where happenin'’,” explains NYPD Officer Buffumo, “but they’d been happenin’ all day Wednesday. Then we got here, and saw that this protest was teabaggin’ of a whole other flavor if you know what I mean?”

The protest was soon broken up, and everyone dispersed without any violence. No arrests were made for any public indecency, and the ITBA felt that it was all a great success.

“I think we made our point,” muses Turner, “you can’t just throw around your tea bags and call it teabagging. The only true definition is when those bags land in someone’s mouth, and not on the White House lawn.”

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First Michael Vick, Now...Dead Mr. Ed

Posted on Thursday, April 16, 2009

If you're a famous NFL quarterback that happens to fight dogs to their death for a little extra cash so that you may indulge in the finer things in life like bottles of Cristal, expensive jewelry, mansions, and sports cars, you’re name might be, Michael Vick- And you will be getting out of prison soon.  Fortunately for the celebrity- swallowing American public, you will definitely be starring in a reality TV series about your new found freedom in a post canine-murdering-world.

Mr. Vick has been lucky enough to be rewarded for his actions of dutiful citizenry by receiving a $600,000 payday from an undisclosed network.  The NFL superstar turned torturer, turned broke-individual, will be gracing the small screen on his journey toward redemption.  The show is scheduled to begin filming upon his release from prison on July 20th. 

Due to Vick’s success in the reality TV market, there are plenty of other undeserving beings out there vying for the attention of Network Executives.  But the one we’re rooting for is: the dead body of Mr. Ed.  Yes, that’s correct.  Mr. Ed the beloved television horse who wooed audiences in the 50’s TV sitcom that bore his name is back, but in spirit alone…so far.

The Estate of Mr. Ed would like to exhume the body of the horse for a new reality series entitled ‘Dead Mr. Ed’.  The program would consist of Mr. Ed’s whisperer moving his bones and decaying flesh to various rodeos throughout the Southwest in an effort to further monetize the fame of the fallen beast.

“We feel that it will be an important part of TV’s weekly line-up,” said Sandy Bantracter, CEO of Bantracter Management of West Hollywood CA, and Executor of the Estate of Mr. Ed.  “There is no better way to teach today’s children how much joy dead animals can bring us without bringing America’s most famous dead animal to them.”

Mr. Bantracter is hoping that ‘Dead Mr. Ed’ will be a win fall for his company, Cash For Your Dead, LLC, and hopefully put him in the
Reality TV Hall of Fame.  With his firm belief in the revival of deceased creature stars, Mr. Bantracter has been seizing the rights to many dead animals, and even dead humans of Hollywood’s past. He is currently in discussions with the Estates of Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Don Knotts.

“I’m going through the proper channels. I’m not going out and robbing graves.  I’m requesting permission from all living relatives,” stated Bantracter. “  It has been quite easy to convince them considering that most of their living kin are suffering from drug addictions, and crippling sense of self-loathing due to their shortcomings that they are practically giving away their dead relatives. “

Mr. Bantracter is currently courting many heavy hitters at hotel bars all over town.  He hopes that Cash For Your Dead, LLC will be a business he can pass on to his children.  This Delaware incorporated business may be the first of its kind, but we doubt it will be the last. 

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Naltrexone a “no-no” at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center

Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago -- when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors' offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, "There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines -- reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way.  An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you're an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as 'OK' drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups -- topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model -- based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous -- is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

"It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference."

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. "Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism," says Schwarzlose. "They're smart people, but they're missing how complex this disease is."

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that's Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

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