Barry Tennison prefers the simple life: an insurance actuary by day, and a devoted husband come nightfall.

Passing his days with ease wasn’t always second nature for Barry-there was a time when hedonism, and excessive perversions controlled his every move.  It wasn’t until Barry settled down with his Grandmother’s Mink Hat that he found solitude, companionship, and a reason for living.

On March 27, 2009, Mr. Tennison wed his deceased Grandmothers Mink Hat on an archipelago, off the coast of Dubai.  With a Minister, Ben Habig, (hired from Craig’s List), and childhood friend, Whitney Prendergast, in attendance, Barry pledged himself forever faithful to “Nana’s Socket.”

“I cried.  I truly cried,” said Whitney.  “I mean you should have seen him before he realized that masturbating in Nana’s Socket was the only thing that really made him happy…truly happy.  He was a mess.  There was drinking, prostitutes … he had no job.  It wasn’t a good time.”

After speaking with Mr. Prendergast, an independently wealthy chess champion living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, we too were convinced that there was no other road to recovery for Barry.  “Trying to fit in can be the most difficult thing in the world when you’re in love with an inanimate object,” Whitney explained. “If more people pledged their faith to the inanimate objects they are bound to, maybe they wouldn’t be so upset.  I heard a man in Canada married himself last year. Life doesn’t have to be so difficult.“

The scene couldn’t have been more picturesque: an archipelago shaped like a Palm Tree in a hot-bed for human trafficking, two life-long friends, a minister with an online degree, and an eternal love for a Grandmother's Mink Hat.

After the ceremony, Barry held a gentle smile firm to his face, and asked for a moment alone with “Nana”, referring to the frayed mink hat fondly.  Before parting, (in search of duty free items at the hotel gift shop), we asked Barry how he felt.  He replied simply: “Blessed.”

It takes a brave spirit and a simple soul to chase down a dream.  Barry Tennison seemed to embody both as he affectionately caressed Nana’s Socket  gazing at the sunset over the Persian Gulf.

Jim Bartone, formerly Jim Bartone-Potts, is an active father of three and creator of the popular nutritional supplement, The Emasculated Male Energy Drink, or The Big “EMED”, as it is known to it’s many faithful followers.

Just three years ago, Jim found himself a shell of a human being stuck in a hopeless marriage to Judy Potts: PTA (Parent Teacher Association) President, Bowling Coach, Jazzercise Expert, Corporate Lawyer, Backseat Driver, and skilled Emasculator.

Jim and Judy met at Memory Lanes Bowling Alley in Red Bank, NJ on a quiet night in the fall of 1996.  Jim was throwing a few games to blow off some steam after a rough day at the office-he was working as a mortgage broker in the offices of Bingham Coolidge, in Red Bank. Judy was working as a bowling coach to earn some extra cash for a Vespa she’d been hoping to buy for herself.  Judy, a self-taught and self-proclaimed master of the Lanes, preferred to be called by the nickname, Pentagon, (a name she had given herself one afternoon while staring at her reflection in the mirror), while on the clock at the alley.

Jim was having a rough night with the pins, and Judy was teaching Rory Tunkorfson, local youth bowling champion a few tips in the next lane.  Taking notice of Jim’s struggles, Judy, Pentagon rather, stepped in with some down-home advice: she walked over, took the ball out of Jim’s hand, and showed him how it was done.

Smitten by The Pentagon’s take charge nature on such a low energy day, Jim was happy to give her a lift home when she asked so sweetly, all the while making sure to be out of view of other patrons who might catch her in a vulnerable moment.  The drive home and the sex that followed were a success.

Three children and 10 years later, Bill began to notice that he had lost himself in the Pentagon, and was void of opinions of his own. “I hadn’t made a joint decision with Judy Potts since we decided to wed in the spring, of 1997. I hadn’t hung out with my friends since the Horde Tour in 1998.  I hadn’t smoked a cigarette since the last one I bummed off Bobby Jackson in front of Memory Lanes in 1996.  My children were not allowed to take orders from me.  I had been deemed an unfit parent because of my taste in Hollywood women and past relationships with recreational drugs.  I was sperm walking … without a say in the world. It was pretty damn scary,” explained Jim.

It was at that moment in time that Bill decided to lose the hyphen from his last name and re-claim some sense of decency and self worth. By joining forces with Vitamin Giant, Parthenon pharmaceuticals, Jim Bartone was able to create The Big “EMED”.

“EMED changed my life. And it’s changing the lives of millions of men daily.  People are holding EMED parties and getting real fired up about their next moves. You know we hear a lot about women in bad relationships, but what we don’t hear about are all the men out there who are being beaten down by their wives…physically as well as mentally.  It’s pretty scary stuff.  EMED isn’t a rally against females-it’s a necessary elixir to find that healthy balance,” said Jim.

EMED can be purchased at GNC, The Vitamin Shoppe, Trader Joe’s, Costco and some participating Food Town Stores. Just a quick tip: you can get tremendous savings by buying it in bulk at Trader Joe’s.

So if you’re a big push over who does whatever your wife tells you, and allows her to spend all of your money because you think she’s hot, or you might have great sex: think again. Some day gravity will find you both, and by that time you may not have the energy to grab for the EMED.

Be Gentlemen: Escape The Vulva Denta.

 (MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

 “I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh?  You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S.  The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The Secretary of State's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar,  “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried,” states Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip.  Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

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(MP) – Sweat suits are quite popular attire for a jaunt to the suburban mall, or an expedition to the movies with the kids.  They can also feel real comfy-cozy when one decides to jog down to the neighborhood market for some morning brew and the Sunday Paper. That is where former President George W Bush found himself donning a Sunday sweat suit in his Houston neighborhood over the weekend.

Although he was ensconced in his Sunday comfy-cozy, “W” appeared a bit fey with the words “Juicy” plastered across his buttocks.

“I knew there must have been a reason why I felt so darn giddy.  I guess these juicy deals do that to you,” said Mr. Bush.

It seems that Bush was in a rush to read his horoscope on Sunday morning, and needed to get his paper, so he went rifling through a pile of clothes in the family laundry room, when he came across a matching set of sunflower yellow Juicy Couture sweatpants and sweatshirt.

“Laundry room is in the back of the house.  House faces west. There’s only one window. Ya can’t see much.  I could of sworn I was holding my Yale Bull Dogs tops and bottoms which I wear every weekend, but I guess Laura didn’t wash them, so I’m in these juicy deals … which aren’t half bad,” explained Mr. Bush.

As George W Bush paraded around the local market, followed closely by secret service, he gathered some fresh orange juice, the morning paper, and some Little Debbie's Smores snacks.  His Juicy morning didn’t seem to phase him in least.  We tried to get the attention of the secret service to inquire why it was they allowed George to leave the family compound dressed in Jenna’s former frat party favorite, but we only received stone faces ... below magic-shell-hair.

Finally George unlocked his scooter from outside the store, and before his first push of the leg that would bring him scampering home, he looked over to me and said, “only thing that sucks about these things is that they make my damn 'business' looks so darn small…must be the breeze.”

The breeze is always one explanation for a lot of things. But for Mr. Bush, sometimes a good horoscope is all it takes. Houston Chronicle horoscope for Cancer on March 30, 2009: don't be afraid to try new things.

Thanks "W" for embracing your spiritual path.