If you're a famous NFL quarterback that happens to fight dogs to their death for a little extra cash so that you may indulge in the finer things in life like bottles of Cristal, expensive jewelry, mansions, and sports cars, you’re name might be, Michael Vick- And you will be getting out of prison soon.  Fortunately for the celebrity- swallowing American public, you will definitely be starring in a reality TV series about your new found freedom in a post canine-murdering-world.

Mr. Vick has been lucky enough to be rewarded for his actions of dutiful citizenry by receiving a $600,000 payday from an undisclosed network.  The NFL superstar turned torturer, turned broke-individual, will be gracing the small screen on his journey toward redemption.  The show is scheduled to begin filming upon his release from prison on July 20th. 

Due to Vick’s success in the reality TV market, there are plenty of other undeserving beings out there vying for the attention of Network Executives.  But the one we’re rooting for is: the dead body of Mr. Ed.  Yes, that’s correct.  Mr. Ed the beloved television horse who wooed audiences in the 50’s TV sitcom that bore his name is back, but in spirit alone…so far.

The Estate of Mr. Ed would like to exhume the body of the horse for a new reality series entitled ‘Dead Mr. Ed’.  The program would consist of Mr. Ed’s whisperer moving his bones and decaying flesh to various rodeos throughout the Southwest in an effort to further monetize the fame of the fallen beast.

“We feel that it will be an important part of TV’s weekly line-up,” said Sandy Bantracter, CEO of Bantracter Management of West Hollywood CA, and Executor of the Estate of Mr. Ed.  “There is no better way to teach today’s children how much joy dead animals can bring us without bringing America’s most famous dead animal to them.”

Mr. Bantracter is hoping that ‘Dead Mr. Ed’ will be a win fall for his company, Cash For Your Dead, LLC, and hopefully put him in the
Reality TV Hall of Fame.  With his firm belief in the revival of deceased creature stars, Mr. Bantracter has been seizing the rights to many dead animals, and even dead humans of Hollywood’s past. He is currently in discussions with the Estates of Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Don Knotts.

“I’m going through the proper channels. I’m not going out and robbing graves.  I’m requesting permission from all living relatives,” stated Bantracter. “  It has been quite easy to convince them considering that most of their living kin are suffering from drug addictions, and crippling sense of self-loathing due to their shortcomings that they are practically giving away their dead relatives. “

Mr. Bantracter is currently courting many heavy hitters at hotel bars all over town.  He hopes that Cash For Your Dead, LLC will be a business he can pass on to his children.  This Delaware incorporated business may be the first of its kind, but we doubt it will be the last. 

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago -- when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors' offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, "There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines -- reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way.  An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you're an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as 'OK' drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups -- topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model -- based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous -- is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

"It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference."

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. "Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism," says Schwarzlose. "They're smart people, but they're missing how complex this disease is."

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that's Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

Save Our Souls, the Brooklyn based Watchdog group, has launched a new division this week, The Divison of Unnecessary Broadcast Television, also known by its suspect acronym, DOUBT. The division will be headed by former YO Network Executive, Ted Sledge, who is known to have an eye for unworthy broadcasting due to his 10 years of experience producing it, and jamming it down the throats of the American people… unnecessarily.

DOUBT, a non-profit organization that is being backed by trust fund artist and occasional didgeridoo player, Graham Loveland of Bushwick, New York, will be a force to be reckoned in the new media.  Loveland has a background in idol time, which rivals that of most Prisoners of War.  He is said to spend mostly every waking hour watching the news while smoking marijuana and refusing to eat take out burritos his girlfriend brings to him.  His experience in complaining may also help, but he is banking on his years on the debate team in high school to propel him to the top.

“I’m over it.  If I have to watch Bo Obama attempting to take a dump on the White House lawn for a solid 26 minutes, I think I’m going to take my own life,” said an impassioned Loveland. “I mean I want to know what in the hell is going on in the world, but cheerleading with the CNN anchors that the stool of a Portuguese Water Dog is excreted from its canine sphincter is where I draw the line.”

Apparently Loveland was not bothered by the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, or the Gossip Girls Rolling Stones Magazine cover, which he proudly displayed on his $750 coffee table made from recycled lumber.  Graham is a fickle audience, but he is an audience, and an audience with money nonetheless.

“There will come a time when the world will watch stuff that matters on the TV, and on the Internet.  That time is not so far away,” said Graham.

Ted Sledge will be lobbying in Washington for DOUBT effective immediately. His first order of business will be to try and divert the attention away from Bo’s shit, and get to the bottom of the Economic shit that is concerning most.

“I’m ready to do what I have to.  I’m ready to do my job.  I’m no stranger to culture- poisoning programming.  After all, I was the brains behind, ‘Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Filthy Rich’, and ‘Fuck OFF: I’m Hot and You’re Not,” stated Sledge. “I can play with the decision makers in D.C.  I’m ready to go.”

Loveland will be waiting by his television in tight jeans and a half-shirt sporting an irreverent phrase or an 80’s punk band album cover.  He hopes to change the world.  He hopes that sitting on his couch sadly, and paying someone else to do his bidding will bring him satisfaction and contentment.  At commercial breaks, he will softly play his didgeridoo.

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone. 

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

With the unemployment rate averaging 8% for the tri-state area, and the economy still not seeing it’s bottom yet - the job hunt is on. But, with so many urban professionals all vying for the same competitive jobs, people are beginning to rely on more than just their resume and experience. It’s no surprise that studies show that tall, good-looking people do better in life and in love, so the latest philosophy in the ugly community (and you know who you are) seems to be, “a nip – here, and a tuck – there, is going to give me an edge in this flooded market.”

Dr. Orville Hamish, who performs what he calls a "wide awake face-lift" using only local anesthesia, which slashes the recovery time as well as the cost by as much as $6,000, making it popular among heinous looking job seekers, stated, "Before the economy turned down, people would come in because they wanted to have more fun and enjoyment out of life. But now plastic surgery has become a necessity for some. Unfortunate looking people cannot only rely on their skills in this market. They want to look refreshed and youthful so they can compete for jobs."

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) released a recent survey showing that, “American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. About 3 percent said they already had a cosmetic procedure to increase their perceived value in the workplace, and 73 percent said they believed that appearance and youthful looks play a part in getting hired, a promotion, or getting new clients, particularly in these challenging economic times.”

"The surgery made sense for me,” explains Marion Capricella, aspiring fashion designer, single mother of two, and looks as if she fell from the ugly tree, hitting every branch with her face, “I look at least 10 to 15 years younger, my tits are tighter, and I have more confidence.”

Manhattan plastic surgeon Saul Rubenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a "Job Fighter Package" for hideous women AND men.

"Men and women in their 40's and 50's are competing with peers 10 to 15 years younger and employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified," Rubenberg said, "We've probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago, and a lot of patients view the surgery as an investment and are financing it with loans.”

Ted Evening, Realtor, had a recent “tune-up” and explained, “My handsome friends would tell me, ‘Ted, get a good haircut, good clothes, and smile. Dazzle them with your wit. With your education and work history, employers will look past your fucked-up face. I mean,” he continued, “I’ve been saving for a long time for one of those penis enlargement procedures; but being what the real estate market is, I know I'll soon have to interview," Ted recently spent $17,000 on his face-lift, and still hasn’t found a job, but that hasn’t discouraged him.

”Men don’t quit playing because they grow old, know what I mean? They grow old cause they quit playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that,” Evening explains, ”You get what I’m talking about? I’m a goddamn handsome man now! An Adonis! Put me in the same room with some kid. I’ll knock it out of the park, you know what I mean? I mean, who cares if I have a small penis, I’m gonna be working, baby!”

In addition to the perceived competitive advantage from a face-lift, some surgeons believe the recession is starting to cause more and more patients to get "work done" for an emotional lift in these dark times.

“If you’re really ugly AND unemployed, that’s a double whammy,” opines Dr. Jesse Jamison, certified psychiatrist, “that’s difficult for anyone to even stand the sight of themselves, alone standing in front of a mirror. I think if it boosts self-esteem then it’s great. I’ve seen a little “work” save relationships, spice up sex lives, and hopefully for these really disfigured few, give them some financial security and sense of entitlement that only the beautiful ever really possess.”

(MP) - Father John Paul Hanselswift pushed send on his blackberry storm for the last time from the pulpit of St. Agnes Parish, in Bonsonville, Missouri.  The “accident”, (as it is being referred to by the Arch Diocese of Bonsonville), will be sure to send after-shocks through the parish for years to come.

The 8:00 pm mass on Tuesday nights is usually pretty quiet-reserved mostly for widows, and quiet, well-dressed creepy men in their forties who are forced to come by the women they live with: their mothers.  However, this Tuesday happened to be the anniversary of the death of local football hero, Ted Downing. Even though Downing passed away 17 years ago under bizarre and questionable circumstances on the St. Agnes swing set with an under-age girl, he was revered as a great role model and pillar of the community.  That being said, the Ted Downing Memorial Mass was always quite full.

Standing in front of his parishioners never made Father John nervous. He was always comfortable.  So comfortable that he felt succumbing to, “Idol Fever”, and texting in his vote for his favorite American Idol contestant, Adam Lambert, during his sermon, would be no problem at all.  Hanselswift knew Lambert would need his help because while following the internet feed on mute, he saw that host, Ryan Seacrest, was unable to keep the show moving along, and went 8 minutes over.  Lambert, the crowd favorite, was slotted with the “pimp slot” (the shows closer), and sang his heart out with his Tears for Fears cover, Mad World, to a studio audience only.  The rest of the channel 5 audience was already being introduced to a word from the sponsors , by the time Lambert took the stage.  As Hanselswift said “Amen” he pushed “send” hoping to fill his vote with that of the Holy Spirit.  What Father John Paul didn’t realize was that in his excitement he had only prayed 1-800-IDOL, and hadn’t typed in the numbers.  He had merely sent a naked photograph of himself in leather with a ball-gag in his mouth to his entire congregation, using the “send to all” option.

“There were a lot of folks there.  A lot of folks found themselves quite upset by it.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  It was pretty upsetting", said Amel Lukaewicz, parish elder.  “People used to keep their phones off at church but with the 'Idol Fever' going on out there... well…Father John wasn’t the only one trying to send his vote in.”

Being close to your parish comes with the territory of being a good priest.  Father John had the cell phone numbers of mostly everyone that had ever been on a church committee, followed him on twitter, or sent him an email.  He liked being connected to everyone, and being able to reach out in a moments notice, even when he was spending time with friends in Ibiza. He had probably only fantasized about alter boys getting a good look at his genitals, and never imagined it could actually happen.

Father John was unavailable for comment, according to the Bonsonville Diocese.  The only statement released by the Diocese was the following: “We are very sorry that you had to see Father John in this way. We are in agreement that Father John is a sexual deviant, and he will be removed form the parish effective immediately.  We will be re-assigning him to serve the people of St. Jerome’s which is a full 20 minutes from Bonsonville.  He will only be able to reach you and your children through text messaging, the Internet, and if he’s feeling energetic, a long-distance bike ride on a sunny Saturday afternoon. We hope you can now rest knowing that we will be bringing in Father Philip, who himself, is being re-assigned for suspect behavior at a parish roller rink party in North Bergen.  Thank you for remaining good Catholics during this trying time.”

 (MP) - Adrian and Judy Parcheezie don’t go out of their home much anymore. Once a staple in their lifestyle, they’ve now given up their outings to boutique restaurants, independent foreign films, weekend driving excursions, and the idea of parenthood.

“Times are tough,” explains Judy, “we’ve buckled down, eat home a lot, don’t see much of our friends anymore. We’re really utilizing and building up our Netflix queue, not drinking so much bottled water, and having much more sex.” After a synchronized giggle, Adrian then added, “yea, and with a rubber too! Can’t afford to have a fat kid these days.”

The Parcheezies aren’t the only ones in America that have adjusted to the new economy. The Nielson Co., a data-tracking firm, has issued a report “identifying product categories whose sales are rising – and falling – at drug stores, supermarkets, and big-box outlets” The report revealed that “cocooners”, a term retail analysts use to describe consumers who nest to cut down on expenses, are cutting back on film/cameras (-31.5%), magazines (-17.1%), bottled water (-11%), and buckets/bins/bath items (-13%). Products that are rising are canned goods (+11.5%), veggies/dry grains (5.5%), wine/liquor (10.7%), and condoms (1.5%).

Fellow “cocooners” Abner and Mindy Greensteen have also reverted to staying at home, not using light bulbs, planting an organic garden, and debating the merits of parenthood. “We can’t bring another future despoiler into this world,” states Abner, a suspected one-time eco-terrorist, “and in our eco-therapy sessions, I’ve expressed my concerns over having a wasteful, gluttonous child.”

According to new research, nearly one-fifth of American 4-year-olds are obese, and children of color are at higher risk. Obese children are at risk for early onset of diabetes, fatty liver and musculoskeletal problems. Researchers calculated the body mass index from a sample of 8,550 Hispanic, black, white, Asian and Native American 4-year-olds. The children were born in 2001, and in 2005, their height and weight were measured -- 18.4 percent of them were obese.

"It's a very bad sign if we see obesity at a young age," states Pediatrician Dr. Dave Meatwreath, "When we see children obese at age 4, we're likely to see complications -- high blood pressure, abnormal lipids -- which can lead to heart disease and stroke, diabetes in children. The heavier you are as a child,” continues Meatwreath, “the likelier that extra weight will follow you through life. That's why we see adolescents who need weight-loss surgery, because they have life-threatening complications from obesity."

“You know how much the medical costs would be to take care of a fat kid for 18 years?” muses Adrian Parcheezie, “ I mean, losing weight is tough when you're on a tight budget. We need to ride out this recession the best we can. Rubbers are key to making that happen.  Cheap foods are packed with calories and low on nutrition. We still like our organic goods, wine, etc..” continues Adrian, “a fat kid would kill our bottom line.”

Apparently, with the sales of booze and condoms on the rise, there are many other Americans out there that are drinking and fornicating their depression-recession away, but are still fiscally aware of the repercussions of rotund off-spring.

(MP) - Dirty Sock, infamous for its supporting role in the 1990 Tom Robbins novel, Skinny Legs And All, has finally been reunited with it’s long lost partner, Other Dirty Sock.

The twenty-year search was not without adventure or companionship.  Dirty Sock spent the better part of the 1990’s with Random Baby Shoe, and most of the early 2000’s with Suspect Man Sandal.

“The years with Random Baby Shoe were the most satisfying for me. They began when a homeless woman peeled me off the sidewalk outside of Scores, in Manhattan.  She threw me in her shopping cart with her bottles and cans, and sang Cat Stevens songs while crossing the Queensboro Bridge.  I fell out of the wagon when she hit a bump outside Silver Cup Studios, and ended up beside Random Baby Shoe on an abandoned lot.  For a time, I had a purpose.  It wasn’t until the super-sexy condos started arriving in the late 1990’s that I ended up in a dumpster during the groundbreaking process,” explained Dirty Sock. 

When questioned about the days with Suspect Man Sandal, (otherwise known as the inside-out years) Sock said: “They were too long and sordid to get into right now…just know that I was embarrassed.”

Sock told us that the best way to survive out there is to roll with it and pray…even when times get tough.  

“It was lonely out there.  Laying on sidewalks, or near campfires next to pornographic magazines on your back, and not remembering how you got there is pretty scary; especially when you find yourself in a neighborhood filled with ADHD children.  They can be the worst…they will run up to you and just jump up in there and stomp on you for no other reason than to show off to their friends. 

"The chain of events that would lead to the Hollywood ending began when singer songwriter, and environmental activist, Paula Vendaben entered her building on Suffolk Street in Manhattan, last Thursday.  After a meal at Angelica’s Kitchen with boyfriend and abstract painter, Serge Lubavitch, Paula discovered, Dirty Sock in her vestibule and angrily threw it into the trash.

 From a trash bag… to a garbage truck... to a dog’s mouth, and then into a car headed for a weekend at the Jersey Shore, Sock went on a wild ride that would bring it to the serendipitous moment it had been waiting for: the reunion with Other Dirty Sock.

As the Debenedetto’s and their family dog Rocky arrived at the Sea Bright Beach, the discovery of Sock was made.  Mrs. Debenedetto, or Nicole, as her husband Anthony knows her, was rousing from a nap when she turned to Rocky who so proudly dangled Sock from his jowls.  Disgusted, Nicole ripped Sock from Rocky’s mouth and tossed it out the window.  Guided by Nicole’s inspiring vocals, “oh my god …eeeewww…  grooossss,” the glare off Anthony’s sunglasses, and a strong gust of Jersey wind, Sock took flight boardwalk bound.  With the sun at its back and the salty air surrounding it, Sock began a descent like no other. As far as Sock was concerned this landing was for good.  Hovering over Other Dirty Sock, the wind halted at just the right time, and like a feather, Sock floated to the boardwalk to its final resting place… beside, Other Dirty Sock.

With too many parties to thank for the happy ending, Dirty Sock decided to allow nature to take its course, and smile contentedly next to Other Dirty Sock in silence for the rest of its days.

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president.  That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

 “We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. 

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

The Catskills isn’t the first place that comes to mind when discussing Wall Street, but this weekend there was a new wave of Wanna-be-Wall-Streeters camping, hiking, and sharing stories on how to break into the business.

Deep in the Forest, among the century timber and clean air, the hot topic among a select few was: how to do we do it all over again?  What’s in it for us?  How do we capitalize on the tough times of others? The answers for these folks lie within the Head Counselors and Co-Founders of Camp Kodiak, (a new empowerment camp for nefarious types wishing to learn new tricks of the trade in an increasingly regulated market), Jake Binder and Jack McGregor.

Jake Binder, former CEO of Silverback Securities, and Jack McGregor, former CFO of Cloud 9 Consulting have teamed up at the helm of Camp Kodiak in order to pass on their knowledge of creating value out of nothing, and winning no matter what. Two individuals with strong track records when it comes to making money off of seamlessly useless products and companies, Binder and McGregor are convinced that this Bear Camp will be a success in the years to come.

“Most Bears have done their best to stay out of the spotlight or deny hunting the poor and defenseless, but Jack and I say the hell with it…I mean we’re 65…we’ve raised our families, slept with tons of prostitutes, and managed to have memberships at some of the most prestigious country clubs in the United States,” explained Mr. Binder.  “Shouldn’t some younger kids have the same chance to live the good life as we know it?  I think they should.”

Some courses being taught in the weekend warrior session at Camp Kodiak will be: Short-Selling with the Best of Them, Lying: The New Honesty, and Feeding Time: When to go in For the Kill. Sharing in the mentoring of their students, Binder and McGregor feel these beginner courses will give the youth a true taste for blood which will keep them coming back for more year after year.

“Jake’s background in the bottom line and my background in the big picture will definitely help these youngsters get a good foot-hold in the business,” said McGregor.  “You’ve got to be selfish.  It’s the only way.”

It’s hard to argue with two men who have lead such industrious lives.  They have helped keep many prostitutes and strip clubs in business for years, they’ve kept minorities of race and religion out of their clubs and offices, and they’ve made tons of money and spent most of it overseas.  They’ve done it all.

The success of Camp Kodiak lies in just how insatiable the appetite for making a quick buck is to the next generation of Wall-Streeters.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

For more information on Camp Kodiak, you must first speak with the guy who knows a guy that knows another guy ... in the know.  After that, you’re pretty much good to go.