Shocking Deleted "Survivor" Challenge Exposed

Posted on Monday, March 29, 2010

MP - A recently released photo on the internet has revealed a shocking contest that occurred at some point during the principle photography of the first season of the hit show "Survivor-Borneo".

We all know how the series premiere began when sixteen people were split into two tribes, Pagong and Tagi. Twice every three days, the tribes meet for challenges. Some challenges are physical and some are mental, many are both. But what wasn't known until just recently was that there were actually eighteen contestants.

Julie Craver and Todd Shwimmer have recently been exposed as the two contestants that didn't make the pilot, after winning the "Uber-Shlonger Long-Shore" challenge. The challenge, and the contestants, never made the final cut due to both the obscurity of the yet-to-be-explained nature of the challenge, as well as contestants' unusual celebratory manner. Both contestants were not available for comments, and CBS executives would not comment on the validity of the leaked photograph.

However, Eugene Pembertin, editor for Manic Press has stated, "We are determined to uncover just what the hell was going on before this picture...and good golly, what became of Miss Craver after it."

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Sharpton out duels Jesse by calling for Jackson knighthood, sainthood…country renamed U.S.J.

Posted on Monday, July 6, 2009

LOS ANGELES-- Reverend Al Sharpton has secured the top spot, knocking Reverend Jesse Jackson out of the running for the “who’s the blackest activist in the world by embracing causes in order to promote themselves” competition. Held usually about once a year, in the midst of some singular cause that may or may not be construed as a situation of racism, these two juggernauts crept out of hiding from whatever they do on a daily basis, and came out swinging. This year’s competition - who will preside over the funeral of Michael Jackson.

The contest kicked off with the King of Pop's sudden death last Thursday as The Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both known to wind up smack-dab in the middle of every media crisis, but never really work together towards a unified voice, converged on Michael Jackson's family acting as semi-official spokesmen and advisers.

“It’s been exciting,” explains Cornelius Fable, head of the National Alliance for the Advancement of Crooked Politicians, a committee that tracks public figures as they inject themselves into the media to keep relevant, “they didn’t have a lot of time to make this happen, so they’ve been working fast. I thought Sharpton took it with the postage stamp, but once he suggested to rename the country after Michael, I knew he had won by a landslide.”

The feats of prominence began with Jesse Jackson’s announcement that the Jackson family wanted a second autopsy for Michael, citing Michael's death as "abnormal.”

“He came out swinging,” continues Fable, “Dropping the conspiracy theory that early was bold, but he has a lot to lose so I understand his strategy. He’s delivered rites for prominent black figures ranging from Miles Davis to the slain family of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson. But Sharpton got the 2006 James Brown memorial. That was big. They both got the Coretta Scott King funeral by default, cause you can’t really compete with Reverend King.”

Sharpton then held his press conference alongside Michael's father, Joe Jackson detailing his plan to lead a full-day memorial at Harlem's Apollo Theater on Tuesday. But with Joe believed to have been written out of the will, and Michael's mother, Katherine — who was closer to the star and is regarded as the heart of the family — leaving the scene just as Sharpton was arriving, many believe that Sharpton chose the wrong alliance.

“That’s when he started dropping H-bombs,” opines Fable, “Sharpton’s 'Little Boy' revealed that Jackson won Obama the White House, there should be a stamp, a national day of mourning, he should be knighted, and considered for sainthood - and then 'Fat Man hit.' The United States of Jackson? Stroke of brilliance. There was enough inundation of ass kissing there that he just pulled away. It just ceased to be a contest.”

Sharpton is now believed to have emerged as the family’s “black activist who doesn’t really work, but somehow is rich, and turns every situation into one of racism” choice to help define Jackson's legacy, which would be of great import to black Americans in particular. With James Brown, and now Michael Jackson under his belt, Sharpton just may be in the over-all lead. Surprisingly, no comments from either camps have been made at this time.

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Josh Groban and Michael Buble in Cleveland Street Battle

Posted on Wednesday, May 6, 2009

(MP) – After a long night of crooning in Cleveland, singer Josh Groban was looking forward to saying his prayers and turning off the lights at the Courtyard Marriot next to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame where he’d been staying for the last three nights.  But what he didn’t realize was that Michael Buble had something else in store for him: a street fight sing-off.

Buble and Groban are well known for exciting senior citizen women in ways their husbands can’t, or are no longer interested in.  Their crooning voices take them back to the days of poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and milkshakes-a simpler time where they listened to the likes of Frankie Valley, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and sometimes Bobby Vinton.  Although these men have cornered the over 65 female market in music, they aren’t so comfortable sharing the throne.

Michael Buble is well known for his rat pack martini drinking style that makes him irresistible to the Cadillac driving Boca Raton Grandmothers that swoon over him in the club house, or in private while driving around in the refrigerated land ships they call cars.

Josh Groban strikes a chord with the God Fearing women of the heartland and beyond whom although obviously sexually aroused by his Kenny G-esque looks and overpowering falsetto, stand firmly in denial to that accusation and claim only to appreciate his God given gift: his voice.

With Groban and Buble both in Cleveland singing their hearts out for their fan base, Buble thought it was high time he settle the score.

Michael Buble waited outside the stage door at the Cleveland Arena holding only his microphone and a Grey Goose martini-extra dirty.  When Groban stepped out and began signing autographs to the barrage of overweight women sporting stretch pants and over-sized Disney character t-shirts, Buble plugged in his amp and began to sing.  The mist came rolling off Lake Erie as Buble stepped out of the shadows.  His voice: electric.  The women: silenced.  Groban: enraged.  Josh ran his fingers through his hair and tried to recall the advice Ted Haggard had given him when he feels his inner monster being awakened: breathe and dream of penis.  So he did just that.  The women started to rise from their shock and began bouncing gently to the beat of Buble. Ever more engaged by the moment, the movements of their gargantuan breasts under their Disney tees breathed new life into the likes of Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and Yosemite Sam.  As Groban looked on breathing and dreaming his special dream, he decided that even though he was sans amplifier, he would meet his aggressor with his sword of choice: his song.

Michael Buble and Josh Groban sang deep into the Cleveland night.  Reminiscent of the showdowns in 8 mile, these two crooners gave their fans a night to remember.  They traded off with such powerhouse hits as The Little Drummer Boy, and Can You Hear What I Hear.  From there they moved into more edgy material like, Grobans rendition of Hold My Hand from Hootie and the Blowfish, and Buble responded with Maria from West Side Story.  They truly ran the gamut until the sun came up over the Great Lake, and all the ladies ran full speed in unison to the Shoney’s buffet  breakfast in the warehouse district. It was then that Buble slipped back into the shadows from which he came, and Groban stepped into his bulletproof hybrid SUV, popping in his favorite Jonas brothers CD, It’s About Time, as he drove swiftly to his bed and bible. 

Neither artist was available for comment.  But with their touring schedules mirroring each other we can only wonder if this feud is for real, or just a carefully orchestrated publicity stunt.  Either way the fans are getting their fill.

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Celebrity “Spit Party” Cracks Zach Efron Affair

Posted on Thursday, April 23, 2009

(MP) - 23andme.com, the Google-backed personal genomics start-up, attracted world-wide media attention for itself this past January with its celebrity "spit party": at which notables ejected saliva samples into test tubes before cutting loose with a barrage of booze and gourmet delicacies. The event, hosted by media moguls Barry Diller, Rupert Murdoch, and Harvey Weinstein, was part of a publicity push by 23andMe through its celebrity marketing strategy. 

23andMe offers to analyze your DNA if you send them some spit and a wad of cash. They offer information about your risk of specific serious conditions, tests for "hair loss" or "addiction," optimum foods for your genetic profile, and will scan your entire genome for variants that supposedly predispose you to a range of conditions, from Alzheimer's to arthritis to athletic performance. A Hollywood insider revealed that the “spit party” was very appealing to many of the stars that attended; however, the company is back in the spotlight, and the hot seat, after results from one their test tube subjects was leaked onto the internet. 

The unverified report that was leaked was that the DNA test tube spit-sample of party girl/celebutante London Marriot, from the hit reality show So Rich, revealed traces of two different DNA structure sequences. After further investigation, it was found that one of the strand structures was an identical match to Hollywood heartthrob Zach Efron. Neither could be reached for comment, but eyewitnesses stated that Efron did in fact attend the event without girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens, and was seen with Marriot before entering the party.

The witness, who wishes to remain nameless, stated, “all of a sudden they both appeared, and there were all these cameras around, and they had no where to go. They were both handed their test tubes, and it seemed that London’s sample seemed a lot more…viscous than any others that I had seen.”

Hollywood paparazzi have been beside themselves due to the lack of response from all parties involved. Speculation and rumors are arising concerning the viscosity of the sample. Marriot has been no stranger to the dehydrated dry mouth that binge drinking provides, but witness’ description of the thick, but watery, sample could belie that common place theory. Until further details are revealed, all we can say to celebrities that attend these parties in the future is to be careful where you spit.

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New US interrogation Methods: TV Sitcoms, Twitter and Youtube?

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television.  The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are.  But it is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.

In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, and Guantanamo, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.

“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”

Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about. 

CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process.  There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.

“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong.  It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad.  “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”

It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.

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First Michael Vick, Now...Dead Mr. Ed

Posted on Thursday, April 16, 2009

If you're a famous NFL quarterback that happens to fight dogs to their death for a little extra cash so that you may indulge in the finer things in life like bottles of Cristal, expensive jewelry, mansions, and sports cars, you’re name might be, Michael Vick- And you will be getting out of prison soon.  Fortunately for the celebrity- swallowing American public, you will definitely be starring in a reality TV series about your new found freedom in a post canine-murdering-world.

Mr. Vick has been lucky enough to be rewarded for his actions of dutiful citizenry by receiving a $600,000 payday from an undisclosed network.  The NFL superstar turned torturer, turned broke-individual, will be gracing the small screen on his journey toward redemption.  The show is scheduled to begin filming upon his release from prison on July 20th. 

Due to Vick’s success in the reality TV market, there are plenty of other undeserving beings out there vying for the attention of Network Executives.  But the one we’re rooting for is: the dead body of Mr. Ed.  Yes, that’s correct.  Mr. Ed the beloved television horse who wooed audiences in the 50’s TV sitcom that bore his name is back, but in spirit alone…so far.

The Estate of Mr. Ed would like to exhume the body of the horse for a new reality series entitled ‘Dead Mr. Ed’.  The program would consist of Mr. Ed’s whisperer moving his bones and decaying flesh to various rodeos throughout the Southwest in an effort to further monetize the fame of the fallen beast.

“We feel that it will be an important part of TV’s weekly line-up,” said Sandy Bantracter, CEO of Bantracter Management of West Hollywood CA, and Executor of the Estate of Mr. Ed.  “There is no better way to teach today’s children how much joy dead animals can bring us without bringing America’s most famous dead animal to them.”

Mr. Bantracter is hoping that ‘Dead Mr. Ed’ will be a win fall for his company, Cash For Your Dead, LLC, and hopefully put him in the
Reality TV Hall of Fame.  With his firm belief in the revival of deceased creature stars, Mr. Bantracter has been seizing the rights to many dead animals, and even dead humans of Hollywood’s past. He is currently in discussions with the Estates of Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Don Knotts.

“I’m going through the proper channels. I’m not going out and robbing graves.  I’m requesting permission from all living relatives,” stated Bantracter. “  It has been quite easy to convince them considering that most of their living kin are suffering from drug addictions, and crippling sense of self-loathing due to their shortcomings that they are practically giving away their dead relatives. “

Mr. Bantracter is currently courting many heavy hitters at hotel bars all over town.  He hopes that Cash For Your Dead, LLC will be a business he can pass on to his children.  This Delaware incorporated business may be the first of its kind, but we doubt it will be the last. 

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Poopless Bo Obama Angers Hipster

Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Save Our Souls, the Brooklyn based Watchdog group, has launched a new division this week, The Divison of Unnecessary Broadcast Television, also known by its suspect acronym, DOUBT. The division will be headed by former YO Network Executive, Ted Sledge, who is known to have an eye for unworthy broadcasting due to his 10 years of experience producing it, and jamming it down the throats of the American people… unnecessarily.

DOUBT, a non-profit organization that is being backed by trust fund artist and occasional didgeridoo player, Graham Loveland of Bushwick, New York, will be a force to be reckoned in the new media.  Loveland has a background in idol time, which rivals that of most Prisoners of War.  He is said to spend mostly every waking hour watching the news while smoking marijuana and refusing to eat take out burritos his girlfriend brings to him.  His experience in complaining may also help, but he is banking on his years on the debate team in high school to propel him to the top.

“I’m over it.  If I have to watch Bo Obama attempting to take a dump on the White House lawn for a solid 26 minutes, I think I’m going to take my own life,” said an impassioned Loveland. “I mean I want to know what in the hell is going on in the world, but cheerleading with the CNN anchors that the stool of a Portuguese Water Dog is excreted from its canine sphincter is where I draw the line.”


Apparently Loveland was not bothered by the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, or the Gossip Girls Rolling Stones Magazine cover, which he proudly displayed on his $750 coffee table made from recycled lumber.  Graham is a fickle audience, but he is an audience, and an audience with money nonetheless.

“There will come a time when the world will watch stuff that matters on the TV, and on the Internet.  That time is not so far away,” said Graham.

Ted Sledge will be lobbying in Washington for DOUBT effective immediately. His first order of business will be to try and divert the attention away from Bo’s shit, and get to the bottom of the Economic shit that is concerning most.

“I’m ready to do what I have to.  I’m ready to do my job.  I’m no stranger to culture- poisoning programming.  After all, I was the brains behind, ‘Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Filthy Rich’, and ‘Fuck OFF: I’m Hot and You’re Not,” stated Sledge. “I can play with the decision makers in D.C.  I’m ready to go.”

Loveland will be waiting by his television in tight jeans and a half-shirt sporting an irreverent phrase or an 80’s punk band album cover.  He hopes to change the world.  He hopes that sitting on his couch sadly, and paying someone else to do his bidding will bring him satisfaction and contentment.  At commercial breaks, he will softly play his didgeridoo.

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Val Kilmer Should Play "The Flash"!

Posted on Tuesday, April 14, 2009

(MP) - In the mass media wake of Seth Rogen’s incredible weight loss for the filming of the upcoming Green Hornet movie, we here at the Manic Press Corp feel that Hollywood should reach out to other over-weight actors, and give them the motivation to get in shape too. With Marvel and DC unloading their vast catalogue of super-heroes (Spiderman/Batman/Superman franchises, The Watchmen, X-men, and the forthcoming Green Lantern project), what better hero for Hollywood’s horizontally challenged to get them on the tread mill than the fastest man alive – The Flash!

With David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers/Fred Claus) directing, the film is in pre-production, and slated for a possible 2010 release. So who best to shed a few pounds, kick that drug and alcohol problem, and don the tight red suit? Horatio Sanz? Artie Lang? Kevin James? Jack Black? All would be fine choices to slim down for an action movie filmed by a director of comedy. But what this potential franchise might need is someone whose career won’t end if they lost some weight, and that new comer to the “fatty or franchise” race is none other than - Val Kilmer!

You remember Val? Tall and skinny as Jim Morrison, tall and skinny as Doc Holiday... hell, even tall and skinny as Batman. Now tall and bloated, he has been passing his time as the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. Just imagine the possibilities of his weight loss if he were hired to run really fast, Hollywood. Think of all the late-night couches that he would be on, answering that same question over and over again – “It’s always a pleasure to have you on, and we haven’t seen you in awhile - You look great! How did you lose the weight?” And the same answer would keep getting a laugh, night after night, because of the simple truth of it – “Well (insert favorite talk show host here), I ran a lot.” Cue laughter and applause, cue over-exposure, cue cynical news stories like this one; but in the wake of these stories about overcoming physical limitations, cue mass celebrity weight loss and rejuvenation of floundering careers. The publicity could be tremendous for Kilmer’s turn around alone. 

Now, what we’re asking for is to give everyone a shot at a franchise hero, no matter what they look like. The obvious choice may be Ryan Reynolds, or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris, to play Barry Allen and his alter-ego The Flash; but let’s all start thinking outside the box. What if Artie Lang were to play the Green Lantern? He could trade in his syringe for a power ring, and stop inter-galactic war. Kevin James could lay off the pints for awhile, hit the gym, and fight Nazis as US super-soldier Captain America. First choice Valerie Bertinelli would have been a great experiment for Wonder Woman, but why not get Oprah to lose that weight again, and put a little color into the Amazon princess. Unconventional casting is becoming hot in Hollywood, so why not extend that to people who you would never think in a million years could pull off a super hero? Just look how well it worked for Seth Rogen; who just may become a big action hero, and just may be getting laid a lot more on a daily basis in La La Land.

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Priest Texts Nude Photos While Voting For American Idol

Posted on Wednesday, April 8, 2009

(MP) - Father John Paul Hanselswift pushed send on his blackberry storm for the last time from the pulpit of St. Agnes Parish, in Bonsonville, Missouri.  The “accident”, (as it is being referred to by the Arch Diocese of Bonsonville), will be sure to send after-shocks through the parish for years to come.

The 8:00 pm mass on Tuesday nights is usually pretty quiet-reserved mostly for widows, and quiet, well-dressed creepy men in their forties who are forced to come by the women they live with: their mothers.  However, this Tuesday happened to be the anniversary of the death of local football hero, Ted Downing. Even though Downing passed away 17 years ago under bizarre and questionable circumstances on the St. Agnes swing set with an under-age girl, he was revered as a great role model and pillar of the community.  That being said, the Ted Downing Memorial Mass was always quite full.

Standing in front of his parishioners never made Father John nervous. He was always comfortable.  So comfortable that he felt succumbing to, “Idol Fever”, and texting in his vote for his favorite American Idol contestant, Adam Lambert, during his sermon, would be no problem at all.  Hanselswift knew Lambert would need his help because while following the internet feed on mute, he saw that host, Ryan Seacrest, was unable to keep the show moving along, and went 8 minutes over.  Lambert, the crowd favorite, was slotted with the “pimp slot” (the shows closer), and sang his heart out with his Tears for Fears cover, Mad World, to a studio audience only.  The rest of the channel 5 audience was already being introduced to a word from the sponsors , by the time Lambert took the stage.  As Hanselswift said “Amen” he pushed “send” hoping to fill his vote with that of the Holy Spirit.  What Father John Paul didn’t realize was that in his excitement he had only prayed 1-800-IDOL, and hadn’t typed in the numbers.  He had merely sent a naked photograph of himself in leather with a ball-gag in his mouth to his entire congregation, using the “send to all” option.

“There were a lot of folks there.  A lot of folks found themselves quite upset by it.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  It was pretty upsetting", said Amel Lukaewicz, parish elder.  “People used to keep their phones off at church but with the 'Idol Fever' going on out there... well…Father John wasn’t the only one trying to send his vote in.”

Being close to your parish comes with the territory of being a good priest.  Father John had the cell phone numbers of mostly everyone that had ever been on a church committee, followed him on twitter, or sent him an email.  He liked being connected to everyone, and being able to reach out in a moments notice, even when he was spending time with friends in Ibiza. He had probably only fantasized about alter boys getting a good look at his genitals, and never imagined it could actually happen.

Father John was unavailable for comment, according to the Bonsonville Diocese.  The only statement released by the Diocese was the following: “We are very sorry that you had to see Father John in this way. We are in agreement that Father John is a sexual deviant, and he will be removed form the parish effective immediately.  We will be re-assigning him to serve the people of St. Jerome’s which is a full 20 minutes from Bonsonville.  He will only be able to reach you and your children through text messaging, the Internet, and if he’s feeling energetic, a long-distance bike ride on a sunny Saturday afternoon. We hope you can now rest knowing that we will be bringing in Father Philip, who himself, is being re-assigned for suspect behavior at a parish roller rink party in North Bergen.  Thank you for remaining good Catholics during this trying time.”

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Bush Explains Shrinkage in "Juicy"

Posted on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

(MP) – Sweat suits are quite popular attire for a jaunt to the suburban mall, or an expedition to the movies with the kids.  They can also feel real comfy-cozy when one decides to jog down to the neighborhood market for some morning brew and the Sunday Paper. That is where former President George W Bush found himself donning a Sunday sweat suit in his Houston neighborhood over the weekend.

Although he was ensconced in his Sunday comfy-cozy, “W” appeared a bit fey with the words “Juicy” plastered across his buttocks.

“I knew there must have been a reason why I felt so darn giddy.  I guess these juicy deals do that to you,” said Mr. Bush.

It seems that Bush was in a rush to read his horoscope on Sunday morning, and needed to get his paper, so he went rifling through a pile of clothes in the family laundry room, when he came across a matching set of sunflower yellow Juicy Couture sweatpants and sweatshirt.

“Laundry room is in the back of the house.  House faces west. There’s only one window. Ya can’t see much.  I could of sworn I was holding my Yale Bull Dogs tops and bottoms which I wear every weekend, but I guess Laura didn’t wash them, so I’m in these juicy deals … which aren’t half bad,” explained Mr. Bush.

As George W Bush paraded around the local market, followed closely by secret service, he gathered some fresh orange juice, the morning paper, and some Little Debbie's Smores snacks.  His Juicy morning didn’t seem to phase him in least.  We tried to get the attention of the secret service to inquire why it was they allowed George to leave the family compound dressed in Jenna’s former frat party favorite, but we only received stone faces ... below magic-shell-hair.

Finally George unlocked his scooter from outside the store, and before his first push of the leg that would bring him scampering home, he looked over to me and said, “only thing that sucks about these things is that they make my damn 'business' looks so darn small…must be the breeze.”

The breeze is always one explanation for a lot of things. But for Mr. Bush, sometimes a good horoscope is all it takes. Houston Chronicle horoscope for Cancer on March 30, 2009: don't be afraid to try new things.

Thanks "W" for embracing your spiritual path.

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