Mickey Rourke, who recently made a comeback of epic proportions in the Wrestler, has found himself wrestling new demons now that the Golden Gates of Hollywood are again open, and flush with opportunity.  “Sometimes all you’ve got are your dogs.  So I’d like to thank my dogs,” said Rourke during his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes.  Well it seems that Rourke’s dogs are his top priority, and may also lead to being his greatest downfall.

On the night of Saturday March 27th, Rourke and his companion Jaws (a Chihuahua), found themselves feverishly canvassing the Greater New York Area in search of a delicious doggy dessert: Frosty Paws.  This special snack can be just as addicting to dogs as Frozen Yogurt is to the fashionably health conscious downtown hipster-and the quest for it, can turn a sleepy Saturday night into a full-on melee.  That is exactly what happened to the former Pope of Greenwich Village in his old movie-making stomping grounds just three nights past.

“Everything was OK until he realized we were out of The Frosty Paws,” said Rupinder Swaminathan, proprietor of The Beasty Feast on Washington Street in Manhattan’s Far West Village.  “He just started walking around and moving his fingers through his hair… and pacing.  He was very upset.  I tell him, ‘no Frosty Paws today…tomorrow … Frosty Paws. Come back tomorrow.  We are closing.’  He just went crazy… just like that … crazy.  He started to empty out bags of dog food and screaming nonsense.” 

Mr. Swaminathan continued, "He was saying, 'I can’t live in your golden palace Tully…I can’t fuckin’ live here,' over and over again… he was repeating.  He said, 'I’ve been everywhere man don’t you get it? I’ve fuckin’ been everywhere.'  Then he looks over and sees my dog Sammy, and he turns around real slow, staring at my face and says, 'I know you’ve got some fuckin' Frosty Paws in here bro.'  Then he started to race towards me.  That is when I became frightened for my life."

It was only when Rourke accidentally stepped on the tale of Mr. Swaminathan’s cat, Pepper, a full-bodied Tabby, that he seemed to surface from his spell of rage.

Realizing that he had injured an innocent animal sent him reeling.  “Mickey began to weep almost instantly.  It was kind of touching to see his love for the helpless beast.  That is when I saw in him what everybody else sees in Mickey Rourke: a winner.”

Rourke stumbled out of the Beasty Feast weeping as he collapsed onto the sidewalk staring at Manhattan’s elite arriving in town cars for a night of debauchery in the meatpacking district.

“And there he was crying with the headlights in his eyes, and he was saying 'I fucked up…I fucked up.'  He grabs my hand and looks at me in the eyes… holding his little doggy, and he say’s  'I love you Brother… Brother I love you … I’m sorry, it’s just the fuckin’ Frosty Paws man,' and he got himself off the ground and walked away.  That was it,” explained Mr. Swaminathan.  “I do love him.  He’s not afraid to say he is sorry.  Mickey Rourke is a True American.”

Whether they are his demons, or the demons of his dogs, we hope that Mickey and Jaws finally found some Frosty Paws and settled down for the weekend.

 (MP) - Computer terminals around the world are on red alert in the wake of the discovery of China’s new “Ghostnet” malware. The network can not only search a computer, but see and hear the people using it.  However, Analysts in China are dismissing claims that nearly 1,300 computers in more than 100 countries have been attacked. "This is purely another political issue that the West is trying to exaggerate,", a Beijing-based strategy and military analyst, told China Daily, a state-run newspaper, “ what we do in our own borders is of our concern. Although the Dalai Lama must be discredited, the West can be assured that there is no espionage into their government, there is little to learn from them. However, Scott Baio…from him there is much to learn.

According to a Cambridge report, titled, "The Snooping Dragon: Social-Malware Surveillance of the Tibetan Movement," the discovery of GhostNet grew out of suspicions that the office of the Dalai Lama had been hacked. "GhostNet is capable of taking full control of infected computers, including searching and downloading specific files, and covertly operating attached devices, including microphones and web cameras," explain the report's authors, Shishir Nagaraja and Ross Anderson. “The Dalai Lama’s staff sent a foreign diplomat an e-mail invitation to meet the Tibetan spiritual leader, but before the Dalai Lama's people could follow up with a phone call, the diplomat's office was contacted by the Chinese government and warned not to go ahead with the meeting,"

The Cambridge report goes on to explain that, “Hackers gained access to computers in the Dalai Lama's office by tricking computer users into downloading attachments in e-mail which had been carefully engineered to appear safe. The attackers took the trouble to write e-mails that appeared to come from fellow Tibetans and indeed from co-workers. This was how they were so easily able to get to Mr. Baio,” the Chinese government has since confirmed, “he had responded to an e-mail from former girlfriend,  Erin Moran, in regard to a “Joanie Loves Chachi” re-make."

Song Xiaojun shows no discomfort when explaining China’s fascination, and constant surveillance, for the washed-up celebrity. “Need I tell you the list? Pamela Anderson, Beverly D'Angelo,Nicole Eggert, Erika Eleniak, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Svetlana Von Fleeden Fleiden Shlooden Shloden-Leibowitz, and of course, Liza Minnelli. China loves beautiful and trashy women," Xiaojun continues,  "but we are not a handsome race. Charles is not in Charge when it comes to his looks either. We have listened into his web streams, read his e-mails, followed his click through analytics. How he moves from Aveda.com, to Manicattack.com, and arrives at his own IMDB page gives us great insight into what makes him desirable. We have learned very much.”

When pressed to comment, Baio responded, "Of course I feel violated. But…my IMDB ranking has gone up 232% this past week.” And, as a direct address to the Chinese that are following him, Baio says, “No, I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but if you have an attitude like you don't care and you have something to back that up, like money or fame, it's a beautiful thing. It’s that simple.”

So, keep listening China, and the rest of the world may just start to tap into your system of information.

(MP) - "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." This is the Oregon Urology Institute’s radio spot that has been picked up all over the country. The March Madness vasectomy special is the brain child of Dr. Neil Baum: urologist, author (he's written five books), and amateur magician!

Dr. Baum offered up to 20 outpatient procedures to men in the days leading up to the big basketball tournament. The offer included a bag of frozen peas, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and a free pizza delivered to your house. “The motivation,” explains Braum, “ is that men can engage in the luxury of being able to have uninterrupted time to watch a national sporting event without having to take out the garbage or take the kids to music lessons. They'll have time to recuperate.” The special got so much publicity that hard-partying, trust-fund celebutard Brandon Mavis was spotted entering the institute.

Mavis, dressed out of season in his favorite Meat Shorts from the Weird Clothing Company (which he has been quoted to say are “f-ing carni-vicious man!”), has been in the news due to his latest sex-scandal. Mavis was arrested for publicly fornicating with a woman with a ScreamBody bag strapped to her face. The hot new alternative to video taping themselves, they would later squeeze it back in the privacy of his own hotel room, releasing the vocal elations, and masturbating on opposite sides of the room. “This is the fad for this irreverent generation. It’s healthy though,” explains Dr. Jesse Jamison, Mavis’ personal therapist, “there’s nothing wrong with sexual exploration. Brandon just needs to be careful.”

“I’ve been up in there, dropping knowledge and nut in chicks all over the world, “tells Mavis, “my dad told me that either I get married, with a pre-nup of course, or I make sure there’s no unforeseen seeds of mine, incubating in any oven somewhere. So, this deal sounded good. I can bag as many chicks as I want without any repercussions. Oh, and the peas thing sounded like a bonus.”

What Mavis is referring to are the benefits that are part of Dr. Baum’s special offer. “The magazine was something to keep them occupied and to enjoy during the recuperative period,” explains Braum, “and the peas are to prevent swelling after the procedure. The frozen bag of peas are placed on the genitals where it nicely conforms to the area where they had the procedure. Anything will work. It could be ice cubes in a Ziploc bag, but that can be cumbersome. Peas are anatomically adaptable.”

So what did Dr. Braum think of Mavis’ erratic decision to have the procedure performed? “It's the most effective method of contraception and the least expensive over the long run. Many men want to have the procedure done, but are scared. I wanted to try to entice men to have a vasectomy, make it convenient for them and motivate them to proceed. I think Brandon is becoming aware of his indiscretions, and growing into a responsible adult.” And what does Mavis think about this transformation into adulthood? “Yea, I guess, but I just love my hoops, man. Don't want to be bothered. Go Huskies!”

(MP) - Possibly the biggest tour of Michael Jackson’s life is going on currently, and even that is causing controversy. The tour is not a big budget, grand, highly technical, incredible show that will culminate for ten nights at the sold-out O2 Arena in London. The real tour is the worldwide publicity exhibition of treasures from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch; treasures Jackson is claiming were never approved to put on-sale.

Jackson filed a lawsuit in early March, claiming that he had never given permission for the sale of many "priceless and irreplaceable" items. Some of the items in question are his famous jewel-encrusted gloves, a black fedora, a couple of MTV Video Music Awards, and Emanuel Lewis. The auction house, Julien's Auctions, fired back in court papers, saying that “Jackson's representatives had been deeply and enthusiastically involved in the sale for many months, until a sudden reversal last month.” Jackson’s spokes-person responded, “there is absolutely no way that Michael would have signed off on Emanuel. He loves Emanuel. Perhaps they misunderstood and meant to take the house that Michael had built for him on Neverland Ranch.” The house in question is a miniature ten-bedroom mini-mansion that the diminutive Lewis occupied.

"To say [Jackson] hadn't intended for these items to be auctioned was disappointing," Julien told the Daily News. "I can't disclose where we're at [legally], but I know everything's definitely well documented from our end. In a sworn statement, Julien claims that one of Jackson's employees met with him at a local McDonald’s, and tried to strong-arm him into canceling the auction, warning him that he would be in danger "from [Louis] Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam" if he didn't comply. “They told us that Farrakhan would free Webster in one way or another.”

In court documents filed in response to Jackson's fraud lawsuit, Julien reiterates that the “singer's estate asked him to take the Neverland treasure trove off its hands and that all the items were toted away under the close supervision of Jacko's employees—who were also involved in writing press releases and approving the auction-catalog cover art. They even gave us the photo that showed Emanuel’s best side,” continued Julien, “a photograph they thought that he looked the cutest in – before he got fat and bloated.”

As the court battle continues, the tour of the exhibit reached New York City, and is on display at the Hard Rock Café. When unloaded, it was found that Emanuel Lewis had mysteriously disappeared from the contents of the valuables. “I don’t know what happened to him,” explains Vincent Carbonarra of Mobile Manic Safes, “little guy just vanished. Got me!” Enthusiastic buyer Roger De La Soul, owner of Water Bar, stated, "The auction was estimated to  make up to $20 million dollars; however, without Emanuel Lewis, the block's value has diminished considerably."

MP- In an effort to instill consumer confidence, the Obama administration has engaged in what one might say is a very unorthodox move: Executive Producing, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Since AIG became AIU, and lines at job fairs across the country have become increasingly longer, we can thank Bravo, Congress, and President Obama for getting behind such an enlightening program. “Not only is it a show about spoiled women with an inflated sense of self-entitlement, it’s also about their children, friends and husbands who share the same philosophy,” said Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut. Dodd has spent the past couple of weeks in the hot seat for his last minute insert into the stimulus package, which ensured AIG Executives their well earned bonuses.  He sees The Real Housewives of NJ as a great way to get the country back on track, and is happy Congress decided to invest American tax dollars into such a paramount piece of broadcasting. (The American people will only receive Associated Producer credits, and can begin adding their names to IMDB this Friday March 27, 2009).  "Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder of what you don't have to get you back on the horse again.  The American people are resilient, and nothing pisses them off more than seeing people who have better shit than they do," Dodd explained.

 “We hope that in this economic downturn, people will be glued to their television sets, mobile phones, and participating in live chats at Bravotv.com, regarding their envy for these 5 fabulous women from New Jersey,” explained President Obama. Clearly ecstatic with his move into media production, Obama continued: “Not only is this a good way for 5 women approaching middle age to show off their great tans and fantastic jewelry, it’s a way for the whole family to get together and agree to work harder in order to get a better house at the shore next summer”.

When asked how they felt about being chosen to be a part of such an important sociological experiment the women simply said, I Deserve It , in unison.  
I’m sure we’ll all be tuning in, and hopefully trying to keep up with the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  2009: a great year for investing in American Culture.

In a surprising turn of events, beloved Afghani Mystic, Sheik Fark Feik Mohammad, makes a stunning admission. Sheik Fark Feik confesses to being involved in a swap of his Casio Cassette Player, circa 1983, with Osma Bin Laden, and his collection of 8 Track tapes and Fisher Price, 8 Track Player, circa 1974. The community leader and long time Taliban associate made the following statement:  "My apologies go out to the Peace Keepers of the World, and especially the people of the United States, for not coming forth with this information earlier.  I am a changed man, and sadly enough I have Bin Laden and his collection of Classic Rock 8 Tracks to thank for it," explained the Sheik. 

The Sheik has been suffering from lung cancer, which he apparently contracted due to excessive marijuana abuse over the last decade.  "I was introduced to the musings of The Grateful Dead, Nils Lofgren, Peter Paul and Mary, Cream, and Richie Havens.  This music changed my life, and led to the exploration of hallucinogenic drugs, and the daily use of marijuana.  The drugs changed the relationships between me and all of my wives. The last years of my life were a re-birth, and I wouldn't change a thing.  My only regret is that I did not come forth with this information earlier, because sadly, I feel it could have led to Osama Bin Laden's capture.  I denounce my past hatred for the west, and travel now back to the earth from which I came."  An emotional Sheik Fark Feik went on to explain that Bin Laden was desperate to make this trade because he knew that technology was changing rapidly, and he would need better recording equipment in order to make contact with the outside world once he burrowed into his hide out, in  eastern Afghanistan's, Tora Bora Region.  Sheik Fark Feik told us that he wasn't interested in the music or Fisher Price 8 track player as much as he was in helping out Bin Laden.  However,  he did admit that he was a fan of The Antiques Road Show, so it did cross his mind that if they happened to come to Kabul, he might be able to cash in on the collection, and player due to their age. So he made the trade.  "It was only a matter of time before I put on Peter, Paul, and Mary's Greatest Hits," said the Sheik.  He expressed having extreme curiosity for the album because it seemed to be the hardest part of the collection for Bin Laden to let go. Apparently, Bin Laden wept as he began to sing the lyrics to, Old Stewball, and then ran off into the hills singing the lyrics of, Lemon Tree. "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat, lemon tree...he went on like this, you know.  And I could hear him well into the hills, so I had to see for myself."  The Sheik laughed to himself.  "And did I ever see", he said proudly.

The Sheik decided to come forth with his admission because of Bin Laden's most recent calls to jihad concerning Isreal's occupation of the Gaza Strip, and the newly appointed President of Somalia, Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed. Upon hearing this recording, Sheik Fark Feik recounts, "I was listening, Sleepy Time, by Cream and having sex with all of my wives.  I told you we all get along really well now-even though I am sick I can still please my women.  So there we were and here comes Bin Laden's voice over the internet.  Yes, I have internet now.  I know it's crazy.  I even spend a lot of my time on my Facebook.  It's a great way to keep up with old friends," said the Sheik.  "I heard him, and I couldn't let it go on any longer, so I've come clean", an impassioned Sheik Fark explained.  He concluded by wishing the world the best in finding him, and offering to be of assistance in any way possible, as long as he was promised some medical marijuana if the Obama administration ended up legalizing the drug. His dealer had apparently done quite well, and decided to move to Crete with his earnings.  Sheik Fark Feik worried that if he continued to go without his pot the music might leave him forever, and he didn't want to die with the music still in him.

After leaving Afghanistan, we continued to pull back the layers of this relationship between the two men. We were able to uncover a connection between Roger De la Soul,  and Al Qaida, for the funding of his latest social networking site, Pick on a Foreigner.  It is now believed that Sheik Fark Feik  made the introduction between Al Qaida operatives and De la Soul as recent as 2006. With this knowledge, we can only guess as to how genuine Sheik Fark Feik was in his confessions.  Was it the cleansing of his soul he was after, or just some sympathy, attention, and hopefully some weed for a sexually underperforming Sheik dying of cancer.  Who knows.  But hey, atleast we know Bin Laden digs our tunes.

(MP) – “Do you love watching nerds kiss? Can’t get enough of long goodbyes?” These questions are the basis of a new social networking site called Nerdykisses.longgoodbyes (http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7). Started by Eugene and Claudia Pembertin in 2008, their quest began as a labor of love via angel seed money through their WoW (World of Warcraft) community. “Our avatars, Trevenian and Persephone, reached out to the Alliance throughout Azeroth, and the Alliance responded,” Pembertin explains, “all of  our fellow night-elves contributed, much like a dowry to our union.”  Pembertin refers to the couple’s actual meeting after falling in love online as their WoW avatars. “We were so excited that we used to film our love for our friends to see all the time,” explains Claudia, “so much so people were actually hooked! Like Ever-crack!”

It does not take a whole lot to divert the attention of today’s Millennials (hell, even the majority of Gen Xers for that matter), but for every new start-up and new social networking sight, the bottom line will always be to monetize the content. In the business community, ROI (return on investment) is how much profit or cost saving is realized, and is sometimes used as a way to grade how well a company is managed. So when the Humans, Gnomes, and Dwarves of the Alliance came calling, the Pembertins had nothing to show them. “They banished us!” explains Eugene, ”these lesser races had the nerve to cast us out! I was desperate!” This desperation drove Eugene to go on a quest. That quest would lead him to the SXSW festival, that quest would lead him to his true desire, THAT quest would lead him to…Felicia Day.  

Felicia Day: actress, producer, writer, editor, serial tweeter, accomplished violinist! How could this siren’s song not hypnotize a helpless Eugene Pembertin? “I didn’t even realize he was gone, “notes Claudia, “one morning I awoke, turned to check if he had to use the bathroom, but he wasn’t there. I called everywhere. I looked everywhere for some information as to his whereabouts…and that’s when I found it.” This buried treasure that Claudia uncovered was a vast collection of photo-shopped pictures of Felicia Day and Eugene in strange WoW costumes, sexually explicit poses (with their heads on porn stars bodies), and crumbled tissues and stiff socks. “I knew then where he was. I can’t for the life of me figure out how he hid this, how he’s become obsessed…how he got his socks so stiff.”

Those answers were found on Eugene’s arrival home, defeated, later that week.  Eugene had gone to SXSW, followed Felicia Day from the shadows like a night-elf, and tried to approach her.  He was blocked by an irate “Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog” fanatic, who was trying to get Felicia to give him Doogie Howser’s (Neil Patrick Harris) number.  “And then…she was gone.” Explains Eugene, “I thought, at first, that if she would come on nerdykisses, and kiss me, and hug me, and ride on my back like a pony, that “The Alliance” would welcome Claudia and I back; but, I realized that my obsession ran a little deeper.”

Today, Eugene and Claudia are still together, trying to keep their website above water through our current recession. “I don’t know what our future will be,” explains Claudia, “we’re probably going to have to bring in others to kiss and hug on our site, and become more of a distributor of kissing content. We might have taken our show as far as it could go.” And what of Eugene’s indiscretion turned obsession? “Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, I try to gain her trust back every day...day…Felicia Day…sorry. As I was saying, it’s gonna be hard, but I need to rejoin “The Alliance” with my maiden at my side! This is certain.  If I can survive “corrupted blood” at Ironforge, then I can do anything. This is my ‘instance dungeon’, and I’m gonna mine it for all the treasures I can.”

http://tinyurl.com/dyukj7