Outraged Elephants Want Same Respect As Pigs

Posted on Tuesday, May 5, 2009

(MP) - With the hysteria over the H1N1 virus pandemic subsiding, a new uproar is occurring in regard to the recent change of nomenclature for the over-hyped contagion. In the past week, The World Health Organization (WHO), bowing to pressure from meat industry producers, concerned governments, and pigs throughout the U.S., said on Thursday it would no longer call the deadly virus strain “swine flu”, but would refer to it, henceforth, as influenza A (H1N1). This change has not only brought outrage from the avian community (whose name has been bastardized and forever linked with the H5N1 virus), but also a new group who wish to end the association of their community with the dreaded lymphatic filariasis disease – the elephants.

“We’re not in any way denigrating or minimalizing the severity of the disease,” explains Babar, the spokes-phant for the newly organized Elephants Are Really Steamed (EARS) coalition, “but we wish that the disease be called by it’s medical name, and stop the use of our species as a short hand from some carnival freak.”

Elephantiasis (filariasis disease), a disease that is characterized by the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals, is associated in the public mind with "The Elephant Man", the carnival stage name of Joseph Merrick. The name refers to the resemblance of the sufferer's limbs to the thick, baggy skin on the limbs and trunks of elephants.

“It’s not even in the same ball park as the pigs,” continued Babar, “they actually carry and pass their virus. Swine influenza - that’s right, I said it - is common in pigs, that’s why it’s called that. But now you have countries banning imports of pork from Mexico and the United States, so food industries and governments are calling for a name change to remove the link in people's minds between the disease and pigs – it’s just sickening! Who’s looking out for us? Who has our special interest at heart? Ivory lobbies? Yea right.”

No one in the government, WHO, or pork industries could be reached for comment, but it was discovered that Porky Pig had gathered, in a star-studded after-party, many supporters of the movement. In attendance were Babe, Wilbur, Piglet, the Three Little Pigs, and the biggest hog herself – Miss Piggy. Authorities, arriving on the scene after continual noise violations were issued, discovered a giant “boar-gie” in process. The party was then quickly broken up and all who attended went home.

“I’ve heard about the whole elephant thing, and I think there is a prejudice there,” opines Big Bird, a resident of Sesame Street and advocate of changing the avian flu appellation, “these pigs have these sick sex-parties, without protection, and they just spread their virus without impunity. They’ll have sex with anything, so eventually, that virus will cross species. But, if you have enough lobbyists and dirty politicians in your pocket, then you can do anything you want I guess.”

No pigs, hogs, boars, or swines could be reached for comment before this article went to press.

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New York Cracking Down on Walking Laws

Posted on Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mayor Mike Bloomberg has finally had enough with the slow walking individuals that parade through his city on a daily basis. So, he’s doing something about it.

“It’s totally acceptable to come to the greatest city in the world and take in the sites, do some shopping, or go to the theater and what have you.  But to violate certain unspoken rules when it comes to sidewalk etiquette is completely abhorrent,” said Mayor Bloomberg while being interviewed on the 6 train, en-route to city hall yesterday morning.

The Mayor feels that writing citations to individuals who show a blatant disregard for walking etiquette in Manhattan may just help keep our sidewalks a safe place for foot travel, and cut down on the self-contained hatred that most people feel for the slow walkers.

Walking Rage, a new disease coined by Dr. Daniel Rudinski of the Upper East Side, has been rearing its ugly head on many of our city’s busiest street corners. It is a quiet rage that burns within us, and can ruin our day, week, or even our faith in senior citizens, children and foreigners.  Due to the polite nature that is inherent in all humans, we hold our tongue.  The anger and frustration is then sent inward and can eat us alive, or send us to the offices of Dr. Rudinski at 711 East 84th street Apt. #5.

“If we had a horn, we’d honk it…but we don’t.  If we were driving a jalopy maybe we’d bump them, but we’re not.  If we were driving a really terrible jalopy with no horn, maybe we’d scream knowing that we were protected by a ton of steel, but yet again we’re not.  We’re walking,” said a smiling Rudinski.

“As far as stories go, Dr. Rudinski has heard them all.  “The corners that people hate, the stairways most stopped on for a shoe tie.  I’ve heard them all.  I know them all.  And I’m helping them all.”

You could say that Dr. Rudinski is to Walking Rage what Dr. Zizmor is to acne.  Two dynamic, dedicated individuals with a passion for self-promotion, and a calling they can’t deny.

“Dr. Daniel Rudinski has been paramount in bringing this issue to my attention,” said Mayor Bloomberg.  “At first, I thought it was just me.  I thought that I was over-reacting to being stuck behind someone with a cane when I’m in a rush, or having to fight my way past a caravan of Mommy’s with strollers on the upper west side.  We’ve all had our situations.  And as varied as they are, we all have one thing in common-we’re suffering.  I think it’s about time that these individuals pay.”

The Slow Walking Laws and fines will include:

1) Stopping on the subway stairs for a shoe tie-fine $35. Stopping on the sidewalk for a shoe tie without proceeding to the curb or nearest building-fine $25.
2) Slow and labored movements while gazing at tall buildings-fine $45.
3) Handholding couples moving at a Sunday pace on weekdays-fine $60.  Handholding couples giggling and skipping on weekends within close proximity to noticeably unhappy couples- fine $75. Handholding couples- fine $25.
4) The mid-sidewalk friend chat- fine $50.  
5) The long goodbye in front of the subway stairs- fine $60.  The long goodbye in front of the subway stairs during peak hours (7am-10am and 4pm-7pm Mon-Sun)- fine $100.
6) Moving slowly to watch your own reflection in a storefront window- fine $100.
7) Couples moving slowly to watch their own reflections in storefront windows- fine $200.
8) Complaining on your cell phone to a friend or relative, and moving from side to side making passing an impossibility- fine $100 and cell phone seizure.
9) Walking aggressively alone while wearing sunglasses, and pretending not to see others all the while forcing others to give up ground for you- fine $250.
10) Sashaying unnecessarily as if you are on a runway at any point in time - fine $75.

Bloomberg says this is just the beginning. Keep an eye out for more walking fines in the near future.  To get an up to date listing of walking laws and fines, you can dial 311 at any time.

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Twitter-Like Orgasms in 140 Seconds or Less

Posted on Monday, May 4, 2009

With youth tweeting on the rise in great numbers, we are seeing a societal shift that may never allow us to enjoy the quiet times of the past.  A noise-filled stream of information and self-promotion is in danger of changing our entire existence into a world of brevity.  It is happening as we speak, and some of you may find the results frightening.

Dr. Joyce Winthrop, of The De la Soul Institute of Future Sex, is seeing a world in which long courtships and tender romantic encounters will be replaced by a hard-charging universe of barnstorming orgasms that will occur in 140 seconds or less. 

“This won’t only be for males.  Women who are connected to the tweeting lifestyle will also experience orgasms within this time frame,” Winthrop explained with subdued confidence.  “Think of a world where you just get right to the heart of the matter, not only during intercourse, but during the courtship process as well.  You meet someone on a speed date one day, tweet them the next day to set up another date, then you have quick, fast and ultimately unsatisfying teenage-sex and part ways at the end of the evening.  At this rate you can test out multiple partners and have thousands of forlorn lovers pining away for your attention for years to come.  You can keep them at bay, and within your reach by a few tweets here and there.  It’s truly an efficient, shallow, yet exciting time to be alive.  It’s a vision of America and the world that native people have been yearning for…and it’s finally here.  I think it’s just great.”

Dr. Winthrop has been studying attention spans in sexual behavior, and the new definition of friends since the advent of friendster in the early 2002.  Suffering from Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and new-world nymphomania led the good Dr. to her fascination with sexual brevity and the word “friend”.

“What is most fascinating is the bastardization of the term friend.  I think we will be searching for a new word that better describes our off-line relationships quite soon.  Something along the lines of old friend, true friend, or good old buddy may be more apparent.  It will be wonderful to see this new type of language emerge.  And being a sex therapist that is also a nymphomaniac makes this all the more exciting.  I’m not sure why…maybe that’s just me tweeting out loud.”

Tweeting out loud is something Dr. Winthrop says will be inevitable with chronic twitterers.  It will appear to be some sort of turrets, but in actuality it will be certain humans vocalizing their tweets into microphones on blue tooth headsets while navigating their way through the sidewalks of New York, or braving the Los Angeles freeway traffic and beyond.  You will hear such remarks as, “I’m eating a ham sandwich”, as you pass by a man at a backstage deli eating a ham sandwich.  This announcement of action and assertion of existence will be ubiquitous in all aspects of life says Winthrop.

“You’ll hear it everywhere: screams from the car next to you or the person sitting next to you in the movies.  But what I’m most interested in is the tweeting in the bedroom.  It will not only allow us to get off quicker, so we don’t always have to Tivo our favorite show, but it will bring dirty talk back to the sheets where it belongs.

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Mommy Menthol: A Pillar of the Cigarette Community

Posted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Menthol cigarettes have destroyed the lives of many.  However, one New Jersey family owes their livelihood as well as their lung cancer to a very special brand: Manic Menthols.

Paul Menthol, known to his many friends as “Mr. Unfiltered”, loved to smoke his menthols so much that when he was laid off from his job as a Monmouth Beach Police Officer for perpetual tardiness, and drinking on the job, he approached Manic Menthol’s with an ingenious proposal.  Paul Welton, as he was known at the time, walked into the Manic Menthol factory on East Freehold Road, and asked if they were interested in a lifetime of advertisement-literally. 

“It was a wacky proposal, but one that made me ecstatic”, said Benjamin De la Soul, owner of Manic Menthol’s, and father of local entrepreneur, Roger De la Soul.  “Imagine someone who loved smoking so much that they were willing to change their last name just in order to have a lifetime supply.  It's quite beautiful, if you think about it. So, I jumped at the chance to pay Paul minimum wage for the rest of his life as long as he held true to his part of the bargain…and he did…and so did the entire Menthol family, including his daughter Jeanine.  We are so proud of them all.”

Paul and his wife Elise embraced the Menthol lifestyle until they both fell victim to lung cancer in 1998.  Paul passed on Thanksgiving Day, and Elise didn’t make it to see Christmas.  The family was quite close, and they shared their love for each other almost as much as their love for Menthol’s.

Jeanine Menthol has been smoking her family issue menthol’s since 1984.  She has never let her shallow breathing and chronic cough get in the way of her yogalates, or her search for the perfect rich Doctor. Spending most of her nights trolling the Seaside Boardwalk bars for a Staten Island Physician who might need some company, Jeanine Menthol, or “Mommy”, as she is known by those who love and admire her is a proud mother of two, and full time employee of Manic Menthol’s.  She is revered as a pillar of the cigarette community.

“It’s amazing to have someone like Jeanine on our team.  She continues to introduce more disenchanted teenagers to our product every day.  With her white trash appeal, and superficial values she is a hit with kids from broken homes, and adults who suffer from a crippling sense of self-loathing.  We love having her face as the face of Manic Menthol’s,” said Roger De La Soul.  “She’s the best.”

When we caught up with Jeanine outside the Mid Way Cheese Steak Stand on the boardwalk as she slurped down a greasy hero, she only had this to say as she wiped some cheese whiz from her chin,"Mommy needs a Menthol."I guess Mommy knows what Mommy wants.

We can’t wait to see what Mommy Menthol offers up to the global cigarette community next.

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New Swine Flu Symptoms Revealed: Beer Goggles and Walks of Shame

Posted on Monday, April 27, 2009

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”

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Naltrexone a “no-no” at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center

Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Medication is slowly creeping into mainstream addiction therapy, but don’t tell Katherine Hepburn that – she won’t hear of it. “I won’t hear of it,” she exclaims, “heaven to Betsy, that’s just no way to solve any of life’s problems!” However, scientific research at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse, says “alcoholism has reached a point similar to one depression reached 30 years ago -- when the development of Prozac and other antidepressants took mental health care out of the asylum and put it in homes and doctors' offices.” Dr. Mark Willenbring, who oversees the research believes, "There will be a Prozac moment when primary care doctors start handling functional alcoholics.”

So, just ARE the days of Betty Ford and Katherine Hepburn behind us? More and more studies are finding that Topiramate, or Topamax, already used to treat epilepsy and migraines -- reduces the number of days on which alcoholics drink heavily, by 25 percent more than alcoholics who got just therapy; and a federally funded study known as COMBINE compared cognitive-behavioral therapy alone with therapy along with Naltrexone. Patients receiving both were more likely to stay abstinent and drank less if they did relapse.

“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” explains Hollywood icon Hepburn, “abstinence is the only way.  An alcoholic animal who’s just drinking less is on the way to a good kick in the ass. We pull people up by their bootstraps at Katherine Hepburn’s Rehab Center; we don’t just give them some more pills to reduce their drinking. I believe that once you're an addicted little monkey, there is no such thing as 'OK' drinking.”

But Dr. Mark Willenbring feels differently, “Addiction is a brain disease, not just a failure of willpower. Naltrexone and Topiramate have slightly different mechanisms, but both seem to block the release of brain chemicals that are linked to pleasure and excitement. Unlike earlier drugs used to treat alcoholics, neither is addictive or carries significant side effects. It does appear that each might work better in certain subgroups -- topiramate for repeat relapsers, and naltrexone in people with a strong family history of alcoholism, but both have been quite effective.”

Despite studies showing effectiveness, established rehab programs, like Ms. Hepburn’s, have been slow to adopt the use of medication. Many still think the traditional model -- based on intensive therapy and the 12 steps popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous -- is still best. “ Sure, sure, tradition is good, I’m a traditional woman,” Hepburn explains,” but I take it to the next level. I take these dregs of society, and I boost their self-confidence with team work, creativity, and a good kick in the ass.”

Some of the reported techniques that Hepburn relies on have been random kicks in the ass, breaking kneecaps if drugs are found on the grounds, sodomy with bologna sticks, and forcing sexual intercourse as a means to healing.

“She cracked my kneecaps for relapsing,” explains Anthony Furtado, a recovering crack addict, “It hurt really bad. She wouldn’t let me have a single pain killer.”

“It’s tough love!” Hepburn continues, “But I love all my boys – Mick, Teddy, Philip – and that’s how recovery is! I take all their drugs in front of them to show them exactly what foolhardy animals they look like. Then I’ll kick them right in the ass, and they’ll say,’ well, hey Katie Hepburn, what did you do that for?’ and I say, ‘it’s to get you healthy!”

"It is a disease of the brain, but not just the brain,” explains Philip Reznor, long time addict whose been in and out of many treatment centers, “It has a spiritual part, and a behavioral part to. I think having the network of support and recovery is what really makes the difference."

John Schwarzlose, executive director of the Betty Ford Center, also takes a more stringent approach. No patients at Betty Ford receive anti-addiction drugs as part of treatment, although a handful of long-time addicts may be referred to a prescribing physician once their stay is over. "Hepburn’s Center is revolutionary for it’s un-conventional techniques, and that’s fine; but where we battle with [the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse] is when they say we have trials of a new drug, and then proclaim this is a treatment for alcoholism," says Schwarzlose. "They're smart people, but they're missing how complex this disease is."

But Katherine Hepburn won’t have any part in of the use of drugs to cancel out drugs. “It just doesn’t work. You go home, and lie to yourself, while sipping instead of gulping, and then you’re left with your hand, and your cock, and a bunch of nonsense! My treatments are tested and proven! Just look at that hunky animal that's Governor of California! But, It’s not for everyone. It’s for those that truly wish to get healthy. Sometimes tough love does that. Sometimes all it takes is a little bologna in the ass to get your head on straight.”

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Unemployed Ugly People “Tune-Up” For Recession Job Hunt

Posted on Friday, April 10, 2009

With the unemployment rate averaging 8% for the tri-state area, and the economy still not seeing it’s bottom yet - the job hunt is on. But, with so many urban professionals all vying for the same competitive jobs, people are beginning to rely on more than just their resume and experience. It’s no surprise that studies show that tall, good-looking people do better in life and in love, so the latest philosophy in the ugly community (and you know who you are) seems to be, “a nip – here, and a tuck – there, is going to give me an edge in this flooded market.”

Dr. Orville Hamish, who performs what he calls a "wide awake face-lift" using only local anesthesia, which slashes the recovery time as well as the cost by as much as $6,000, making it popular among heinous looking job seekers, stated, "Before the economy turned down, people would come in because they wanted to have more fun and enjoyment out of life. But now plastic surgery has become a necessity for some. Unfortunate looking people cannot only rely on their skills in this market. They want to look refreshed and youthful so they can compete for jobs."

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) released a recent survey showing that, “American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. About 3 percent said they already had a cosmetic procedure to increase their perceived value in the workplace, and 73 percent said they believed that appearance and youthful looks play a part in getting hired, a promotion, or getting new clients, particularly in these challenging economic times.”

"The surgery made sense for me,” explains Marion Capricella, aspiring fashion designer, single mother of two, and looks as if she fell from the ugly tree, hitting every branch with her face, “I look at least 10 to 15 years younger, my tits are tighter, and I have more confidence.”

Manhattan plastic surgeon Saul Rubenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a "Job Fighter Package" for hideous women AND men.

"Men and women in their 40's and 50's are competing with peers 10 to 15 years younger and employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified," Rubenberg said, "We've probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago, and a lot of patients view the surgery as an investment and are financing it with loans.”

Ted Evening, Realtor, had a recent “tune-up” and explained, “My handsome friends would tell me, ‘Ted, get a good haircut, good clothes, and smile. Dazzle them with your wit. With your education and work history, employers will look past your fucked-up face. I mean,” he continued, “I’ve been saving for a long time for one of those penis enlargement procedures; but being what the real estate market is, I know I'll soon have to interview," Ted recently spent $17,000 on his face-lift, and still hasn’t found a job, but that hasn’t discouraged him.

”Men don’t quit playing because they grow old, know what I mean? They grow old cause they quit playing. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that,” Evening explains, ”You get what I’m talking about? I’m a goddamn handsome man now! An Adonis! Put me in the same room with some kid. I’ll knock it out of the park, you know what I mean? I mean, who cares if I have a small penis, I’m gonna be working, baby!”

In addition to the perceived competitive advantage from a face-lift, some surgeons believe the recession is starting to cause more and more patients to get "work done" for an emotional lift in these dark times.

“If you’re really ugly AND unemployed, that’s a double whammy,” opines Dr. Jesse Jamison, certified psychiatrist, “that’s difficult for anyone to even stand the sight of themselves, alone standing in front of a mirror. I think if it boosts self-esteem then it’s great. I’ve seen a little “work” save relationships, spice up sex lives, and hopefully for these really disfigured few, give them some financial security and sense of entitlement that only the beautiful ever really possess.”

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Recession “Cocooners” Can’t Afford Fat Kids

Posted on Wednesday, April 8, 2009

 (MP) - Adrian and Judy Parcheezie don’t go out of their home much anymore. Once a staple in their lifestyle, they’ve now given up their outings to boutique restaurants, independent foreign films, weekend driving excursions, and the idea of parenthood.

“Times are tough,” explains Judy, “we’ve buckled down, eat home a lot, don’t see much of our friends anymore. We’re really utilizing and building up our Netflix queue, not drinking so much bottled water, and having much more sex.” After a synchronized giggle, Adrian then added, “yea, and with a rubber too! Can’t afford to have a fat kid these days.”

The Parcheezies aren’t the only ones in America that have adjusted to the new economy. The Nielson Co., a data-tracking firm, has issued a report “identifying product categories whose sales are rising – and falling – at drug stores, supermarkets, and big-box outlets” The report revealed that “cocooners”, a term retail analysts use to describe consumers who nest to cut down on expenses, are cutting back on film/cameras (-31.5%), magazines (-17.1%), bottled water (-11%), and buckets/bins/bath items (-13%). Products that are rising are canned goods (+11.5%), veggies/dry grains (5.5%), wine/liquor (10.7%), and condoms (1.5%).

Fellow “cocooners” Abner and Mindy Greensteen have also reverted to staying at home, not using light bulbs, planting an organic garden, and debating the merits of parenthood. “We can’t bring another future despoiler into this world,” states Abner, a suspected one-time eco-terrorist, “and in our eco-therapy sessions, I’ve expressed my concerns over having a wasteful, gluttonous child.”

According to new research, nearly one-fifth of American 4-year-olds are obese, and children of color are at higher risk. Obese children are at risk for early onset of diabetes, fatty liver and musculoskeletal problems. Researchers calculated the body mass index from a sample of 8,550 Hispanic, black, white, Asian and Native American 4-year-olds. The children were born in 2001, and in 2005, their height and weight were measured -- 18.4 percent of them were obese.

"It's a very bad sign if we see obesity at a young age," states Pediatrician Dr. Dave Meatwreath, "When we see children obese at age 4, we're likely to see complications -- high blood pressure, abnormal lipids -- which can lead to heart disease and stroke, diabetes in children. The heavier you are as a child,” continues Meatwreath, “the likelier that extra weight will follow you through life. That's why we see adolescents who need weight-loss surgery, because they have life-threatening complications from obesity."

“You know how much the medical costs would be to take care of a fat kid for 18 years?” muses Adrian Parcheezie, “ I mean, losing weight is tough when you're on a tight budget. We need to ride out this recession the best we can. Rubbers are key to making that happen.  Cheap foods are packed with calories and low on nutrition. We still like our organic goods, wine, etc..” continues Adrian, “a fat kid would kill our bottom line.”

Apparently, with the sales of booze and condoms on the rise, there are many other Americans out there that are drinking and fornicating their depression-recession away, but are still fiscally aware of the repercussions of rotund off-spring.

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