Just when you thought it was safe to go out in Red Bank, along came “The Perfect 10’s”.

"Being pretty isn’t easy.  Being pretty, smart, effective in the workplace, and a great girlfriend while maintaining a level of hotness that most people would call a “10” is nearly unheard of,” said Susan Teledonkiss, a 37 year old former Prom Queen and unofficial Cougar-in-Denial.  A self-proclaimed singer, songwriter, scientist, cat owner, and employee of the month at Barbizon Beauty School since they started the program in January, humility comes to Teledonkiss effortlessly.  “It takes dedication.  You might not make a lot of friends being a Perfect 10, but that's just what life is like when you're hot and...like really, really smart. You know what I mean?  I don’t get lonely though, because a lot of times I’d rather hang out with myself than someone less attractive, and not as smart.  But sometimes a girl needs to know that there are others out there like her, and it’s OK to be perfect. So, I decided to start a club where I could find Perfect Girls just like me.”

The candidate search for The Perfect 10’s Club brought Susan to Buena Sera, in Red Bank New Jersey.  Buena Sera is a much-heralded Italian Restaurant with red velvet chairs, plush leather barstools, dark mahogany tables, and elaborate chandeliers.  It prides itself on being super sexy.  The bar at Buena Sera is well known for its large collection of cougars, men with great hair, and an array of rich cologne and perfume that could rival a night on the town in Milan.

As I arrived at Buena Sera to meet Susan, I was greeted by a portly gentlemen with a thick nose, multicolored tight sweater, a great tan, and an air of superiority that one would expect to receive in such a super sexy environment.  When I asked where I might find Miss Teledonkiss he pointed upstairs to the bar area.

Susan was sitting at the corner of the bar wearing a tight, red, low-cut dress advertising the upper regions of her areola .  With her platinum blonde from-the-bottle look, and her steely blue eyes, she sat sipping a vodka cranberry.  She seemed to enjoy sharing her fairly-new silicone filled breasts with the bar crowd…so I joined her.

“I came in and sat down, ordered my drink, and he just gave it to me.  Didn’t ask for money or anything,” Susan giggled, referring to the bartender “it’s fun being me.”

As we sat at the bar, Susan scoped the area for potential cohorts of hotness.  Her stealth approach was reminiscent of a lone wolf quietly looking down upon a room of lesser beasts. The sipping and staring lasted quite some time.

“Not much going on here tonight.  Looks like I’m the hottest one in the room…again.”

As I looked around the room, there were plenty of smiling women with firm fitness club physiques enjoying their drinks, and laughing with friends.  Sure they were a bit older, but most likely former prom queens themselves.  So I decided to ask Susan why she thought these women were unworthy of joining in her quest for a Club of Aryan Smoke Stacks.

She began pointing out the imperfection in each of the individuals mingling in the bar area,” too fat…weird face…just eewww,” and so on. It looked like she wasn’t going to find any pals at Buena Sera, so I paid for my drink...Susan put on her coat, and I proceeded to walk her out.

“Excusme… excusme… SirI” I turned around to see that it was the bartender calling out to me.  “Yes”, I said. 
“The drink.  Aren’t you going to pay for it?
“I thought I did”
“No.  I meant the one for the lady”

I looked at Susan, and she immediately stormed over to the bar in a huff, and paid for her lone vodka cranberry. Turning from the bar she walked past me, brushed her hair off her shoulders and descended the staircase to the door.  I guess she was headed over to another Red Bank hot spot in search of free drinks and hot friends. 

When I caught up with Susan via email the following day, she apologized profusely in regards to her abrupt exit. "I don't usually do things like that. It's just like really, really hard sometimes when people give you mixed signals like that bartender. He only made me pay for that drink because you showed up. It's not your fault or anything :) Guys are just weird like that. So do you plan on doing a follow up story on "The Perfect 10's"?  I've taken my cause to the internet and am beginning to meet a lot of women who are just like me.  We're even looking into starting our own social networking site with the help of entrepreneur, Roger de la Soul.  Wish me luck :)."

We wish Susan the best in her cyber search for women who can't let go of their glory days. Hopefully she'll find all the validation she's ever needed to continue living her life as one of The Worlds "Perfect 10's".

(MP) - Everyone’s friendly neighborhood hero has been under the gun this week, in not one, but two reports out of Millard, Nebraska. The first called for a Spiderman comic book to be banned from the Norris Elementary School for it’s sexually explicit content. The comic is part of a popular new series about the loveable web-head, and Donna Helvering, head librarian of the Millard School District, said it's been in high demand.

“Each book that lands on Millard library shelves goes through a thorough selection process,” explains Helvering, “We look at books, as far as age-appropriateness, we look at books for readability and we make sure that we're buying books that are appropriate for all our kids,"

However, not everyone agrees. Physha Svendsen, a mother actively involved with her four children's educations, believes comic books like the one in question hold little literary value, and that the one her 6-year-old son brought home is not age-appropriate for students and wants it removed from the library.

"It has a lot of sexual undertones in here, as far as sexuality goes," she said. "They can learn this through any other place, but it's not something I allow them to learn, in my house at least."

Ironically, this has lead to the recent deluge of reports coming in to the Manic Press offices in regard to the recent arrest of husband to Physha - Bjorn Svendsen.  Apparently, the school district is required to form a committee, evaluate Physha’s complaint within 30 days, and reach a consensus about whether to keep the book on the shelves of that library. In the interim, Svendsen said she plans to hold on to the book that her son brought home while the review process takes place. That book seemed to have an unexpected effect on the couple, as reports came in from all over Millard, in regard to loud moaning and crashing noises coming from the Svendsen’s home.

I came back from getting’ some jerky, and I done got see Spiderman runnin’ with his dingus danglin’ in the wind!” explains an eye-witness who wished to remain nameless, “I mean, I’ve seen some sick shit on that there, internet, thing-a-ma-jiggy! Like this one video, where this super hero is wearin’ fuckin’ women’s underwear! Super Man Thong I think it’s called? Not for me. Must be some fuckin’ faggots that made that shit. Anyways, Spiderman comes runnin’ naked as the day he was born out that there house, and a woman wearin’ a red wig came runnin’ after him with her titties flappin’ all out there. They were nice titties, but her cooter was more like my sheep dog Rufus than that little clean dog on them Taco Bell commercials. All of a sudden, they just stopped, dropped, and fucked! I couldn’t believe it!”

The police officer who responded to the call, was too late to catch them in the act. It was reported that Physha quickly ran away. But authorities did manage to corner Bjorn, and were able to arrest him after a twenty-minute stand-off. “We were careful with him,” tells Officer Farhar, “we thought he was on something. When we finally were able to question him, turns out he just got all sex-crazed from some comic book that he and his wife were reading in bed. The worst kinds of calls for us are ALWAYS domestic ones.”

Manic News tried to reach Marvel, Inc for a response concerning their most popular hero, but a spokes-person for Avi Arad, CEO of Marvel Studios, said that they have no comment on just how “sexy” Spiderman truly is.

In the mean time, the Millard School District still has not decided the fate of the book in question.

MP- Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial beginning of summer vacation at the Jersey Shore, is just two months away.  We can almost always count on an action packed display of  tanned, toned, beautiful people from parts unknown (Staten Island) trying to make memories they can pass onto their kids, and discover romantic connections they can hold onto forever.

One such individual, Donnie Massengill, is doing something a little different this year to prepare for a successful summer at the Shore: calf implants.

In an increasingly competitive environment, Massengill feels that a new set of robust calves will give him the edge he needs to bring the ladies to their knees.

“I’ve been workin’ out all year.  Mostly upper body cause I like to watch myself when I’m getting’ my lift on,” explained Donnie. “But I haven’t been able to get my calves goin’.  I blame my Dad cause he’s got small calves.  Not that he’s not ripped though, cause he is.  He’s a great fuckin’ guy, and I’ll fight anyone right now who says he isn’t.  It’s just his calves…they’re small.”

Donnie told me that his purchase of a pair of sailor white Capri pants are what inspired him to get his calves in top form.

“I was at Express Men in the Monmouth Mall, and I saw these things.  I knew I had to have ‘em.  I mean I was gonna look so good in these! But when I put ‘em on…I saw...my calves looked like linguine.  I knew at that moment, I had to fuckin’ get implants.”

There is only one problem:  Donnie is short on cash.  In an effort to raise the capital, Massengill has been placing ads on Craigs List, and sleeping with his mothers friends from the beauty parlor for cash. "I don't mind bangin' old ladies.  They love that shit.  It makes 'em feel special to get it from a good lookin' guy like me; especially when they know it's for a good cause," said Donnie.

When we asked how fund raising was going in areas other than the beauty parlor fund, he had this to say: " I mean Craigs List has some stiff competition with all the little kids lookin' for livers and stuff like that, so I might look into offering my personal services online too."

Donnie scheduled an appointment with Dr. Moishe Rosenbaum of Marlboro to perform the surgery on April 17th.  “Ya gotta go with a Jewish Doctor for this kind of stuff.  They really know what they're doin'," Donnie said.  He does not seem concerned with raising the necessary capital in time.  "If worse comes to worse, I'll just make my Dad pay for it.  After all, how can he resist this face," stated a peculiar looking demure Donnie.  Massengill, a devout Catholic, purposely scheduled the procedure after the Easter holiday. " My Mom would whoop my ass if I missed Easter for my calves, ya know?”

We’ll be sure to keep our eyes out for Donnie at the Shore this summer.  He’ll be hard to miss with his bright orange tan, sailor white short-man-pants, and his brand new clean-shaven bulging calves.  Go Donnie.  This summer’s yours!

(MP) - There is an old saying that when your friend loses his job - we are in a recession; but when you lose your job, we’re in a depression.  “I never had a job to begin with, so who gives a shit, right?” exclaims Jeanine Menthol, who is currently the focus of the next season of Bride-asaurus on ManicTV. “You only live once, ya know? You can’t take it with yous?” Menthol, the newly engaged mother of two, was asked how the economic downturn will effect her, “I swears, this is gonna be, like, the best summer ever!  We’ll just go to the Xanadu!” 

No, not the Xanadu that is filled with muses, music, and magic. Not the Xanadu with electric light, smoke, and roller skates. Somewhere in the swamps of Jersey, a red, yellow, green, and aqua pleasure-dome is rising out of the weeds.  This summer, Xanadu, the largest (4,500,000 square feet) and most expensive ($2 billion), mall ever built in the U.S, and third largest in the world, will open it’s doors for business. Once plagued by financial malfeasance by the Mills Corporation (the SEC formally investigated the Mills Corporation for executive misconduct and accounting errors), the troubled developer sold their stake in Xanadu to private investment firm Colony Capital to finish the job. The monstrosity will house: 165,000 sq. ft. indoor skiing and snowboarding facility, an 18-screen movie theater; fashion retailers such as H&M, Guess and Zara; and Cabela's, an upmarket fishing, hunting, outdoor apparel and equipment outlet. Adrenalia, an extreme-sports store, is slated to have an indoor wave pool, and the mall includes a skydiving simulator. Xanadu will also offer rides on a 286-ft. Ferris wheel that is sponsored by Pepsi. Is this excess just obnoxious amidst this economic downturn?

Larry Siegel, president of Xanadu doesn’t think so, “It’s not like people aren’t looking to recreate. They are.”  However, with consumer spending dramatically reduced, and the American mall on life support, the International Council of Shopping Centers predicts that “73,000 stores will close their doors in the first half of 2009.” Retail expert Burt Flickinger III, managing director of Strategic Resources Group, projects that as many as “3,000 shopping centers nationwide could go under this year.” So just who will visit this un-aesthetic (it's surrounded by weedy wetlands, decrepit factories, shipping containers and railroads) fun-palace in East Rutherford, NJ? 

“People that may not be able to rent that house at the shore or pay a few hundred bucks for a three-day pass to Disney,” explains Siegel, “but they can come here and spend $100. We’re counting on people like that, people like Ms. Menthol.”

"I think it's great! I don't think that we have enough malls," says Ms. Menthol, "Yous knows, shopping is good. My two little girls can both ski and swim in the same day, and me and Abraham can shop and ride the Ferris Wheel. Plus, it's like a billion acres, so I can find a place to smoke, like, anywheres."

Andrew Demarian, 17 of Happague, NY spent this Thursday night the same way he has spent every other Thursday night since he began his 7th grade year at Happague Junior High School in 2004: watching the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. A young man filled with energy, and smiles for all who meet him, Andrew was brimming with excitement because of Jay’s special guest, President Barak Obama.  “I would have voted for him, if I could…but now, I wouldn’t vote for him.  I just want to beat him in bowling real bad”, said Andrew earnestly. 

Andrew Demarian is not your average retarded teenager, he is a three time Special Olympic Bowling Champion. “He’s been rolling around on bowling balls since he came out of the womb”, explained his mother, Alice, a dental hygenist and proud mother of two teenage boys, Andrew, and his younger brother Cal, 13.  The Demarian’s think of themselves as a very lucky American family.  Joe, the Patriarch of the Demarian crew is a welder with the local 218 out of Huntington Station.  The 218 has worked on many large construction projects in the New York Area, including the 2nd Avenue subway, currently under way.  “I’ll tell you one thing: if Obama thinks he’s getting my vote next time around he can forget it.  I’m going with Limbaugh. At least he’s not afraid to say what’s really on his mind.  And one thing that’s never on his mind is whether or not his bowling skills are better than those who lay it on the line every summer in the Special Olympics.  These kids are craftsmen with a hell of a lot more heart than he’ll ever know.  That’s it.  I’m done with Obama”, said Joe.

Deputy Press Secretary, Bill Burton, released the following statement yesterday.

"The president made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics," Burton explained. "He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful program that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world.  Also, he is fully aware of the challenge that has been put forth by retarded teenager, Andrew Demarian, and would like to publicly decline.  The President is not one to walk away from a challenge, so he would like to propose a Game of Connect 4 or Parcheesi instead.  The President feels more proficient in the aforementioned games, and would be more comfortable in this type of competitive environment.”

Upon hearing this news, Joe Demarian had this to say.

“Obama can’t spin his way out of this.  There’s not gonna be any Connect 4 or God Damn Parcheesi.  It’s bowling pal.  And if you’re not ready, and you don’t show up to Patsy’s Lanes on the Jericho Turnpike in Woodbury on Saturday night, we’ll know that you’re chicken.  I tell you this, if this guy doesn’t show up for a bowling challenge, how the hell do we know what else he won’t show up for”, yelled Joe, before slamming the door in my face.

As I turned to walk away, I could hear the theme song to the new reality series So Rich begin to play in the background.  And then over the music came a banging at the window.  I turned around to see the 70’s flannel curtains pulled back, and Andrew’s chocolate covered smiling face in the window as he yelled “Obama’s goin’ down at Patsy’s.” He began to laugh and shake his body as excited retarded teenagers do, and then he retreated behind the flannel.

Patsy’s is located at 1636 Jericho Turnpike at the intersetion of Old Country Road, across the street from  PC Richards, and next door to the Arby’s.  There has been no date set forth for the proposed board game challenge, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

The model melee that occurred in Manhattan over the weekend has many of us questioning the priorities of our young girls. With life outside of the classroom turning into a sloppy mess of wasted hours on social networks pining away for popularity, we look back to a simpler time when girls just screamed and fainted in the presence of matinee idols.  When we asked local resident, Mindy Greensteen what she thought of all the hoop-la she had a few choice words for the misguided youth, "look inside ladies...find out what it means to have a uterus.  Don't go trampling your sisters just to become validated by a former supermodel.  Stop using pump hair spray bottles to give yourself that perfect 80's boardwalk volume.  Stop doing your nails in the front seat of your boyfriends hummer trying to look cute, and cover up for the fact that you just performed fallacio on him riding shotgun.  Watch it girls, or you'll wind up with a different kind of shotgun...if ya know what I mean.  Get out and pick up some trash on the street.  Educate Grandma on why she shouldn't clean the house with 30 year old bleach from under the kitchen sink.  Do something decent!  Fight for change!"  There you have it an impassioned diatribe from Citizen Mindy.  Go forth and be brave almighty brethren of the uteri!  But I digress, Mindy actually makes a lot of sense.  The truth is...Well I should say, the big question is: how many of those females were actually model material.  I mean, what our runway-ridden, magazine-maddening culture would deem to be attractive, hot, smokestack-tresses who embodied all the symmetry necesarry to make even the simplest of creatures stop and stare in awe.  My guess: not many.  So, in conclusion, I'd like to see a replay of this day where all the ugly girls stayed home.  That's all here from the news desk for now.  Be good, be healthy, and stop worrying whether or not people think you're pretty.

Green Party mouthpiece, Abner Greensteen, was reported missing by his wife Mindy Greensteen. The couple was heard “arguing over bills,” neighbors say, and “Abner stormed away from their apartment.” Authorities are skeptical about Abner’s disappearance. “It’s not the first time she’s cried wolf,” stated Police officials. Abner Greensteen was last seen protesting by himself in an area of the city well known for its criminal activity. Community Organizers made the statement, “ He was only trying to improve the quality of life in those neighborhoods, he was only trying to “Green the Ghetto.” Search party organizers have set up “Abner Watch” at the Vegan Pit Community Restaurant and Compost Center.
"The Green Party is no longer the alternative, the Green Party is the imperative" Rosa Clemente

Whispering Hollow, NJ. – Local Whispering Hollow Police Officer, Butch Sugarman, was taken into custody today. Officer Sugarman was found naked on his lawn yielding a plastic candy cane in what appeared to be the result of an argument with his wife of 22 years.  Neighbors say, “He was naked, screaming obscenities and swinging a holiday decoration, wildly.” Mrs. Sugarman was unavailable for questioning, but witnesses say,  “She was in her night gown, spitting eggnog on her naked husband, when the Police arrived to the residence.” Local Mailman, Stewart Swagger, discovered the Sugarmans on their lawn and over heard the couple’s argument. Swagger states, “Butchy was naked yelling at Phyillis about Danny, Daniel McSwigtits, our Danny.” Daniel McSwigtits, a local football hero and beloved son of the Quarry owner, Mickey McSwigtits, is a cherished, hard working member of society in the peaceful common wealth of Whispering Hollow, N.J. No formal charges have been made in what appears to be a domestic violence dispute. When asked about his involvement in this bizarre incident, Daniel McSwigtits, stated "I hate my job" and nothing else.

The bucolic hamlet of Whispering Hollow New Jersey has just witnessed the passing of the peak season of red, orange, and yellow leaves shining in the morning sun, and canvassing the sidewalks of Main Street. However, one of it's natives is far from reaching his peak: Alan Benderhoven.  For those of you don't know Alan, he lives on Sarasota Street in a Cape May style home with his wife, Pattie, and his six year old daughter, Nina.  He spends his days securing homeowners insurance for the homes he brokers mortgages for at the offices of 1-800-Sub-Prime. You may have seen him at the supermarket, or waiting on line for his favorite Kinish at Maury's, or better yet, he may have sold you an adjustable rate mortgage that you can no longer afford.  At any rate, donning his trademark orange windbreaker and green track pants, Alan is a vision of Autumn strolling down your lane.  He has high hopes of winning the New jersey speedwalking championships and then racing on to victory in Helsinki.  We caught up with him, or should I say tried to catch up with him, during one of his early morning training sessions this week.  As we approached in the News van, we asked Alan what he was thankful for this Thanksgiving.  He responded simply, "my feet", without breaking his stride.  We too are thankful for Alan's feet and hope he can put Whispering Hollow on the map with his victory.  So, if you see Alan attacking the pavement with determination outside your home (or the house that used to be your home) don't yell obscenities and wish death upon him, cheer him on, and let him know he has your support.  Through togetherness we will rise above these tough times and be all the stronger for it.  From all of us here at the news desk, Peace be with you, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Underground ballet revolutionary, Bobby Jackson is at it again.  He has gathered a group of disciples in his attempt to overthrow the Broadway Alliance.  With little cash, Jackson is seeking series A funding of $75,000 which will cover uniform tights for the dancers, 15 cases of Bud Light cans for rehearsal breaks, and more importantly it twill cover the cost of renting raw space. He seems to have some decent philanthropic contacts who he feels may be ready to part with some hard earned cash for some cocktail party bragging rights.  If these contacts don't pan out, Jackson may find himself turning to his connections in the New York Venture community, of he which he just joined on the Linkedin social networking site. VC money is tight in light of the economic downturn, so Bobby's Ballet better have a firm business plan in place which will be able to outline ROI for serious investors.  After all, not everyone is looking to jaw it up at a cocktail party somewhere on the upper east side about their latest altruistic venture-the boys downtown are looking for cold hard cash.  Best of luck Bobby.