New US interrogation Methods: TV Sitcoms, Twitter and Youtube?

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television.  The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are.  But it is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.

In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, and Guantanamo, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.

“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”

Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about. 

CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process.  There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.

“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong.  It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad.  “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”

It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.

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Real Teabaggers Protest Abuse of the Term

Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009

 (MP) - Americans took it to the streets Wednesday (April 15th - tax day deadline for any of you U.S. citizens living in a basement with no job, TV, windows, or access to the outside world).  Demonstrators attended more than 750 Tax Day “tea parties” in cities across the country. The events were meant to protest government spending, particularly the Obama administration’s $787 billion stimulus package and its $3.5 trillion budget. As part of the demonstration, people wore tea bags hanging from umbrellas or eyeglasses, as well as tossing them on the White House lawn. The significance alludes to the historical “Boston Tea Party” and as a result, the appellation assigned to these people has become the running joke -  “teabaggers”.

However, one group doesn’t find the joke very funny. Blane Turner, president of the International TeaBaggers Alliance, finds the innuendo that is eliciting snickers and guffaws from bloggers and the main-stream media is insulting and disrespectful.

“When you have a well respected journalist like Anderson Cooper, making snide, sarcastic remarks that it’s 'hard to talk when you’re teabagging,' who out there will ever see past this ignorance and believe that - Yes! It is indeed hard to talk when you are teabagging! It can be dangerous too.”

The innuendo referred to here is what Turner states is the “legitimate definition” of teabbagging in which a man squats on top of a woman’s face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex.

“That’s all I ever knew it to mean,” states Teddy Rooney, former Atlantic City showman, recovering alcoholic, and long time teabagger, “it was a staple with the whores that I knew in Jersey...like kissing or shaking hands. I think this protest is important. Hundreds of naked chicks lying around on their backs? One of them is bound to get teabagged."

The ITBA gathered together on Thursday in lower Manhattan. The demonstration brought over a thousand protesters who stripped completely naked and proceeded to lay down on their backs in unison as a gesture to the position most teabaggers find themselves in. Police arrived very late on the scene in confusion.

"Yea, well we got a call that a teabaggin' protests where happenin'’,” explains NYPD Officer Buffumo, “but they’d been happenin’ all day Wednesday. Then we got here, and saw that this protest was teabaggin’ of a whole other flavor if you know what I mean?”

The protest was soon broken up, and everyone dispersed without any violence. No arrests were made for any public indecency, and the ITBA felt that it was all a great success.

“I think we made our point,” muses Turner, “you can’t just throw around your tea bags and call it teabagging. The only true definition is when those bags land in someone’s mouth, and not on the White House lawn.”

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Camp Kodiak: The New Bears of Wall Street

Posted on Monday, April 6, 2009

The Catskills isn’t the first place that comes to mind when discussing Wall Street, but this weekend there was a new wave of Wanna-be-Wall-Streeters camping, hiking, and sharing stories on how to break into the business.

Deep in the Forest, among the century timber and clean air, the hot topic among a select few was: how to do we do it all over again?  What’s in it for us?  How do we capitalize on the tough times of others? The answers for these folks lie within the Head Counselors and Co-Founders of Camp Kodiak, (a new empowerment camp for nefarious types wishing to learn new tricks of the trade in an increasingly regulated market), Jake Binder and Jack McGregor.

Jake Binder, former CEO of Silverback Securities, and Jack McGregor, former CFO of Cloud 9 Consulting have teamed up at the helm of Camp Kodiak in order to pass on their knowledge of creating value out of nothing, and winning no matter what. Two individuals with strong track records when it comes to making money off of seamlessly useless products and companies, Binder and McGregor are convinced that this Bear Camp will be a success in the years to come.

“Most Bears have done their best to stay out of the spotlight or deny hunting the poor and defenseless, but Jack and I say the hell with it…I mean we’re 65…we’ve raised our families, slept with tons of prostitutes, and managed to have memberships at some of the most prestigious country clubs in the United States,” explained Mr. Binder.  “Shouldn’t some younger kids have the same chance to live the good life as we know it?  I think they should.”

Some courses being taught in the weekend warrior session at Camp Kodiak will be: Short-Selling with the Best of Them, Lying: The New Honesty, and Feeding Time: When to go in For the Kill. Sharing in the mentoring of their students, Binder and McGregor feel these beginner courses will give the youth a true taste for blood which will keep them coming back for more year after year.

“Jake’s background in the bottom line and my background in the big picture will definitely help these youngsters get a good foot-hold in the business,” said McGregor.  “You’ve got to be selfish.  It’s the only way.”

It’s hard to argue with two men who have lead such industrious lives.  They have helped keep many prostitutes and strip clubs in business for years, they’ve kept minorities of race and religion out of their clubs and offices, and they’ve made tons of money and spent most of it overseas.  They’ve done it all.

The success of Camp Kodiak lies in just how insatiable the appetite for making a quick buck is to the next generation of Wall-Streeters.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

For more information on Camp Kodiak, you must first speak with the guy who knows a guy that knows another guy ... in the know.  After that, you’re pretty much good to go.

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Obama Urges Strong World Response to North Korea's Use of Tempur-Pedic Pillows.

Posted on Monday, April 6, 2009

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s  “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party.  Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

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Clinton to Mexico: “I’m still hung-over from my trip”

Posted on Thursday, April 2, 2009

 (MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

 “I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh?  You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S.  The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The Secretary of State's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar,  “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried,” states Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip.  Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."

.

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Bush Explains Shrinkage in "Juicy"

Posted on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

(MP) – Sweat suits are quite popular attire for a jaunt to the suburban mall, or an expedition to the movies with the kids.  They can also feel real comfy-cozy when one decides to jog down to the neighborhood market for some morning brew and the Sunday Paper. That is where former President George W Bush found himself donning a Sunday sweat suit in his Houston neighborhood over the weekend.

Although he was ensconced in his Sunday comfy-cozy, “W” appeared a bit fey with the words “Juicy” plastered across his buttocks.

“I knew there must have been a reason why I felt so darn giddy.  I guess these juicy deals do that to you,” said Mr. Bush.

It seems that Bush was in a rush to read his horoscope on Sunday morning, and needed to get his paper, so he went rifling through a pile of clothes in the family laundry room, when he came across a matching set of sunflower yellow Juicy Couture sweatpants and sweatshirt.

“Laundry room is in the back of the house.  House faces west. There’s only one window. Ya can’t see much.  I could of sworn I was holding my Yale Bull Dogs tops and bottoms which I wear every weekend, but I guess Laura didn’t wash them, so I’m in these juicy deals … which aren’t half bad,” explained Mr. Bush.

As George W Bush paraded around the local market, followed closely by secret service, he gathered some fresh orange juice, the morning paper, and some Little Debbie's Smores snacks.  His Juicy morning didn’t seem to phase him in least.  We tried to get the attention of the secret service to inquire why it was they allowed George to leave the family compound dressed in Jenna’s former frat party favorite, but we only received stone faces ... below magic-shell-hair.

Finally George unlocked his scooter from outside the store, and before his first push of the leg that would bring him scampering home, he looked over to me and said, “only thing that sucks about these things is that they make my damn 'business' looks so darn small…must be the breeze.”

The breeze is always one explanation for a lot of things. But for Mr. Bush, sometimes a good horoscope is all it takes. Houston Chronicle horoscope for Cancer on March 30, 2009: don't be afraid to try new things.

Thanks "W" for embracing your spiritual path.

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Kim Jong Krispies: A Breakfast Cereal To Be Reckoned With

Posted on Thursday, March 26, 2009

(MP)- As if it isn't difficult enough to pick out a breakfast cereal at the supermarket, the decision just became that much more complicated with the addition of Kim Jong Krispies: the official morning meal of North Korea.

With a powerful dictator as its namesake, the Kim Jong Krispies brand has been finding its way onto shelves across Europe and North America.

“We intend to raise this violation of the Cereal Council resolution, if this continues, in our supermarkets,” Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said Wednesday. “This provocative action in violation of the WCO (World Cereal Orginization) mandate will not go unnoticed, and there will be consequences.”

“There has to be a better way for cereal proprietors to be able to share the marketplace, and that includes Sociopathic Dictators,” said Shannon Bonfonsis, Director of Marketing for the General Mills Corporation, and Secretary General of the WCO.  "Strong arming brands off the shelves, and at the same time isolating yourself from the Cereal conversation is not helping anyone."

The main concern for members of the WCO is the positioning of Kim Jong Krispies on the shelves.  In a deal struck with the Wal-Mart Corporation, Kim Jong’s brand was able to secure real estate on the second shelf up from the bottom, which is approximately 39 inches in height, and also the average height of a four year old child.

“This is a cereal…in attractive packaging …with professional graphics, and vibrant hues of color represented on both the front, and back of the box.  The cereal itself is yet again bright in color, and is in the shape of a Nuclear War Head. We have reason to believe that this will be very appealing to children between the ages of three and seven,” explained Philip Wentworth COO and Brand Director for the Kelloggs Corporation.  “I mean it’s got a good chance of blowing Frosted Flakes right off the map.”

The big question on the minds of the WCO members is, how did Wal-Mart allow such a gross violation of WCO standards to occur? 

"Amber Waves has been on shelf two since the inception of the WCO. Now, we’re on five.  We’re losing our grip on creating healthy children. Shop Rite, Food Town, Super Food Town and Pathmark are all in compliance. Frankly, the Food Town stores are refusing to carry the Kim Jong brand at all, and Shop Rite has only agreed to carry a limited supply through the end of the school year.  The only issue has been Wal-Mart.  We are all really shocked,” said Abner Greensteen, Spokesperson for the Granola Miles Group, (creator of the Amber Waves cereal series).

Bruce Thistlewaite, Public Relations Director for Wal-Mart declined to comment from Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas yesterday .

Greensteen is worried that we are sending the wrong message to our children by making communism, nuclear war, and cereal rich in sugar and preservatives, a part of our morning routine.  But as long as Kim Jong Krispies keep flying off shelf number two, another truck from Bentonville will be on its way to deliver fresh morning missiles to America’s children.

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TARP Fever Workshop

Posted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009

MP- There isn’t a family in America who hasn’t been hit by these tough economic times.  While most businesses are suffering, one New jersey psychologist has found a way to capitalize on a new disease he is calling TARP (troubled assets relief program) Fever.

World Renowned marriage counselor, and founder of TARP Fever Workshop, Dr. Jesse Jamison, feels optimistic his client base will be happy and healthy during this financial crisis with the help of his trademarked two step program.  “People need to allow themselves not to feel guilty.  If they have the money to shop at Bergdorff’s, or lunch at Nobu, or buy that Kate Spade bag they should do it-and do it as quickly as possible. “ 

We sat in on one of the workshops, and were able to speak with Francine Magdalano,  wife of Barry Magdalano, local entrepreneur and orthodontist, and proud mother of one Jo Jo Magdalano, a boy, age 16. “Listen I know lot’s of people have lost their jobs, but I don’t know any of them.  Kids keep coming in to get their buck teeth fixed all the time. I do feel sorry for the out of jobbers, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop wearing all my good stuff and living the good life.  Why should I? Like Dr. Jamison say’s step 1: get over it, step 2: buy something.”  Francine seems to have a good handle on things, and we wish her the best of luck in her pursuit of making herself happy.

Jamison went on to mention that he’s been able to fill endless prescriptions for Zoloft, Valium, and Wellbutrin, which will assure him a steady client base for the next six months to a year.  “People like drugs…what do you want me to tell you? “  Jamison explained.  Jamison’s philosophy is a simple one: “buy now, and worry how much it’s really worth later.”  Jamison holds a self generated digital diploma from Hofstra, created by his childhood friend, Paul Stentler. His PHD was a mail order from The Universidad de la Habana, Cuba.

The TARP Fever Workshop meets on Tuesday nights at 7:00 pm, at The Red Bank YMCA and on Wednesday nights at 7:30 pm, at The Jewish Community Center in Deal.  The Coffee and Bagel happy half-hour prior to the workshop is sponsored by Pfizer’s new energy drink, Vibrancy.  In order to participate in the drinking of Vibrancy you must first receive a prescription from a licensed physician.

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Stimulus Plan to include The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Posted on Monday, March 23, 2009

MP- In an effort to instill consumer confidence, the Obama administration has engaged in what one might say is a very unorthodox move: Executive Producing, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Since AIG became AIU, and lines at job fairs across the country have become increasingly longer, we can thank Bravo, Congress, and President Obama for getting behind such an enlightening program. “Not only is it a show about spoiled women with an inflated sense of self-entitlement, it’s also about their children, friends and husbands who share the same philosophy,” said Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut. Dodd has spent the past couple of weeks in the hot seat for his last minute insert into the stimulus package, which ensured AIG Executives their well earned bonuses.  He sees The Real Housewives of NJ as a great way to get the country back on track, and is happy Congress decided to invest American tax dollars into such a paramount piece of broadcasting. (The American people will only receive Associated Producer credits, and can begin adding their names to IMDB this Friday March 27, 2009).  "Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder of what you don't have to get you back on the horse again.  The American people are resilient, and nothing pisses them off more than seeing people who have better shit than they do," Dodd explained.

 “We hope that in this economic downturn, people will be glued to their television sets, mobile phones, and participating in live chats at Bravotv.com, regarding their envy for these 5 fabulous women from New Jersey,” explained President Obama. Clearly ecstatic with his move into media production, Obama continued: “Not only is this a good way for 5 women approaching middle age to show off their great tans and fantastic jewelry, it’s a way for the whole family to get together and agree to work harder in order to get a better house at the shore next summer”.

When asked how they felt about being chosen to be a part of such an important sociological experiment the women simply said, I Deserve It , in unison.  
I’m sure we’ll all be tuning in, and hopefully trying to keep up with the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  2009: a great year for investing in American Culture.

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Retarded Teenager Challenges Obama to Bowling Match

Posted on Friday, March 20, 2009

Andrew Demarian, 17 of Happague, NY spent this Thursday night the same way he has spent every other Thursday night since he began his 7th grade year at Happague Junior High School in 2004: watching the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. A young man filled with energy, and smiles for all who meet him, Andrew was brimming with excitement because of Jay’s special guest, President Barak Obama.  “I would have voted for him, if I could…but now, I wouldn’t vote for him.  I just want to beat him in bowling real bad”, said Andrew earnestly. 

Andrew Demarian is not your average retarded teenager, he is a three time Special Olympic Bowling Champion. “He’s been rolling around on bowling balls since he came out of the womb”, explained his mother, Alice, a dental hygenist and proud mother of two teenage boys, Andrew, and his younger brother Cal, 13.  The Demarian’s think of themselves as a very lucky American family.  Joe, the Patriarch of the Demarian crew is a welder with the local 218 out of Huntington Station.  The 218 has worked on many large construction projects in the New York Area, including the 2nd Avenue subway, currently under way.  “I’ll tell you one thing: if Obama thinks he’s getting my vote next time around he can forget it.  I’m going with Limbaugh. At least he’s not afraid to say what’s really on his mind.  And one thing that’s never on his mind is whether or not his bowling skills are better than those who lay it on the line every summer in the Special Olympics.  These kids are craftsmen with a hell of a lot more heart than he’ll ever know.  That’s it.  I’m done with Obama”, said Joe.

Deputy Press Secretary, Bill Burton, released the following statement yesterday.

"The president made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics," Burton explained. "He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful program that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world.  Also, he is fully aware of the challenge that has been put forth by retarded teenager, Andrew Demarian, and would like to publicly decline.  The President is not one to walk away from a challenge, so he would like to propose a Game of Connect 4 or Parcheesi instead.  The President feels more proficient in the aforementioned games, and would be more comfortable in this type of competitive environment.”

Upon hearing this news, Joe Demarian had this to say.

“Obama can’t spin his way out of this.  There’s not gonna be any Connect 4 or God Damn Parcheesi.  It’s bowling pal.  And if you’re not ready, and you don’t show up to Patsy’s Lanes on the Jericho Turnpike in Woodbury on Saturday night, we’ll know that you’re chicken.  I tell you this, if this guy doesn’t show up for a bowling challenge, how the hell do we know what else he won’t show up for”, yelled Joe, before slamming the door in my face.

As I turned to walk away, I could hear the theme song to the new reality series So Rich begin to play in the background.  And then over the music came a banging at the window.  I turned around to see the 70’s flannel curtains pulled back, and Andrew’s chocolate covered smiling face in the window as he yelled “Obama’s goin’ down at Patsy’s.” He began to laugh and shake his body as excited retarded teenagers do, and then he retreated behind the flannel.

Patsy’s is located at 1636 Jericho Turnpike at the intersetion of Old Country Road, across the street from  PC Richards, and next door to the Arby’s.  There has been no date set forth for the proposed board game challenge, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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