In a surprising turn of events, beloved Afghani Mystic, Sheik Fark Feik Mohammad, makes a stunning admission. Sheik Fark Feik confesses to being involved in a swap of his Casio Cassette Player, circa 1983, with Osma Bin Laden, and his collection of 8 Track tapes and Fisher Price, 8 Track Player, circa 1974. The community leader and long time Taliban associate made the following statement:  "My apologies go out to the Peace Keepers of the World, and especially the people of the United States, for not coming forth with this information earlier.  I am a changed man, and sadly enough I have Bin Laden and his collection of Classic Rock 8 Tracks to thank for it," explained the Sheik. 

The Sheik has been suffering from lung cancer, which he apparently contracted due to excessive marijuana abuse over the last decade.  "I was introduced to the musings of The Grateful Dead, Nils Lofgren, Peter Paul and Mary, Cream, and Richie Havens.  This music changed my life, and led to the exploration of hallucinogenic drugs, and the daily use of marijuana.  The drugs changed the relationships between me and all of my wives. The last years of my life were a re-birth, and I wouldn't change a thing.  My only regret is that I did not come forth with this information earlier, because sadly, I feel it could have led to Osama Bin Laden's capture.  I denounce my past hatred for the west, and travel now back to the earth from which I came."  An emotional Sheik Fark Feik went on to explain that Bin Laden was desperate to make this trade because he knew that technology was changing rapidly, and he would need better recording equipment in order to make contact with the outside world once he burrowed into his hide out, in  eastern Afghanistan's, Tora Bora Region.  Sheik Fark Feik told us that he wasn't interested in the music or Fisher Price 8 track player as much as he was in helping out Bin Laden.  However,  he did admit that he was a fan of The Antiques Road Show, so it did cross his mind that if they happened to come to Kabul, he might be able to cash in on the collection, and player due to their age. So he made the trade.  "It was only a matter of time before I put on Peter, Paul, and Mary's Greatest Hits," said the Sheik.  He expressed having extreme curiosity for the album because it seemed to be the hardest part of the collection for Bin Laden to let go. Apparently, Bin Laden wept as he began to sing the lyrics to, Old Stewball, and then ran off into the hills singing the lyrics of, Lemon Tree. "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat, lemon tree...he went on like this, you know.  And I could hear him well into the hills, so I had to see for myself."  The Sheik laughed to himself.  "And did I ever see", he said proudly.

The Sheik decided to come forth with his admission because of Bin Laden's most recent calls to jihad concerning Isreal's occupation of the Gaza Strip, and the newly appointed President of Somalia, Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed. Upon hearing this recording, Sheik Fark Feik recounts, "I was listening, Sleepy Time, by Cream and having sex with all of my wives.  I told you we all get along really well now-even though I am sick I can still please my women.  So there we were and here comes Bin Laden's voice over the internet.  Yes, I have internet now.  I know it's crazy.  I even spend a lot of my time on my Facebook.  It's a great way to keep up with old friends," said the Sheik.  "I heard him, and I couldn't let it go on any longer, so I've come clean", an impassioned Sheik Fark explained.  He concluded by wishing the world the best in finding him, and offering to be of assistance in any way possible, as long as he was promised some medical marijuana if the Obama administration ended up legalizing the drug. His dealer had apparently done quite well, and decided to move to Crete with his earnings.  Sheik Fark Feik worried that if he continued to go without his pot the music might leave him forever, and he didn't want to die with the music still in him.

After leaving Afghanistan, we continued to pull back the layers of this relationship between the two men. We were able to uncover a connection between Roger De la Soul,  and Al Qaida, for the funding of his latest social networking site, Pick on a Foreigner.  It is now believed that Sheik Fark Feik  made the introduction between Al Qaida operatives and De la Soul as recent as 2006. With this knowledge, we can only guess as to how genuine Sheik Fark Feik was in his confessions.  Was it the cleansing of his soul he was after, or just some sympathy, attention, and hopefully some weed for a sexually underperforming Sheik dying of cancer.  Who knows.  But hey, atleast we know Bin Laden digs our tunes.

American International Group, now simply known by their sinister sounding acronym 'AIG', can't seem to escape the hatred of the American people.  After a long week of tongue lashings by President Obama and Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, AIG has found itself squirming yet again, as it finds itself at the genesis of what could be their most serious lawsuit yet: Chuck E Cheese of Paramus vs. AIG.

It all began in September of 2008 when CEO Edward Liddy dialed up the Paramus childrens party palace to arrange a private  New Years Eve bash for the Executives and their Wives.  Manager Phil Bandkantzer, 42 of Paramus, answered the phone on that quiet September morning.  "I just remember thinking to myself, this is gonna be great.  They had ordered 100 pizzas and 14 cases of root beer...they even requested DJ Jersey Joe be in attendance.  I mean this was gonna be huge.  Definitely the biggest party we had this year. "  Bandkantzer also went on to reveal that shortly after the AIG reservation he received another phone call from Susan Tunkorfson, President of the Paramus Junior Women's Club, and mother of Rory Tunkorfson, the sweeper for the Paramus Pirates traveling soccer team. Rory was turning 12, and Mrs. Tunkorfson wanted to throw him the party of a lifetimne.  "You see Rory's birthday is New Years Eve, and it's a really tough night for a kid to have a birthday.  It was tough for him as a kid especially with Bob, Mr. Tunkorfson, and I always going out to parties and having fun...and leaving him alone with Consuela. I guess it wasn't really fair. But Bob and I have both stopped drinking, and we go to church now as a family, and I'm really active in the community.  Anyway, we just have a lot of making up for lost time to do ...you know?  And New Year's, Rory's birthday was the perfect time to do it."  Mrs. Tunkorfson was full of emotion and truly seemed to regret her party days of the late 90's early 2000's.  The AIG reservation really seemed to throw their lives into a tail spin.  "I felt really bad when I spoke to Susan on the phone.  Their was nothing I could do, you know?  I mean it's AIG.  You can't cancel on them.  Tunkorfson's were out of luck.  I told them that our Elmhurst store wasn't booked for New year's yet, but she said she didn't like going into the city because she got anxiety.  And that Queens might as well have been Africa to her. She said a lot of things.  She was upset.  I know she didn't mean it, but we're a popular place. It's not the first time I've been yelled at on the phone.  We can't make everyone happy all the time", said Bandkantzer. That was it. The Tunkorfson's would have to try and find other ways to win back their son's affection.

When the frigid night of December 31st finally rolled around, Phil Bandkantzer found himself hustling around the Paramus Chuck E Cheese like he normally would before any large event: blowing up balloons into the shapes of small dogs, filling cups of ice for root beer, and doing a last minute clean up in the sea of balls.  "I always make sure that there aren't any sharp items in there.  And that could be anything, doll's head half bitten off, plastic tip of a shoelace.  You'd be surprised what can cut you", said Bandkantzer emphatically.  After all that preparation for what was to be the largest New Year's Eve Party in the history of the franchise, AIG was a no show.  Bandkantzer brought in the New Year with an anchovy pizza, his favorite, and a tall glass of Root Beer.  Angry, Ashamed, and feeling quite let down by the Insurance Giant, Bandkantzer got into his two door Nissan Sentra with roll down windows and headed to his apartment complex off Route 78 West.  He wasn't looking forward to talking with the owner of the Paramus franchise, notorious business mogul Roger De la Soul.

Briefing De la Soul was a daunting task for Bandkantzer, but he did it boldly over a slice of Chuck E Deluxe while watching the View.  "He lost it man.  I thought he was gonna come through the phone and kill me", Phil said.  Roger De la Soul was unable to reached for comment.  His publicist would only say that AIG would rue the day that they blew off a reservation at Chuck E Cheese.  We were able to reach Hank Greenberg, former AIG CEO, before he left for his last ski weekend of the year in Aspen. "It's ridiculous. It's a very sad thing to see the people that I once worked with treating Chuck E Cheese this way.  Chuck E Cheese has always been a great place for a birthday party.  A great place for the whole family to enjoy.  I've been there myself and enjoyed it.  I think the guys at AIG are going to have a tough time finding their way out of this one."

As the lies and scandals continue to rear their ugly heads deep within this depression of ours, one thing is for certain:  Don't fuck with Chuck E Cheese.

After a long afternoon of cleaning the Barnacles off his Boston Whaler, we caught up with Tucker Carlson and his top siders, in the stairwell of the Dublin House, in Red Bank New Jersey.  Carlson said he was there to for a pint and some of their famous Shepards Pie.  But we can't be sure seeing that there was a Young Republicans luncheon being held in the second floor dining room.  Regardless of his reasons for his Dublin House patronage, Carlson expressed some anger when we asked him about his angel investment into Bobby's Ballet. It seemed to be pulled at the last minute by Carlson and long time local Mortgage Brokering heavyweight, Bingham Coolidge.

  In response to our inquiries as to why the bottom fell out, Carlson muttered before ascending the staircase, "Why don't you ask that partisan hack John Stewart?  Mr. Jackson seems to be kissing his ass these days, just like everybody else."  His random reply has us asking a lot of questions.  Is Bobby Jackson, former Marine Special Forces Operative, being hired out by John Stewart and possibly Stephen Colbert, to take out some AIG executives?  Or, was Tucker just a bit too salty after one too many pre-lunch Guiness at the Dublin House Bar.  We can't be sure.  The only thing we can be sure of is that Carlson did make a hard left into the dining room where the Young Republicans were doing a lot more than tee-totaling.  As we took a peak through the partially closed doors we could see two quite small (it is unclear whether they were indeed midgets or dwarves) leprechaun-esque female strippers dancing on a pile of corn beef as they dowsed themselves with beer.We thought to ourselves, what a waste of food and drink, not too mention, a waste of talented short strippers.

It is uncertain how the rest of the afternoon played out in this small Red Bank Bar, but we can sleep soundly knowing that money was being spent in a local pub, even if it was by the Young Republicans.

In the age of bailouts and rescue plans, dancer Bobby Jackson has also requested a helping hand from Uncle Sam.  Jackson claims that advanced ticket sales for his performance of Don Quixote starring performance artist, Klauss, and local mortgage broker, Raphael Coolidge have been bleak at best. It seems that he won’t even be able to cover the cost of renting the black box theatre at the Producers Club on West 44th street in Manhattan.
 “I’ve got nowhere to turn”, say’s Jackson, defeated. “The government owes us something for getting out there and dancin’ for people. This aint footloose ya know.  Dancin’s not illegal and it brings a lot of needed heart to a shaken nation. People don’t know who they can trust any more….but I’ll tell ya one thing: they can trust dancers”.  
A man of few words, but impassioned nonetheless.  Jackson’s hearing before congress is set for March 9, 2009.  We wish him the best of luck in his pursuit for solvency.