Thousands Claim to Have “Almost” Won The Kentucky Derby

Posted on Monday, May 4, 2009

(MP) - Either sipping on Mint Juleps and gorging on Burgoo on "Millionaire's Row,” or drinking straight from a bottle of Jim Beam down in the “The Infield,” over a 100,000 spectators and revelers came out to Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky for "The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports." The Kentucky Derby is one of the crown jewels of the elusive Triple Crown, which includes the Belmont Stakes and the Preakness Stakes. It is also one of the most heavily gambled sporting events of the year.

This year’s winner, and a 50-1 long shot, was Mine That Bird - one of the biggest upsets in Kentucky Derby history, winning by more than 6 lengths.  Mine That Bird covered the 1 1/4 miles in 2:02.66 and paid $103.20 to win. However, the buzz around the area, as well as around the country, is “who exactly bet on this loser?” Well, it seems that more and more people are coming forward claiming to have done just that…or at least, thought about doing just that.

“When ‘I Want Revenge’ was scratched,” explains Bobby Jackson, a ballet instructor who came to "The Run for the Roses" to finance his ballet school, “I looked at that [email protected]#&ing mule and thought, ‘maybe I should bet on a loser.’ But, then I came to my senses because I hang out with enough losers, so I put it on ‘Friesian Fire’ at 5-1. [email protected]$#%ing Christ! I almost picked the winner!”

The excitement of thinking about betting on the horse that won was also expressed on “Millionaire’s Row.” London Marriot, attired in a long dress, big hat, carrying a fancy umbrella, and completely inebriated also lamented her missed opportunity, “Oh my God! I thought about betting on him when the horses were paraded before the grandstands. But then the marching band started, people were singing, I slipped off to the bathroom with Brandon, and like, I came back and betted on ‘Mr. Hot Stuff.’ Wait, or did I already bet on him, and wished I hadn’t? I don’t remember…I was pretty gone.”

This “arm chair quarterback” syndrome was not exclusive to the visitors to Churchill Downs. Spectators across America have also reported that they “almost” picked this year’s winner as well.

“I called my bookie cause I don’t like the OTB,” explains Millis Hobgood, a resident of New York City, “and I told him to run with Dunkirk and Pioneer of the Nile (both at 4-1), and then Mine That Bird. But I misread the name, and I called him back and bet on Summer Bird. I wanted Summer Bird…I like the summer…not mines. But I picked the winner initially!! How about that?”

This mass self-deception has been found to actually be quite prevalent across all major sporting events, as well as on all suburban high school sports fields across the country. Studies are showing that more people believe that they are able to consistently pick winners, but then for some reason decide to neglect their instinct. In a cross-study conducted by the University of Mania, it was found that 90% of the people that believe that they almost picked an eventual winner, but didn’t, are completely full of shit.

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4/20 Preparation Believed to be Cause of Death for 21 Thoroughbred Horses

Posted on Tuesday, April 21, 2009

(MP) - "I’m not sure what happened exactly,” explains Stratocaster, the recently discovered survivor of 21 horses that died at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Florida, “last I remembered it hit four-twenty, and all I know is I woke up, with my cat Mr. Tweets, on the beach in an orange jumpsuit.”

State of Florida officials said Monday that they suspect a drug reaction or toxins killed 21 horses as they were prepared to compete in a Sunday polo match in Wellington, Florida. Some of the 15 horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team died immediately, but some lingered for about 45 minutes. Six of the 21 horses were kept overnight in the same trailer for further interrogation. Before any further developments in the case could be uncovered, the remaining witnesses died sometime between Sunday and Monday.

"There was a combination of something," reported Ty Browley of the U.S. Polo Association, the sport's governing body, on Sunday night, "We don't know, but we're going to find out. Obviously, this is a tragic situation, and we are working hard to determine what happened," he continued, "But it would be irresponsible to speculate on what may have killed the horses. We will wait until the facts are in before making any specific comments on the case."

Some of those facts are now coming to light as a result of the Stratocaster’s reemergence. “It seems that on their off day, these horses were preparing for something called 4/20, in which groups gather on the 20th of April, at 4:00, and smoke extraordinary amounts of marijuana.” Browley explained, “we are discovering from Stratocaster’s testimony that mass cocaine use coincided with the horses preparation for this mass smoke-out.”

“We were in 4/20 training, and Val’s Dream brought in a copy of Bachelor Party,” explained Stratocaster, “we watched up to the part when the mule does all the coke, and then dances with the stripper. We all started joking that thoroughbred’s could easily out-party a jackass any day of the week. Unlucky Day (whose owner is Z-list celebrity, and recovering drug addict, Mick Priest) happened to have some with him from his owner’s stash, and it was all down hill from there.”

Ty Browley said he's never seen anything like the scenario that unfolded Sunday night. “Players and trainers do everything possible to keep the horses in optimum condition. These horses are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. They are babied every single day, all day long. But, I guess they are still just kids when you come down to it.”

Now that the facts have been ascertained, Browley is now starting an investigation to uncover further drug abuse in the Polo community.

“We’ve always tested for steroids for these animals because of the untrusting human factor,” states Browley, “but it seems there is now a growing concern over an ‘equine gateway-drug community’ that is pervading our Polo clubs. This 4/20 community, or cult, or whatever you wish to call it, will not continue with these horses. We’re going to crack down on these animals, get them on the straight and narrow - or else it is glue time boys.”

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Next Olympic Sport…Chess-Boxing?

Posted on Friday, April 3, 2009

"Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board." This is the slogan for the Berlin-based World Chess Boxing Organization. With official training clubs in Berlin, London and Sofia, Bulgaria; spokesman Andreas Dilschneider calls it “an intellectual fight club, and the biathlon of the 21st century."

The fastest sport on the rise (rivaling even the popular MMA), the WCBO has attracted the attention of ESPN coverage, and some of the fiercest boxers in the world, from legendary Lennox Lewis to newcomer Yuri Bagalov

"If you don't know anything about chess-boxing it might seem a strange combination", says Dilschneider, "but if you think about it, in both sports there are many parallels." Just as you can be knocked out in boxing, "you can be in front in chess for 10 or 20 moves. You can build up a very strong position. You can be a very good player. But if for one moment you are not aware, and you make one bad move, the whole game is over."

In a chess-boxing exhibition, two fighters play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. The winner is determined by knockout, checkmate, or referee decision.

“Seems like logical path for me,” explains former Extreme Badminton Champion Yuri Bagalov, “I dominate Badminton. It become boring. I come to London to train at their club. I like idea of sitting down for whole rounds. I’m a little fat, yes?  This sport is perfect for Yuri Bagalov!”

The chess-boxing combo traces its roots back to a 1992 comic book, titled “The Nikopol Trilogy”, in which the men of the future box on a chessboard floor.

“I don’t read comic books,” exclaims a visibly annoyed Bagalov, “maybe ask baby-man Sazhin.”

Bagalov is referring to the 2008 World Champion Chess-boxer, Russian math student Nikolaj Sazhin, Sazhin, 19, won the light heavyweight division after seizing his opponent's queen in the fifth round of chess.

"Bagalov is a fat blow-hard, and I will take his queen in two moves," Sazhin said, via a translator. "He cannot control his emotions. He is sloppy. You have to be totally cooled down in chess coming out of the boxing round. The adrenaline is the problem. "

Bagalov hopes to meet Sazhin in the ring in upcoming months. “I am ready,” states Bagalov,  “I wait in London. I wait with my Natashas and Vodkas. He cannot dismiss Yuri Bagalov forever. When we meet, I will knock him out in first round, and when he is lying there, I will king his crown. That is correct, right? King his crown? In Russia, crown is circle like anus, you know?  I will king it!”

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Mickey Rourke Wrestles Frosty Paws

Posted on Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mickey Rourke, who recently made a comeback of epic proportions in the Wrestler, has found himself wrestling new demons now that the Golden Gates of Hollywood are again open, and flush with opportunity.  “Sometimes all you’ve got are your dogs.  So I’d like to thank my dogs,” said Rourke during his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes.  Well it seems that Rourke’s dogs are his top priority, and may also lead to being his greatest downfall.

On the night of Saturday March 27th, Rourke and his companion Jaws (a Chihuahua), found themselves feverishly canvassing the Greater New York Area in search of a delicious doggy dessert: Frosty Paws.  This special snack can be just as addicting to dogs as Frozen Yogurt is to the fashionably health conscious downtown hipster-and the quest for it, can turn a sleepy Saturday night into a full-on melee.  That is exactly what happened to the former Pope of Greenwich Village in his old movie-making stomping grounds just three nights past.

“Everything was OK until he realized we were out of The Frosty Paws,” said Rupinder Swaminathan, proprietor of The Beasty Feast on Washington Street in Manhattan’s Far West Village.  “He just started walking around and moving his fingers through his hair… and pacing.  He was very upset.  I tell him, ‘no Frosty Paws today…tomorrow … Frosty Paws. Come back tomorrow.  We are closing.’  He just went crazy… just like that … crazy.  He started to empty out bags of dog food and screaming nonsense.” 

Mr. Swaminathan continued, "He was saying, 'I can’t live in your golden palace Tully…I can’t fuckin’ live here,' over and over again… he was repeating.  He said, 'I’ve been everywhere man don’t you get it? I’ve fuckin’ been everywhere.'  Then he looks over and sees my dog Sammy, and he turns around real slow, staring at my face and says, 'I know you’ve got some fuckin' Frosty Paws in here bro.'  Then he started to race towards me.  That is when I became frightened for my life."

It was only when Rourke accidentally stepped on the tale of Mr. Swaminathan’s cat, Pepper, a full-bodied Tabby, that he seemed to surface from his spell of rage.

Realizing that he had injured an innocent animal sent him reeling.  “Mickey began to weep almost instantly.  It was kind of touching to see his love for the helpless beast.  That is when I saw in him what everybody else sees in Mickey Rourke: a winner.”

Rourke stumbled out of the Beasty Feast weeping as he collapsed onto the sidewalk staring at Manhattan’s elite arriving in town cars for a night of debauchery in the meatpacking district.

“And there he was crying with the headlights in his eyes, and he was saying 'I fucked up…I fucked up.'  He grabs my hand and looks at me in the eyes… holding his little doggy, and he say’s  'I love you Brother… Brother I love you … I’m sorry, it’s just the fuckin’ Frosty Paws man,' and he got himself off the ground and walked away.  That was it,” explained Mr. Swaminathan.  “I do love him.  He’s not afraid to say he is sorry.  Mickey Rourke is a True American.”

Whether they are his demons, or the demons of his dogs, we hope that Mickey and Jaws finally found some Frosty Paws and settled down for the weekend.

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Brandon Mavis Spotted at “Snip City” Before March Madness

Posted on Thursday, March 26, 2009

(MP) - "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." This is the Oregon Urology Institute’s radio spot that has been picked up all over the country. The March Madness vasectomy special is the brain child of Dr. Neil Baum: urologist, author (he's written five books), and amateur magician!

Dr. Baum offered up to 20 outpatient procedures to men in the days leading up to the big basketball tournament. The offer included a bag of frozen peas, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and a free pizza delivered to your house. “The motivation,” explains Braum, “ is that men can engage in the luxury of being able to have uninterrupted time to watch a national sporting event without having to take out the garbage or take the kids to music lessons. They'll have time to recuperate.” The special got so much publicity that hard-partying, trust-fund celebutard Brandon Mavis was spotted entering the institute.

Mavis, dressed out of season in his favorite Meat Shorts from the Weird Clothing Company (which he has been quoted to say are “f-ing carni-vicious man!”), has been in the news due to his latest sex-scandal. Mavis was arrested for publicly fornicating with a woman with a ScreamBody bag strapped to her face. The hot new alternative to video taping themselves, they would later squeeze it back in the privacy of his own hotel room, releasing the vocal elations, and masturbating on opposite sides of the room. “This is the fad for this irreverent generation. It’s healthy though,” explains Dr. Jesse Jamison, Mavis’ personal therapist, “there’s nothing wrong with sexual exploration. Brandon just needs to be careful.”

“I’ve been up in there, dropping knowledge and nut in chicks all over the world, “tells Mavis, “my dad told me that either I get married, with a pre-nup of course, or I make sure there’s no unforeseen seeds of mine, incubating in any oven somewhere. So, this deal sounded good. I can bag as many chicks as I want without any repercussions. Oh, and the peas thing sounded like a bonus.”

What Mavis is referring to are the benefits that are part of Dr. Baum’s special offer. “The magazine was something to keep them occupied and to enjoy during the recuperative period,” explains Braum, “and the peas are to prevent swelling after the procedure. The frozen bag of peas are placed on the genitals where it nicely conforms to the area where they had the procedure. Anything will work. It could be ice cubes in a Ziploc bag, but that can be cumbersome. Peas are anatomically adaptable.”

So what did Dr. Braum think of Mavis’ erratic decision to have the procedure performed? “It's the most effective method of contraception and the least expensive over the long run. Many men want to have the procedure done, but are scared. I wanted to try to entice men to have a vasectomy, make it convenient for them and motivate them to proceed. I think Brandon is becoming aware of his indiscretions, and growing into a responsible adult.” And what does Mavis think about this transformation into adulthood? “Yea, I guess, but I just love my hoops, man. Don't want to be bothered. Go Huskies!”

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World Famous Lizardman Battles Geckoman

Posted on Wednesday, December 3, 2008

   After more than a decade of separation, former college roommates and best friends Erik Sprague and Jordan Gecko have decided to meet up again. Apparently this will not be a friendly reunion. According to Mr. Peters, the time apart was due to an old grudge which he now wants to settle once and for all.
   The two attended Hartwick College in Oneonta, NY. Both studied philosophy and both became interested in challenging the ideas of what it is to be human. They both underwent major transformations.
   Mr. Sprague spent several years transforming his body though tatooing, piercing, and other body modifications such as Teflon horn implants and a bifurcated tongue (split tongue). He is now referred to as The Lizardman and makes his living as a performance artist.
   Mr. Gecko, on the other hand, tried to turn himself into a chicken. Realizing that stuffing eggs into his rectum was not the best of ideas he then tried to become an armadillo, a rabbit, a giraffe, an electric eel, and a pony. All attempts failed miserably and then one night, after some heavy drinking, he accidently hypnotized himself into believing he was an actual gecko. The spell was permanent. Years of psychotherapy have been spent to reverse the effects of the drunken night, but have only been mildly successful. Mr. Gecko now calls himself The Geckoman and makes his living selling bonds on wall street.
   The grudge the two have was apparently over a coffee mug. Geckoman claims that Lizardman stole his favorite unicorn painted coffee mug. Lizardman has said that this is a lie and added that his penis is bigger than Geckoman's penis.
   Manic World of Sports covers the long awaited stand-off. The winner leaves with the extremely gay unicorn coffee mug and bragging rights to having the biggest dick.

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World Series of Bird Watching Begins

Posted on Friday, October 24, 2008

Deep in the Pine Barrens, in the cranberry bogs of jersey, a group of individuals prepare themselves for the thrill of a lifetime: to be crowned champion of the World Series of Birding.  Last year's champion, Rodney "Swampsparrow"  Sinclair is charged, to put it mildy, to retain his title.  "Swamsparrow", as he prefers to be called in Birding circles, became infatuated with ornathology while incarcerated at Rahway state prison-serving a five year sentence for the armed robbery of a clamming vessel off the coast of Highlands, New Jersey in the Sandy Hook Bay. Sinclair shows little remorse for the crime, stating "all I got were some fuckin' clams and a Blockbuster video membership card for the Rout 36 Blockbuster...only".  Regardless of his criminal background, Sinclair is a self-taught expert on the various species of birds living in our great state, and the mid-atlantic region.  As he speaks about his passion, you can almost see his eyes well up with tears of joy.  Statements like, "I'll go fuckin' anywhere to see some wild turkeys" make it difficult to hold his violent past against him.  "Swampsparrow" is definitely a lover of all God's creatures, and from all of us here at the Manic News desk, we wish him the best in his pursuit of a repeat. 

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Extreme Badminton Finals

Posted on Friday, October 24, 2008

Quite popular in Asia, but now taking the world by storm, Badminton is a sport not to be scoffed at.  Many of the worlds most talented players have gathered in the bucolic hamlet of Tinton Falls, New Jersey for the Breakfast at Badminton Finals.  There has been vigorous heated competition over the past week, including the much talked about match between Vin Takalousis of Santorini and Mehmet Ali-Cambaz of Anatolia.  Arriving in New Jersey a week early, and spending much of their time at local watering holes like Bar "A" and Joey Harrison's Surf Club, Ali-Cambaz and Takalousis managed to get their dose of Jersey Shore culture.  While attending the Little Miss Salt Water Taffy beauty contest in Seaside Heights, Ali-Cambaz and Takalousis set their eyes on the contest winner, Janine Andropoti, of Little Egg Harbor.  It is said that Janine gave both of them blow jobs in order to let her drive their matching mustang rental cars from De La Soul rentals in Manasquan.  Somewhere between blow jobs and Badminton, Andropoti made her decision to spend the rest of the week in the arms of Ali-Cambaz.  Takalousis is not one to lay down easy, and he took it to the court.  But precision and an overpowering backhand gave Ali-Cambaz the win on the court, and in the bedroom.  Ali-Cambaz now faces Yuri Bagalov, the Siberian Sensation, in the Extreme Badminton Finals.  Tune in for the match at Manic World of Sports.

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