New US interrogation Methods: TV Sitcoms, Twitter and Youtube?

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television.  The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are.  But it is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.

In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, and Guantanamo, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.

“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”

Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about. 

CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process.  There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.

“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong.  It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad.  “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”

It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.

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Dirty Sock From Tom Robbins Novel Reunited With Better Half

Posted on Tuesday, April 7, 2009

(MP) - Dirty Sock, infamous for its supporting role in the 1990 Tom Robbins novel, Skinny Legs And All, has finally been reunited with it’s long lost partner, Other Dirty Sock.

The twenty-year search was not without adventure or companionship.  Dirty Sock spent the better part of the 1990’s with Random Baby Shoe, and most of the early 2000’s with Suspect Man Sandal.

“The years with Random Baby Shoe were the most satisfying for me. They began when a homeless woman peeled me off the sidewalk outside of Scores, in Manhattan.  She threw me in her shopping cart with her bottles and cans, and sang Cat Stevens songs while crossing the Queensboro Bridge.  I fell out of the wagon when she hit a bump outside Silver Cup Studios, and ended up beside Random Baby Shoe on an abandoned lot.  For a time, I had a purpose.  It wasn’t until the super-sexy condos started arriving in the late 1990’s that I ended up in a dumpster during the groundbreaking process,” explained Dirty Sock. 

When questioned about the days with Suspect Man Sandal, (otherwise known as the inside-out years) Sock said: “They were too long and sordid to get into right now…just know that I was embarrassed.”

Sock told us that the best way to survive out there is to roll with it and pray…even when times get tough.  

“It was lonely out there.  Laying on sidewalks, or near campfires next to pornographic magazines on your back, and not remembering how you got there is pretty scary; especially when you find yourself in a neighborhood filled with ADHD children.  They can be the worst…they will run up to you and just jump up in there and stomp on you for no other reason than to show off to their friends. 

"The chain of events that would lead to the Hollywood ending began when singer songwriter, and environmental activist, Paula Vendaben entered her building on Suffolk Street in Manhattan, last Thursday.  After a meal at Angelica’s Kitchen with boyfriend and abstract painter, Serge Lubavitch, Paula discovered, Dirty Sock in her vestibule and angrily threw it into the trash.

 From a trash bag… to a garbage truck... to a dog’s mouth, and then into a car headed for a weekend at the Jersey Shore, Sock went on a wild ride that would bring it to the serendipitous moment it had been waiting for: the reunion with Other Dirty Sock.

As the Debenedetto’s and their family dog Rocky arrived at the Sea Bright Beach, the discovery of Sock was made.  Mrs. Debenedetto, or Nicole, as her husband Anthony knows her, was rousing from a nap when she turned to Rocky who so proudly dangled Sock from his jowls.  Disgusted, Nicole ripped Sock from Rocky’s mouth and tossed it out the window.  Guided by Nicole’s inspiring vocals, “oh my god …eeeewww…  grooossss,” the glare off Anthony’s sunglasses, and a strong gust of Jersey wind, Sock took flight boardwalk bound.  With the sun at its back and the salty air surrounding it, Sock began a descent like no other. As far as Sock was concerned this landing was for good.  Hovering over Other Dirty Sock, the wind halted at just the right time, and like a feather, Sock floated to the boardwalk to its final resting place… beside, Other Dirty Sock.

With too many parties to thank for the happy ending, Dirty Sock decided to allow nature to take its course, and smile contentedly next to Other Dirty Sock in silence for the rest of its days.

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Foiled Obama Assassination Uncovers Mystery of Bob Ross’ Death.

Posted on Tuesday, April 7, 2009

(MP) - American presidents are frequent targets of threats, and President Barack Obama gets more threats than usual as the first African-American U.S. president.  That is why U.S. officials have taken "very seriously" a plot to assassinate President Obama involving a Syrian man, with ties to Iran, who was arrested late last week in Turkey.

The plot was first reported by the Saudi Arabian newspaper al-Watan, The Saudi paper reported the suspect, who was carrying an Al-Jazeera TV press credential in the name of "M.G.," confessed to authorities after his arrest that he and three alleged accomplices plotted to give salmonella strained pistachios to Obama during the Alliance of Civilizations Summit in Istanbul, which Obama attended on Monday evening.

It seems that the foiled assassination has uncovered a nefarious Iranian plot 14 years in the making involving California’s recent pistachio recall with roots going all the way back to the tragic death of beloved American painter Bob Ross.

This past week, Americans spies uncovered information of a secret trade channel that revealed, and estimated, that 90% of pistachio imports allegedly from Turkey, actually come from Iran. This channel began as a way for Iran to circumvent Israeli trade laws. Any import from Iran is illegal in Israel. Despite Iran's attitude towards Israel, it holds strong commercial ties with the Jewish state, in the form of export of its fine pistachio nuts to Israel through Turkey.

 “We’ve been testing for many years to wipe out the Zionists,” quoted from M.G.’s confessional transcripts, “you are all fools. We have been infecting your country for ages. The test seed was only a silly painter…look at your products now?”

Although not officially confirmed, “The Test seed” is believed to be American painter and pistachio enthusiast Bob Ross, creator and host of The Joy of Painting, a long-running television program in the United States. Ross died of lymphoma, a type of cancer that originates in lymphocytes of the immune system, at the age of 52. It is now believed that the cause was from Salmonella, the most common cause of food-borne illness, which tainted his Turkish pistachios. Salmonella poisoning can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. 

“He not only loved his tiny little trees, but he also had a voracious appetite for pistachios,” explains a spokes person for Bob Ross Incorporated. “ Bob always preferred the Turkish pistachio, though less tastier than the American product, he felt a kinship to them because they are mostly consumed by the working class. It’s a tragedy to his name that he would be mentioned in such an insidious plot."

Without further investigation, the CIA has joined forces with the FDA to end further pistachio panic in the U.S. Federal officials confirmed Monday they found traces of salmonella in a central California pistachio processing plant that has sparked a nationwide recall. The Food and Drug Administration said state and federal inspectors discovered the bacteria in "critical areas" at Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc., the second-largest pistachio processor in the nation.

"The company is working closely with the FDA on this matter and is cooperating fully," Setton spokeswoman Fabia D'Arienzo said in a statement. "Setton Pistachio of Terra Bella, Inc. is committed to quality products and consumer safety, and is taking aggressive action to prevent the need for any future recalls. In shortages, we have been known to pass Turkish nuts off as our own, but in light of recent circumstances, we can no longer continue to do so. We loved Bob. We loved his spirit, his joy, and his hair."

White House officials declined to comment on the matter, citing a policy of not talking about national security and threats around the president. “The Turkish authorities did an incredible job with security,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said, "and we work closely with the host country whenever there is an arrest, which we are doing in this matter."

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O'Riley Blames BVD's and Kenny G

Posted on Friday, March 27, 2009

(MP) – Bill O’Riley, host of the O’Riley Factor on the Fox News Network has become well known for his emotional outbursts, and his inflated sense of self.  So it comes as no surprise to learn that Bill is blaming it on tight underwear and Kenny G.

It seems that O’Riley who was partial to wearing boxers for most of his adult life, has revealed that his wife, Public Relations Executive and former girlfriend of Flavor Flav, Mauren McPhilmy, began purchasing BVD briefs for him in the mid 90’s, because she found the fit more aesthetically pleasing.  Around the same time, Mrs O’Riley also became a huge fan of Smooth Jazz Heavy Kenny G, and would demand that Bill dance through the house slowly wearing only his tight BVD briefs and black business socks as the musings of the whimsical Kenny filled their home.  Emasculated and humiliated Bill began to take it out on co-workers and even super market check out girls.

“Bill is a little bitch.  He always comes in here buying his little granola bars and whatever else.  I bet he likes wearing those tight underwear.  Probably likes Kenny G too,” said Amber White, Manager of the Food Emporium Grocery Store in Manhattan. “He even yelled at me once because we were out of sour patch kids.  Freak. ”

In an on camera breakdown, even more shocking than the well known, “We’ll do it Live”, video that has been ubiquitous on the internet, O’Riley let loose on Noam Chomsky in front of his other guest London Marriot: "hey look, you think you’ve got it so tough, huh?  My penis is slammed into my pants like a pancake, and I can’t get the Andrea Bocelli and Kenny G concert in Tuscany out of my god damned head.  Spend some time in my pants pal.  Let’s go to commercial.”

After the commercial break, he apologized to Chomsky, Marriot and the American People for his bad manners.

I'm sorry. What can I say?  I know I'm an asshole.  It's hard.  I'm trying to please my wife sexually, and at the same time losing my way.  I'm not a rapper.  I don't like smooth jazz.  I like long walks, country music and porn.  I'm a regular guy...really I am. It's just tough..."  After a weighted silence in which O'Riley sat still staring down the camera, he took off his microphone and exited the sound stage.

We are unsure if Mr. O’Riley will continue his pursuit of a career in journalism, but we can only hope his wife allows him to listen to cooler music, and that finds the right fit downstairs.

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AIG Chuck E Cheese Trip Cancelled

Posted on Wednesday, March 18, 2009

American International Group, now simply known by their sinister sounding acronym 'AIG', can't seem to escape the hatred of the American people.  After a long week of tongue lashings by President Obama and Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, AIG has found itself squirming yet again, as it finds itself at the genesis of what could be their most serious lawsuit yet: Chuck E Cheese of Paramus vs. AIG.

It all began in September of 2008 when CEO Edward Liddy dialed up the Paramus childrens party palace to arrange a private  New Years Eve bash for the Executives and their Wives.  Manager Phil Bandkantzer, 42 of Paramus, answered the phone on that quiet September morning.  "I just remember thinking to myself, this is gonna be great.  They had ordered 100 pizzas and 14 cases of root beer...they even requested DJ Jersey Joe be in attendance.  I mean this was gonna be huge.  Definitely the biggest party we had this year. "  Bandkantzer also went on to reveal that shortly after the AIG reservation he received another phone call from Susan Tunkorfson, President of the Paramus Junior Women's Club, and mother of Rory Tunkorfson, the sweeper for the Paramus Pirates traveling soccer team. Rory was turning 12, and Mrs. Tunkorfson wanted to throw him the party of a lifetimne.  "You see Rory's birthday is New Years Eve, and it's a really tough night for a kid to have a birthday.  It was tough for him as a kid especially with Bob, Mr. Tunkorfson, and I always going out to parties and having fun...and leaving him alone with Consuela. I guess it wasn't really fair. But Bob and I have both stopped drinking, and we go to church now as a family, and I'm really active in the community.  Anyway, we just have a lot of making up for lost time to do ...you know?  And New Year's, Rory's birthday was the perfect time to do it."  Mrs. Tunkorfson was full of emotion and truly seemed to regret her party days of the late 90's early 2000's.  The AIG reservation really seemed to throw their lives into a tail spin.  "I felt really bad when I spoke to Susan on the phone.  Their was nothing I could do, you know?  I mean it's AIG.  You can't cancel on them.  Tunkorfson's were out of luck.  I told them that our Elmhurst store wasn't booked for New year's yet, but she said she didn't like going into the city because she got anxiety.  And that Queens might as well have been Africa to her. She said a lot of things.  She was upset.  I know she didn't mean it, but we're a popular place. It's not the first time I've been yelled at on the phone.  We can't make everyone happy all the time", said Bandkantzer. That was it. The Tunkorfson's would have to try and find other ways to win back their son's affection.

When the frigid night of December 31st finally rolled around, Phil Bandkantzer found himself hustling around the Paramus Chuck E Cheese like he normally would before any large event: blowing up balloons into the shapes of small dogs, filling cups of ice for root beer, and doing a last minute clean up in the sea of balls.  "I always make sure that there aren't any sharp items in there.  And that could be anything, doll's head half bitten off, plastic tip of a shoelace.  You'd be surprised what can cut you", said Bandkantzer emphatically.  After all that preparation for what was to be the largest New Year's Eve Party in the history of the franchise, AIG was a no show.  Bandkantzer brought in the New Year with an anchovy pizza, his favorite, and a tall glass of Root Beer.  Angry, Ashamed, and feeling quite let down by the Insurance Giant, Bandkantzer got into his two door Nissan Sentra with roll down windows and headed to his apartment complex off Route 78 West.  He wasn't looking forward to talking with the owner of the Paramus franchise, notorious business mogul Roger De la Soul.

Briefing De la Soul was a daunting task for Bandkantzer, but he did it boldly over a slice of Chuck E Deluxe while watching the View.  "He lost it man.  I thought he was gonna come through the phone and kill me", Phil said.  Roger De la Soul was unable to reached for comment.  His publicist would only say that AIG would rue the day that they blew off a reservation at Chuck E Cheese.  We were able to reach Hank Greenberg, former AIG CEO, before he left for his last ski weekend of the year in Aspen. "It's ridiculous. It's a very sad thing to see the people that I once worked with treating Chuck E Cheese this way.  Chuck E Cheese has always been a great place for a birthday party.  A great place for the whole family to enjoy.  I've been there myself and enjoyed it.  I think the guys at AIG are going to have a tough time finding their way out of this one."

As the lies and scandals continue to rear their ugly heads deep within this depression of ours, one thing is for certain:  Don't fuck with Chuck E Cheese.

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Tucker Carlson on Boston Whalers, Boat Shoes, and Kissing John Stewart's Ass

Posted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009

After a long afternoon of cleaning the Barnacles off his Boston Whaler, we caught up with Tucker Carlson and his top siders, in the stairwell of the Dublin House, in Red Bank New Jersey.  Carlson said he was there to for a pint and some of their famous Shepards Pie.  But we can't be sure seeing that there was a Young Republicans luncheon being held in the second floor dining room.  Regardless of his reasons for his Dublin House patronage, Carlson expressed some anger when we asked him about his angel investment into Bobby's Ballet. It seemed to be pulled at the last minute by Carlson and long time local Mortgage Brokering heavyweight, Bingham Coolidge.

  In response to our inquiries as to why the bottom fell out, Carlson muttered before ascending the staircase, "Why don't you ask that partisan hack John Stewart?  Mr. Jackson seems to be kissing his ass these days, just like everybody else."  His random reply has us asking a lot of questions.  Is Bobby Jackson, former Marine Special Forces Operative, being hired out by John Stewart and possibly Stephen Colbert, to take out some AIG executives?  Or, was Tucker just a bit too salty after one too many pre-lunch Guiness at the Dublin House Bar.  We can't be sure.  The only thing we can be sure of is that Carlson did make a hard left into the dining room where the Young Republicans were doing a lot more than tee-totaling.  As we took a peak through the partially closed doors we could see two quite small (it is unclear whether they were indeed midgets or dwarves) leprechaun-esque female strippers dancing on a pile of corn beef as they dowsed themselves with beer.We thought to ourselves, what a waste of food and drink, not too mention, a waste of talented short strippers.

It is uncertain how the rest of the afternoon played out in this small Red Bank Bar, but we can sleep soundly knowing that money was being spent in a local pub, even if it was by the Young Republicans.

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