Obama’s World Peace Solution: Keg Parties

Posted on Monday, August 3, 2009

(MP) - Pennsylvania Avenue exploded last night with the raucous sounds of house music, triumphant beer pong cheers, and keg stand chants. The uproar, however, was not emitted from any fraternity house or annual summer concert series, but originated from the biggest house party Washington D.C. had ever seen – The White House Beer Bender. It wasn’t little Malia and Sasha Obama however, emulating the Bush twin’s (or George W.’s for that matter) late night escapade shenanigans, but it was President Obama himself bringing the leaders of the world together for a bonafide peace conference rager.

“We apologize to the residents of our nation’s capital,” announced White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “for the noise violations, public acts of intoxication, and any acts of lewd behavior that may have inconvenienced our neighbors. We were trying to settle old grudges, and bring about a safer world climate, and, uh, it…just got out of control.”

The public apology has come on the heels of what President Obama hoped could be the hallmark of his early presidency, and perhaps land him a shot at the coveted Nobel Peace Prize. As Obama learned from his Rose Garden sit down with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge, Mass police Sgt. James Crowley, (a meeting to calm the national race issue uproar over a couple of cold ones), the President felt that it went so well, that he decided to take it to a world stage. On hand at the gala were a who’s who of familiar faces: Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Israeli President Shimon Peres, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, Mexican President Felipe Calderon, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, President of Ireland Mary McAleese, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany, President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan, and Somali President Sharif Ahmed. 

The party began at eight and proceeded to six in the morning. Witnesses on hand reported that what was to be a respectable event to negotiate social tolerance throughout the world, turned into a hedonistic romp of Dionysian proportions.

“It was like something out of an episode of True Blood,” reports one witness who wished to remain anonymous, “they all became so shit faced that by the end of the evening Abbas and Peres were on the same beer pong team, dominating and hugging it out, Ahmadinejad was holding al-Maliki’s legs up for his fifth keg stand, and even Dick Cheney was seen holding Nancy Pelosi’s hair back as she puked all over the front lawn. It wasn’t until Merkel, McAleese, and Sharif Ahmed started the wet t-shirt contest that everything had to move inside.”

It was reported that paramedics arrived on the scene shortly after the party moved inside. It is still not verified which world leader had to have their stomach pumped, but it is rumored that North Korean Premier Kim Yong-il was seen taking a extraordinary amount of ludes, and washing it down with Red Stripes brought as a special gift to President Obama from Jamaican Prime Minister Bruce Golding. The rumor started when some pictures surfaced on the internet of a passed out il in the Lincoln bedroom with nuclear penis rockets drawn all over his body in black marker, as well as two hanging testicles draped over the bridge of his nose. The North Korean government has not issued a statement at this time as to the authenticity of the photographs. 

Though it has been reported that no one at the party has “officially” apologized to one another, President Obama believes that, once again, he has taken steps to bridge people together through the great elixir that is cold, comforting, hoppy brews.  "I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart."

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Bulls Will Kill You If Drunkenly Taunted

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009

(MP) - As the final day of the San Fermin Festival comes to its raucous conclusion of fireworks, drunken debauchery, and general lack of common sense, one thing remains abundantly clear after this nine-day orgy of celebration: Bulls will kill you if drunkenly taunted. So, why would anyone want to risk their lives running in front of a pack of angry bulls? Locally, the festival of San Fermín in the city of Pamplona (Navarre, Spain) is held in honor of Saint Fermin. It is a deeply rooted celebration dating back to at least the 15th century. Internationally, it has become a test of male bravado, a summer vacation for drunken daredevils, and a final resting place for some unathletic adrenalin junkies.

“Oh, man, it was sick!” states Brandon Mavis, a U.S. celebutante best known for his reality show So Rich, who has come to Pamplona just for the event, “it’s like a 24-hour party here! I was still wasted, man. Then this huge firework exploded, the bulls were let loose. Dude, I sobered up quick. What a rush.”

Mavis is the quintessential tourist that comes to this event for no other reason than a reckless desire to have fun. When Ernest Hemingway detailed a pilgrimage to Pamplona in his 1926 novel The Sun Also Rises, the festival's notoriety spread worldwide and tourists have flocked to northern Spain ever since seeking the thrill of being chased by cattle for a half-mile, known as the encierro, and escape to tell the tale afterwards.

“Ernest who?” questions Mavis, “I don’t know, bro, don’t read much Spanish writers, my Spanish isn’t so good; but my buddy went to a bachelor party here, and he said it was f-in’ sickles, man. Said it’s like a manly right of passage, and when you finish, chicks everywhere just get nuts and fuck. Like you’re a gladiator or something.”

Women are traditionally discouraged from taking part in the encierro, however we witnessed some very untraditional runners in the mix.

“It’s about times some meat started chasin’ me for a change,” explained New Jersey born Jeneane Menthol, who was on vacation with her fiancé in Barcelona, but decided to come up for the festivities, “actually, it stunks of stale beer and urines around here. Then this little Mexican yelled ‘The bulls are coming’ and I saw them. Oh my Gawd, I almost wet my pants. I fell, and I was tolds to just stay down, and I just let them pass me. I think I saw someones get a bull horn up his ass. I must have been retarded to try something like this.”

The rectal goring has yet to be verified, but what has been is that this year’s fiesta has been the bloodiest in years. In the first goring death at Spain's running of the bulls since 1995 (15 people have been killed since record-keeping began in 1924), a 27-year-old was killed Friday after a bull became separated from the pack. In addition, a 61-year-old American was struck in the chest, and is now suffering from internal bleeding; a London man of 20 was also taken to hospital after being gored in the leg; and two other runners were gored and seven more treated for other injuries. This bloody week now culminates with the Pobre de mí - the last official event of the fiesta. The people of Pamplona, with candles in hand, converge on City Hall Square to say goodbye to the fiesta and immediately start the countdown for the following year's San Fermines! The mayor officially 'closes' the fiesta and calls on everyone to come back for more fun next year.

“Hell yea, I’ll be back,” exclaims Mavis, “you play, you pay. Can’t be known as a sick-fuck, if you don’t do sick-fuck shit, you know? Dude, I’m officially a sick-fuck runner!”

Like Mavis, many around the world that did live to tell about their adventure will be back to stumble in front of bulls and steers as they’re marched to meet their end in the bullring. Death has never stopped the festivities before, and certainly won’t hinder the countdown to next year. But it should be unmistakably clear, that if you mess with the bull, you do indeed get the horns – get them in the throat, in the leg, perhaps even in the anus. 

“No ways! Never again,” states Ms. Menthol, “It was like a bunch of silly boys, dodging cars. Those Mexicans are crazy!”

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Josh Groban and Michael Buble in Cleveland Street Battle

Posted on Wednesday, May 6, 2009

(MP) – After a long night of crooning in Cleveland, singer Josh Groban was looking forward to saying his prayers and turning off the lights at the Courtyard Marriot next to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame where he’d been staying for the last three nights.  But what he didn’t realize was that Michael Buble had something else in store for him: a street fight sing-off.

Buble and Groban are well known for exciting senior citizen women in ways their husbands can’t, or are no longer interested in.  Their crooning voices take them back to the days of poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and milkshakes-a simpler time where they listened to the likes of Frankie Valley, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and sometimes Bobby Vinton.  Although these men have cornered the over 65 female market in music, they aren’t so comfortable sharing the throne.

Michael Buble is well known for his rat pack martini drinking style that makes him irresistible to the Cadillac driving Boca Raton Grandmothers that swoon over him in the club house, or in private while driving around in the refrigerated land ships they call cars.

Josh Groban strikes a chord with the God Fearing women of the heartland and beyond whom although obviously sexually aroused by his Kenny G-esque looks and overpowering falsetto, stand firmly in denial to that accusation and claim only to appreciate his God given gift: his voice.

With Groban and Buble both in Cleveland singing their hearts out for their fan base, Buble thought it was high time he settle the score.

Michael Buble waited outside the stage door at the Cleveland Arena holding only his microphone and a Grey Goose martini-extra dirty.  When Groban stepped out and began signing autographs to the barrage of overweight women sporting stretch pants and over-sized Disney character t-shirts, Buble plugged in his amp and began to sing.  The mist came rolling off Lake Erie as Buble stepped out of the shadows.  His voice: electric.  The women: silenced.  Groban: enraged.  Josh ran his fingers through his hair and tried to recall the advice Ted Haggard had given him when he feels his inner monster being awakened: breathe and dream of penis.  So he did just that.  The women started to rise from their shock and began bouncing gently to the beat of Buble. Ever more engaged by the moment, the movements of their gargantuan breasts under their Disney tees breathed new life into the likes of Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and Yosemite Sam.  As Groban looked on breathing and dreaming his special dream, he decided that even though he was sans amplifier, he would meet his aggressor with his sword of choice: his song.

Michael Buble and Josh Groban sang deep into the Cleveland night.  Reminiscent of the showdowns in 8 mile, these two crooners gave their fans a night to remember.  They traded off with such powerhouse hits as The Little Drummer Boy, and Can You Hear What I Hear.  From there they moved into more edgy material like, Grobans rendition of Hold My Hand from Hootie and the Blowfish, and Buble responded with Maria from West Side Story.  They truly ran the gamut until the sun came up over the Great Lake, and all the ladies ran full speed in unison to the Shoney’s buffet  breakfast in the warehouse district. It was then that Buble slipped back into the shadows from which he came, and Groban stepped into his bulletproof hybrid SUV, popping in his favorite Jonas brothers CD, It’s About Time, as he drove swiftly to his bed and bible. 

Neither artist was available for comment.  But with their touring schedules mirroring each other we can only wonder if this feud is for real, or just a carefully orchestrated publicity stunt.  Either way the fans are getting their fill.

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New Swine Flu Symptoms Revealed: Beer Goggles and Walks of Shame

Posted on Monday, April 27, 2009

(MP) - The federal government has declared a public health emergency after 20 swine flu cases were confirmed in the United States. Originating in Mexico, where as many as 1,614 reported cases have been reported, it has been revealed that college spring breakers are, in fact, the source of the concern in the U.S. President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert, but is not a cause for alarm. We have always had knowledge of the what these kids refer to as “hogging”, and we feel that we will be able to take the necessary precautions to eradicate and educate.”

“Hogging” is what young adults, usually males 18-25, refer to as getting highly inebriated, and then proceeding to have sex with over-weight women that they would normally not consider to be desirable conquests. During this year’s spring break, where traditionally the highest percentage of drinking and hogging is practiced in the calendar year, there seems to have come an unusual amount of hogging out of Mexico – one of the most popular spring-break destinations.

“We are seeing these kids come in with what seem like common flu-like symptoms,” explains Dr. Abraham Schwartz, “you know: lethargy, lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting. But then after further inquiry, they begin to speak of heightened sex-drives, blurred vision, desperation, and an ultimate feeling of depression that then leads to the more manifest symptoms of lethargy and vomiting.”

The federal government is closely monitoring emerging cases and had declared a public health emergency as a "precautionary tool to ensure that we have the resources we need at our disposal to respond quickly and effectively."

Meanwhile, the European Union's health commissioner Monday called on people to avoid traveling to both the United States and Mexico, which seems to be the epicenter of the desperate “hogging” epidemic. The World Health Organization has also called the outbreak a "public health emergency of international concern."

“We are trying to determine how easily this very mean spirited mentality can jump from person to person,” explained Kenobi Moo, WHO's spokesperson, “it is too early to predict whether there will be a mild or serious pandemic. We need to get to the bottom of this hogging, or swine flu, or whatever it is you wish to call it, before it mutates and becomes harder to treat or fight off because people have no natural immunity.”

Incoming international passengers into the U.S. are now asked on a form whether they have various symptoms that might indicate that they are serial “hoggers”. Some of the questions on the form are, “Did the same heavy set woman that you saw in the beginning of the night look better to you after ten beers?” and, “when you awoke with said woman, did you sneak out and hide it from your friends?”

In Mexico City, where hogging is apparently rampant, authorities closed all universities until further notice, and military troops distributed 4 million filter masks in the city of 20 million residents. Mayor Marcelo Ebrard said he is wearing a mask "to promote people to use" it. Apparently the Mexican government feels that covering up these women will be able to get the situation under control, and stop apathetic U.S. college students from continuing their predator-like instincts.

“If the people of the United States will not stop being intentionally insulting to our women,” declares Ebrard, “then we will have no choice but to put the SQUEEZE on them.”

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Poopless Bo Obama Angers Hipster

Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Save Our Souls, the Brooklyn based Watchdog group, has launched a new division this week, The Divison of Unnecessary Broadcast Television, also known by its suspect acronym, DOUBT. The division will be headed by former YO Network Executive, Ted Sledge, who is known to have an eye for unworthy broadcasting due to his 10 years of experience producing it, and jamming it down the throats of the American people… unnecessarily.

DOUBT, a non-profit organization that is being backed by trust fund artist and occasional didgeridoo player, Graham Loveland of Bushwick, New York, will be a force to be reckoned in the new media.  Loveland has a background in idol time, which rivals that of most Prisoners of War.  He is said to spend mostly every waking hour watching the news while smoking marijuana and refusing to eat take out burritos his girlfriend brings to him.  His experience in complaining may also help, but he is banking on his years on the debate team in high school to propel him to the top.

“I’m over it.  If I have to watch Bo Obama attempting to take a dump on the White House lawn for a solid 26 minutes, I think I’m going to take my own life,” said an impassioned Loveland. “I mean I want to know what in the hell is going on in the world, but cheerleading with the CNN anchors that the stool of a Portuguese Water Dog is excreted from its canine sphincter is where I draw the line.”

Apparently Loveland was not bothered by the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, or the Gossip Girls Rolling Stones Magazine cover, which he proudly displayed on his $750 coffee table made from recycled lumber.  Graham is a fickle audience, but he is an audience, and an audience with money nonetheless.

“There will come a time when the world will watch stuff that matters on the TV, and on the Internet.  That time is not so far away,” said Graham.

Ted Sledge will be lobbying in Washington for DOUBT effective immediately. His first order of business will be to try and divert the attention away from Bo’s shit, and get to the bottom of the Economic shit that is concerning most.

“I’m ready to do what I have to.  I’m ready to do my job.  I’m no stranger to culture- poisoning programming.  After all, I was the brains behind, ‘Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Filthy Rich’, and ‘Fuck OFF: I’m Hot and You’re Not,” stated Sledge. “I can play with the decision makers in D.C.  I’m ready to go.”

Loveland will be waiting by his television in tight jeans and a half-shirt sporting an irreverent phrase or an 80’s punk band album cover.  He hopes to change the world.  He hopes that sitting on his couch sadly, and paying someone else to do his bidding will bring him satisfaction and contentment.  At commercial breaks, he will softly play his didgeridoo.

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Camp Kodiak: The New Bears of Wall Street

Posted on Monday, April 6, 2009

The Catskills isn’t the first place that comes to mind when discussing Wall Street, but this weekend there was a new wave of Wanna-be-Wall-Streeters camping, hiking, and sharing stories on how to break into the business.

Deep in the Forest, among the century timber and clean air, the hot topic among a select few was: how to do we do it all over again?  What’s in it for us?  How do we capitalize on the tough times of others? The answers for these folks lie within the Head Counselors and Co-Founders of Camp Kodiak, (a new empowerment camp for nefarious types wishing to learn new tricks of the trade in an increasingly regulated market), Jake Binder and Jack McGregor.

Jake Binder, former CEO of Silverback Securities, and Jack McGregor, former CFO of Cloud 9 Consulting have teamed up at the helm of Camp Kodiak in order to pass on their knowledge of creating value out of nothing, and winning no matter what. Two individuals with strong track records when it comes to making money off of seamlessly useless products and companies, Binder and McGregor are convinced that this Bear Camp will be a success in the years to come.

“Most Bears have done their best to stay out of the spotlight or deny hunting the poor and defenseless, but Jack and I say the hell with it…I mean we’re 65…we’ve raised our families, slept with tons of prostitutes, and managed to have memberships at some of the most prestigious country clubs in the United States,” explained Mr. Binder.  “Shouldn’t some younger kids have the same chance to live the good life as we know it?  I think they should.”

Some courses being taught in the weekend warrior session at Camp Kodiak will be: Short-Selling with the Best of Them, Lying: The New Honesty, and Feeding Time: When to go in For the Kill. Sharing in the mentoring of their students, Binder and McGregor feel these beginner courses will give the youth a true taste for blood which will keep them coming back for more year after year.

“Jake’s background in the bottom line and my background in the big picture will definitely help these youngsters get a good foot-hold in the business,” said McGregor.  “You’ve got to be selfish.  It’s the only way.”

It’s hard to argue with two men who have lead such industrious lives.  They have helped keep many prostitutes and strip clubs in business for years, they’ve kept minorities of race and religion out of their clubs and offices, and they’ve made tons of money and spent most of it overseas.  They’ve done it all.

The success of Camp Kodiak lies in just how insatiable the appetite for making a quick buck is to the next generation of Wall-Streeters.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

For more information on Camp Kodiak, you must first speak with the guy who knows a guy that knows another guy ... in the know.  After that, you’re pretty much good to go.

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Obama Urges Strong World Response to North Korea's Use of Tempur-Pedic Pillows.

Posted on Monday, April 6, 2009

(MP) - April 4th was International Pillow Fight Day, and more than 70 cities around the world (including NYC and Moscow) took part in the social phenomenon of an old-fashioned pillow fight. At an exact pre-arranged time or by sound of a whistle, the pillow fighters pulled out their soft, harmless bludgeons, and commenced a mass smack down. These pillow skirmishes can last from a few minutes to several hours. These world-wide events, some times taking the name Pillow Fight Clubs, a reference to the novel Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, in which anyone could join and fight as long as they fought by the rules. However, one rogue country did not play by those international rules, which has caused a backlash, and growing concern from President Barack Obama.

"North Korea broke the rules, once again, by not using feather pillows," Obama said in his speech, "Words must mean something . . . The world must stand together to prevent the spread of these weapons.”

What President Obama is referring to is North Korea's use of Tempur-pedic pillows in the International Pillow Fight Day, and has called for a strong international response to deter the future use of them.

"They, I think, have taken a provocative action,'' Obama said before heading into a scheduled meeting with the president of the European Union in Prague. "These pillows hurt, and quite frankly, are dangerous.”

Tempur-Pedic offers innovative technology as opposed to old fashioned, conventional softness. It’s pressure-relieving material is a breakthrough in sleep technology that has forever changed the way millions sleep. Developed by NASA, “the patented integration of multiple layers of TEMPUR material with different base materials provides a variable balance of pressure-relieving comfort and therapeutic support.” However, in an old-fashioned pillow fight, these “multiple-layered” pillows have been known to cause severe concussions and short-term memory loss.

“States harboring Tempur-pedic ambitions need to know that the path to world respect will not come through proliferation, but rather through talks based on "mutual interest and mutual respect,'' Obama told his audience.

This response to this weekend's pillow fight came during an already scheduled address on the world economy. Calling for "a world without Tempurs," Obama committed to reduce the role of Tempur-pedic pillows in American national security strategy as well as the size of his nation's arsenal.

“Look at the commitment we’ve shown in our own cities,” explained President Obama, “In Detroit, where participants showed up toting soft, feathery pillows, ready to rumble, and we were able to extract a subversive menace."

Steven "Tinkerbell" O'Chessee, longtime pillow fighter (and pillow-biter) traveled to Detroit for the big event, "Bryson Shiverpond took our whole class here, and we were all having so much fun hitting each other, and watching all the pretty feathers 'poof' into the air," Tinkerbell explains, "and then all of a sudden someone smacked me in the mouth with something hard. At first I thought 'I've been to those types of parties, and that was just not appropriate,' but then I realized there was some dirty pool going on with some really hard pillows!"

Local police were able to identify ballistic Tempur-pedic wielders, intervene and ‘disarm’ them.” According to the Associated Press, the cops "confiscated pillows but returned their cases.”

Korea’s  “Tempur use” had been expected for weeks. Leaders in the U.S., South Korea and Japan had warned Pyongyang not to go forward with their use in the world’s teenage slumber party.  Obama said that he thinks it is a clear violation of the rules of the International Pillow Fight Day, and of the resolutions of the U.N. Security Council. North Korea, the president said, faces a decision much like Iran's (also believed to be using the illegal form-fitting head cushion), as the U.S. and allies attempt to stem Tempur-pedic pillow use for both.

"If they want to take an appropriate path to rejoin the international community and break out of their isolation, that's available to them,'' Obama said of North Korea, in his remarks before meeting with the E.U. leaders.

Obama, who plans to travel to Moscow this summer, promised to negotiate a new Tempur-pillow reduction treaty with Russia by the end of the year, and pledged to bring into force the Comprehensive Feather-Pillow Use Treaty. He also said he would try to negotiate a new international treaty ending the production of the materials critical for Tempur-pedic pillows.

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Man Marries Grandmother's Mink Hat

Posted on Friday, April 3, 2009

Barry Tennison prefers the simple life: an insurance actuary by day, and a devoted husband come nightfall.

Passing his days with ease wasn’t always second nature for Barry-there was a time when hedonism, and excessive perversions controlled his every move.  It wasn’t until Barry settled down with his Grandmother’s Mink Hat that he found solitude, companionship, and a reason for living.

On March 27, 2009, Mr. Tennison wed his deceased Grandmothers Mink Hat on an archipelago, off the coast of Dubai.  With a Minister, Ben Habig, (hired from Craig’s List), and childhood friend, Whitney Prendergast, in attendance, Barry pledged himself forever faithful to “Nana’s Socket.”

“I cried.  I truly cried,” said Whitney.  “I mean you should have seen him before he realized that masturbating in Nana’s Socket was the only thing that really made him happy…truly happy.  He was a mess.  There was drinking, prostitutes … he had no job.  It wasn’t a good time.”

After speaking with Mr. Prendergast, an independently wealthy chess champion living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, we too were convinced that there was no other road to recovery for Barry.  “Trying to fit in can be the most difficult thing in the world when you’re in love with an inanimate object,” Whitney explained. “If more people pledged their faith to the inanimate objects they are bound to, maybe they wouldn’t be so upset.  I heard a man in Canada married himself last year. Life doesn’t have to be so difficult.“

The scene couldn’t have been more picturesque: an archipelago shaped like a Palm Tree in a hot-bed for human trafficking, two life-long friends, a minister with an online degree, and an eternal love for a Grandmother's Mink Hat.

After the ceremony, Barry held a gentle smile firm to his face, and asked for a moment alone with “Nana”, referring to the frayed mink hat fondly.  Before parting, (in search of duty free items at the hotel gift shop), we asked Barry how he felt.  He replied simply: “Blessed.”

It takes a brave spirit and a simple soul to chase down a dream.  Barry Tennison seemed to embody both as he affectionately caressed Nana’s Socket  gazing at the sunset over the Persian Gulf.

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Clinton to Mexico: “I’m still hung-over from my trip”

Posted on Thursday, April 2, 2009

 (MP) - Hillary Clinton wasn't always seen as the most humble of national figures. However, all that seems to have changed due to her two-day trip through Mexico that ended Thursday. Secretary of State Clinton was served up some humility, as well as body shots and bong hits, at every stop during her “spring-break” time across our southern temptress’ border.

 “I love it all!! The drinking, the drugs, the orgies! Where do you think Bill got the cigar idea, huh?  You can’t get stuff like this in the States. And that’s the problem. If we had it, we wouldn’t need to come down here to get it. Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade. Our inability to prevent weapons from being illegally smuggled across the border to arm these criminals causes the deaths of police officers, soldiers and civilians.”

The approach by Clinton, who's on her first trip as top US diplomat to Latin America, seemed to be playing well.

"It seems to me, it starts with tone," former US ambassador to Mexico James Jones said. " Mexico, like many other of our neighbors, is overwhelmed with the arrogance and hypocrisy from the U.S.  The Secretary acknowledged in no uncertain terms that the bloody drug wars here are, in part, America's fault. America needs it’s own drugs – period!”

The Secretary of State's humility in reaching out to Mexico is part of President Obama's plan to change sinking world opinion of the US.

"There are problems in any country, “an inebriated Clinton told a group of bikini-clad students at Consuela’s Tequila Bar,  “I spend my time thinking about the problems in my country as well. 8,000 people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico over the past two years. That’s sad! Isn’t that sad? I think it’s sad. We should just legalize the stuff. Then we’d have more fun up there. People would see we’re a happy people, and like us again.”

Her two-day visit also comes a day after the Obama administration announced new measures to boost border security. On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a $700m strategy that includes boosting security on the border, moves to stem the flow of illegal guns and drug profits from the US into Mexico, working with the US Congress, to pledge $80m to help Mexico buy Blackhawk helicopters, and steps to cut domestic drug demand.

“The US must reduce demand for drugs in our country,” explained Clinton, “and the only way to do that is to raise the supply. Clearly, what we have been doing has not worked and it is unfair for our incapacity... to be creating a situation where people are holding the Mexican government and people responsible.”

Secretary Clinton then proceeded to lick a body shot off of Toby Wingford, a junior at the University of Illinois, and went on to say. “President Obama needs to man-up! We’re in an economic crisis, and I’ve had the time of my life down here for the cost of a pack of cigarettes in my beloved state of New York (I truly miss you all). We can have a ball, decrease our prison populations, relieve our stressed and ill, and pump money into the economy at the same time!" she said.

In a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa in Mexico City, Mrs Clinton stressed the importance of working together to build a "common future".

"I feel very strongly we have a co-responsibility to intoxicate one another," opines Clinton. Clinton went on to say discussions with Ms Espinosa had been very productive and praised Mexican President Felipe Calderon for his "great courage" in tackling organized crime.

“Mexico as a nation does not live in fear but we are deeply worried,” states Espinosa, “The country will not collapse but Mexico and the US have to work together on these problems. There is no need for despair, but for action, in both countries. I feel a great first step is that Secretary Clinton was able to visit here and get completely shit-faced.”

Immigration, climate change, energy issues and security were also on the agenda for the trip; however, once Clinton went down on a fat line of the “white”, the topic of drugs always remained on the surface of her trip.  Clinton's trip is the first in a series of visits by high-level officials, including Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder, before President Barack Obama himself visits Mexico in mid-April to experience, first hand, the pleasures that await him south of the border.

"i just hope that my appointment planner opens up in April," muses Clinton, "I would love to be down there when the President is there. My "bounce-back" time isn't what it used to be when I was younger. I mean, I'm still hung-over from the trip. But, I'm sure he's not so much of a five-beer funnel kind of guy, but more of a master philosopher after a few bong hits of "the kind" as these kids say these days! That, I think, I could handle."


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Twitter: Teaching Failures The Art of Failing

Posted on Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Klauss Gerhardt, the abstract artist and long-time failure, known simply as “Klauss,” loves when Twitter gets so bogged down with traffic that he can't post a message. It allows him the opportunity to, “see the beauty that is the fail whale.” Twitter's "fail whale," a giant whale being lifted out of an ocean by a small flock of tweeting birds, appears when the site is overrun, and is so popular it's on T-shirts and even tattoos. The icon -- which Twitter users call the "fail whale" because the creature appears only when the site has failed to load -- has gained a cult following as the social media site grows at breakneck pace.

Twitter, which lets users post 140-character micro-blogs, saw a 1,374 percent jump in unique visitors between February 2008 and February this year, up to 7 million from only 475,000, according to Nielsen NetView. With all of those new Twitterers, fail whale sightings and site crashes seem more frequent.

"I love that it is growing to the point that we will no longer be able to micro-blog,” explains Klauss, “we will only be able to sit, and watch this adorable whale; but also this thing that represents the Herculean tasks that we sometimes go about from day to day. I have the image tattooed on my hush-hush places, and, like Andy Warhol,  I intend to re-interpret the image in all my future artistic endeavors.”

Klauss is not the only Twitterer to feel this way. Bill (mr_bill on Twitter), a 36-year-old San Franciscan, has organized parties in honor of the whale. The most recent, held in California in February, was attended by more than 300 people, including Yiying Lu, the artist in Australia who created the image. Bill, whose fail whale parties have featured an aquamarine martini in honor of the icon's color, said the whale's popularity comes from the idea that failures are worth celebrating and learning from.

"We're all trying to do a lot of things that seem pretty impossible," Bill said. "It's nice to identify something positive with those failures."

Paul Paulson, long time friend of Klauss, and serial failure, attempted a similar “fail whale” party on the East coast, but tragically it was a complete bust.

“OMG, I felt like Jimmy Fallon on his late show!!!, “explains Paulson, “awkward, anxious, unable to talk to anyone one-on-one.” It seems that the group updates that intended to crash the system were not working. “We were all doing the usual things,” reveals Paulson, “you know, trying to take that 'What are you doing?' question literally, and put very inane things in our updates every, like minute, but we just couldn’t get the glorious whale to show itself!  I was tweeting friends that couldn't attend (manic, CP, CW, TW33), and was really trying to push my own boundaries with witty “speed” updates, because I’m in training for next years Shorty Awards (The year's best producers of short* content 140 characters or less, on Twitter). I couldn’t BELIEVE that I didn’t win anything this year, but the whale has taught me to keep at it.”

It seems that Twitter is adjusting to the new “fail whale” obsession.  Twitter co-founder Biz Stone wrote in a statement to CNN, "We have made amazing progress from a technical perspective as far as accommodating this rapid growth goes and will continue to improve system and subsystem performance moving forward," So will Twitter’s advancements break up this new cult of complete failure junkies?

“Not at all,” opines Klauss, “We have failed. We must learn from failure. We must embrace our inner whale, and begin again.”

“Oh, we’ll see more and more of the “fail whale” in the future,” states Paulson, “ Celebrities are adding to the site's mainstream popularity, school’s in England are replacing studies about WWII and the Victorian Period with Twitter classes to expand communication! Imagine tweeting your teacher a 140-character book report on Moby Dick? I would love it!! People talk. That's what we do," continues Paul, "We're social creatures. We're kind of wired for this. We’ll overwhelm the system again. It’s only a matter of time before the “fail whale” will be a constant. If at first you don’t succeed…you know?"

The fail whale's account on Twitter has more than 2,265 followers. A Facebook group dedicated to the whale has more than 4,400 members. The whale has spawned art and merchandise, from coffee mugs to baby clothes.

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