(MP) - Computer terminals around the world are on red alert in the wake of the discovery of China’s new “Ghostnet” malware. The network can not only search a computer, but see and hear the people using it.  However, Analysts in China are dismissing claims that nearly 1,300 computers in more than 100 countries have been attacked. "This is purely another political issue that the West is trying to exaggerate,", a Beijing-based strategy and military analyst, told China Daily, a state-run newspaper, “ what we do in our own borders is of our concern. Although the Dalai Lama must be discredited, the West can be assured that there is no espionage into their government, there is little to learn from them. However, Scott Baio…from him there is much to learn.

According to a Cambridge report, titled, "The Snooping Dragon: Social-Malware Surveillance of the Tibetan Movement," the discovery of GhostNet grew out of suspicions that the office of the Dalai Lama had been hacked. "GhostNet is capable of taking full control of infected computers, including searching and downloading specific files, and covertly operating attached devices, including microphones and web cameras," explain the report's authors, Shishir Nagaraja and Ross Anderson. “The Dalai Lama’s staff sent a foreign diplomat an e-mail invitation to meet the Tibetan spiritual leader, but before the Dalai Lama's people could follow up with a phone call, the diplomat's office was contacted by the Chinese government and warned not to go ahead with the meeting,"

The Cambridge report goes on to explain that, “Hackers gained access to computers in the Dalai Lama's office by tricking computer users into downloading attachments in e-mail which had been carefully engineered to appear safe. The attackers took the trouble to write e-mails that appeared to come from fellow Tibetans and indeed from co-workers. This was how they were so easily able to get to Mr. Baio,” the Chinese government has since confirmed, “he had responded to an e-mail from former girlfriend,  Erin Moran, in regard to a “Joanie Loves Chachi” re-make."

Song Xiaojun shows no discomfort when explaining China’s fascination, and constant surveillance, for the washed-up celebrity. “Need I tell you the list? Pamela Anderson, Beverly D'Angelo,Nicole Eggert, Erika Eleniak, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Svetlana Von Fleeden Fleiden Shlooden Shloden-Leibowitz, and of course, Liza Minnelli. China loves beautiful and trashy women," Xiaojun continues,  "but we are not a handsome race. Charles is not in Charge when it comes to his looks either. We have listened into his web streams, read his e-mails, followed his click through analytics. How he moves from Aveda.com, to Manicattack.com, and arrives at his own IMDB page gives us great insight into what makes him desirable. We have learned very much.”

When pressed to comment, Baio responded, "Of course I feel violated. But…my IMDB ranking has gone up 232% this past week.” And, as a direct address to the Chinese that are following him, Baio says, “No, I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but if you have an attitude like you don't care and you have something to back that up, like money or fame, it's a beautiful thing. It’s that simple.”

So, keep listening China, and the rest of the world may just start to tap into your system of information.

(MP)- As if it isn't difficult enough to pick out a breakfast cereal at the supermarket, the decision just became that much more complicated with the addition of Kim Jong Krispies: the official morning meal of North Korea.

With a powerful dictator as its namesake, the Kim Jong Krispies brand has been finding its way onto shelves across Europe and North America.

“We intend to raise this violation of the Cereal Council resolution, if this continues, in our supermarkets,” Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said Wednesday. “This provocative action in violation of the WCO (World Cereal Orginization) mandate will not go unnoticed, and there will be consequences.”

“There has to be a better way for cereal proprietors to be able to share the marketplace, and that includes Sociopathic Dictators,” said Shannon Bonfonsis, Director of Marketing for the General Mills Corporation, and Secretary General of the WCO.  "Strong arming brands off the shelves, and at the same time isolating yourself from the Cereal conversation is not helping anyone."

The main concern for members of the WCO is the positioning of Kim Jong Krispies on the shelves.  In a deal struck with the Wal-Mart Corporation, Kim Jong’s brand was able to secure real estate on the second shelf up from the bottom, which is approximately 39 inches in height, and also the average height of a four year old child.

“This is a cereal…in attractive packaging …with professional graphics, and vibrant hues of color represented on both the front, and back of the box.  The cereal itself is yet again bright in color, and is in the shape of a Nuclear War Head. We have reason to believe that this will be very appealing to children between the ages of three and seven,” explained Philip Wentworth COO and Brand Director for the Kelloggs Corporation.  “I mean it’s got a good chance of blowing Frosted Flakes right off the map.”

The big question on the minds of the WCO members is, how did Wal-Mart allow such a gross violation of WCO standards to occur? 

"Amber Waves has been on shelf two since the inception of the WCO. Now, we’re on five.  We’re losing our grip on creating healthy children. Shop Rite, Food Town, Super Food Town and Pathmark are all in compliance. Frankly, the Food Town stores are refusing to carry the Kim Jong brand at all, and Shop Rite has only agreed to carry a limited supply through the end of the school year.  The only issue has been Wal-Mart.  We are all really shocked,” said Abner Greensteen, Spokesperson for the Granola Miles Group, (creator of the Amber Waves cereal series).

Bruce Thistlewaite, Public Relations Director for Wal-Mart declined to comment from Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas yesterday .

Greensteen is worried that we are sending the wrong message to our children by making communism, nuclear war, and cereal rich in sugar and preservatives, a part of our morning routine.  But as long as Kim Jong Krispies keep flying off shelf number two, another truck from Bentonville will be on its way to deliver fresh morning missiles to America’s children.

MP- There isn’t a family in America who hasn’t been hit by these tough economic times.  While most businesses are suffering, one New jersey psychologist has found a way to capitalize on a new disease he is calling TARP (troubled assets relief program) Fever.

World Renowned marriage counselor, and founder of TARP Fever Workshop, Dr. Jesse Jamison, feels optimistic his client base will be happy and healthy during this financial crisis with the help of his trademarked two step program.  “People need to allow themselves not to feel guilty.  If they have the money to shop at Bergdorff’s, or lunch at Nobu, or buy that Kate Spade bag they should do it-and do it as quickly as possible. “ 

We sat in on one of the workshops, and were able to speak with Francine Magdalano,  wife of Barry Magdalano, local entrepreneur and orthodontist, and proud mother of one Jo Jo Magdalano, a boy, age 16. “Listen I know lot’s of people have lost their jobs, but I don’t know any of them.  Kids keep coming in to get their buck teeth fixed all the time. I do feel sorry for the out of jobbers, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop wearing all my good stuff and living the good life.  Why should I? Like Dr. Jamison say’s step 1: get over it, step 2: buy something.”  Francine seems to have a good handle on things, and we wish her the best of luck in her pursuit of making herself happy.

Jamison went on to mention that he’s been able to fill endless prescriptions for Zoloft, Valium, and Wellbutrin, which will assure him a steady client base for the next six months to a year.  “People like drugs…what do you want me to tell you? “  Jamison explained.  Jamison’s philosophy is a simple one: “buy now, and worry how much it’s really worth later.”  Jamison holds a self generated digital diploma from Hofstra, created by his childhood friend, Paul Stentler. His PHD was a mail order from The Universidad de la Habana, Cuba.

The TARP Fever Workshop meets on Tuesday nights at 7:00 pm, at The Red Bank YMCA and on Wednesday nights at 7:30 pm, at The Jewish Community Center in Deal.  The Coffee and Bagel happy half-hour prior to the workshop is sponsored by Pfizer’s new energy drink, Vibrancy.  In order to participate in the drinking of Vibrancy you must first receive a prescription from a licensed physician.

So, there I was, in Sankt Poelten, Austria, covering one of the biggest news events of the century. Press from all over the world were on hand to cover Austria’s most heinous case: Josef Fritzl - accused of imprisoning his daughter from age 18 in a tiny, windowless, unheated, rat-infested basement that reeked of mold and lacked warm water, repeatingly raping her in front of their children, three of whom had never seen the light of day. His murder charge arose from the death, shortly after birth, of one of the seven children he fathered with his daughter. The Manic Press Corps had sent me over from the States. I would no longer cover Fresh Off The Field stories of adultery and assassinations. It was to be my lead into real journalism; haunting, gritty stories, the kind that get you recognition for with your peers, the kind that get you your drinks on the house. It had been a long, exciting week in Sankt Poelten, when something occurred to me…I had completely missed it.

I had awoken in my hotel room: tired, dehydrated, raw. I got a call from a cute little Spanish reporter with whom I had been tripping the week fantastic. Her name was Agata, meaning Agatha, meaning “good.”  She rode me like the Orient Express. I wasn’t surprised about her absence this particular morning. It was her MO. She told me she was leaving. The trial was over. Evil had lost. So was I. I tried to piece together the preceding days.

I recalled that after opening statements by the prosecution and defense, reporters were ushered out of the courtroom for the duration of the trial. We were herded into a large marquee reminiscent of a beer tent, flanked by sausage stands and a mobile sweetshop. It had been erected outside the courtroom to accommodate the hundreds of journalists who've arrived here to follow the trial. We were inundated with folders handed out in the press tent helpfully listing gourmet restaurants and fashionable new nightclubs in town and included brochures from the local tourism board. Mayor Matthias Stadler sought to promote his town as a tourism and cultural center, enthusing, "Sankt Poelten has never been in the spotlight like this before, and I hope to use this opportunity to make good contacts with the media for the future.”

At first I was appalled by his desperate declaration. Mayor Stadler was trying to make the most of their sleepy, baroque town's misfortune of being the venue for perhaps the most grotesque trial in Austria's history. Then it hit me, she hit me. I saw her in the tent area with a beer in one hand, and a huge sausage in her mouth. I was done. Agata and I hit it off immediately, and all of a sudden the pamphlets and nightclubs began to look enticing.

We would make a point to check back in with the Press tent. We would get updates, and sound bite testimonies from second hand sources like, “I am deeply sorry with all my heart for what I have done, but I cannot go back and change it,” and, “I had a very difficult childhood. My mother didn't want me. I was beaten.” Things of that nature. I noted that he was a textbook socio-path. Right out of an awful John Douglas profile book, equipped with an evil lair, and a bad childhood. The updates to my main office in the States were general and placating. I would write the whole thing at the end. It would be great. They trusted me.

I arrived to the Press tent and almost everyone was gone. The jury had found Josef Fritzl guilty of raping and imprisoning his daughter for more than two decades and sentenced him to life in prison. They found Fritzl guilty of incest, rape, enslavement and false imprisonment of his daughter Elisabeth. It also found him guilty of two assault charges and murder in the death of the baby, one of twins, which died 66 hours after birth. I was told that the eight-member jury returned a unanimous verdict on all counts. I heard that Fritzl, dressed in a gray suit, blue shirt and dark tie, stared blankly ahead and showed no emotion as the jury delivered its verdict. I was informed that my article was due in an hour.

I sat down, and milked one last beer to assuage my guilt. I had to regroup and give this horrible story the attention it deserves. Mayor Stadler spotted me in my solitude (Christ I was the only one in there, he couldn’t have missed me). He sat next to me and asked if I had visited the Austrian Museum of Tin Figures. “It’s a great miscellaneous collectibles museum,” he told me. I said maybe next time. Mayor Stadler's efforts to use the occasion to promote tourism in Sankt Poelten may be emblematic of Austria's inclination to evade the uncomfortable questions raised by the Fritzl case. The number one being: How could this have gone on for so long without any indication? I thanked him and left.

I sat in my hotel looking over my press packet. My notes were barely legible. Agata’s number in Spain was written in red lipstick on Fritzl’s biography and wrap sheet. A wrap sheet that told anyone that looked at it that they should have seen this coming. My press pack was all I had. I had to get this done. I had to give this story justice. I had to report the news. I had to lend it heart. The heart that I didn’t give it all week. The heart that I gave to Agata along with all of my cash and a possible case of herpes. My press packet will remember for me and hopefully allow me to at least keep my Fresh off the Field job. And then, as Mayor Stadler hopes, the press pack will remember Sankt Poelten for its pear brandy and its wine, and its new nightclubs and gourmet restaurants.

(MP) -Time.com is calling all hands to cast their votes for the leaders, artists, entrepreneurs and thinkers who deserve a spot on this year's TIME 100. Conspicuously absent for the fifth straight year is Roger De La Soul of De La Soul Enterprises.

De La Soul is the world’s leading entrepreneur in restaurants, television, social networks, real estate, and commodities. “I just don’t understand how I am not in the running,” explains De La Soul, “I find it atrocious when such a respected and honored news organization submits people like Thomas Beatie – the man-mom, Joaquin Phoenix, and the Twitter guys! I’m bringing people together, not isolating them, aggravating them, or confusing them. My services help people throughout the nation to cope with their everyday stress in their lives.”

What De La Soul is referring to are his numerous start-ups: pickonaforeigner.com, smokeymeatstomach.loaf, Water Bar, Fat Fux, Poop in a Pail, and ManicTV.

  “With my foreigner social networking site,” claims De La Soul, “I try to educate and spread understanding in our multi-cultural world. My Fat-Fux chain of restaurants have saved more marriages than Oprah’s Dr. Phil ever could, and the sheer confidence that one garners from using my Poop in a Pail product is the ultimate tool to boost self-esteem.” Always one to love the limelight, De La Soul has even tried his hand in acting, appearing as himself in his commercial for his ground breaking Water Bar restaurant in Manhattan. “I figure, why not? If Brangolina can go from acting to humanitarian causes, then why can’t the biggest humanitarian on the planet, move into acting?”

Many of De La Soul’s practices have drawn considerable scrutiny over the years, but De La Soul believes that all great men end up under the microscope. “When I was contacted directly by the Dalai Lama, and he was thanking me that my Poop in the Pail product was helping with his non-violent cause for Tibet, I knew I was doing good work. It isn’t easy being the King of all Media, but apparently it’s a lot more difficult to get on Time’s fucking 100 most influential list…unless of course you change genders, sexually assault someone, or bilk billions from people.”

In a surprising turn of events, beloved Afghani Mystic, Sheik Fark Feik Mohammad, makes a stunning admission. Sheik Fark Feik confesses to being involved in a swap of his Casio Cassette Player, circa 1983, with Osma Bin Laden, and his collection of 8 Track tapes and Fisher Price, 8 Track Player, circa 1974. The community leader and long time Taliban associate made the following statement:  "My apologies go out to the Peace Keepers of the World, and especially the people of the United States, for not coming forth with this information earlier.  I am a changed man, and sadly enough I have Bin Laden and his collection of Classic Rock 8 Tracks to thank for it," explained the Sheik. 

The Sheik has been suffering from lung cancer, which he apparently contracted due to excessive marijuana abuse over the last decade.  "I was introduced to the musings of The Grateful Dead, Nils Lofgren, Peter Paul and Mary, Cream, and Richie Havens.  This music changed my life, and led to the exploration of hallucinogenic drugs, and the daily use of marijuana.  The drugs changed the relationships between me and all of my wives. The last years of my life were a re-birth, and I wouldn't change a thing.  My only regret is that I did not come forth with this information earlier, because sadly, I feel it could have led to Osama Bin Laden's capture.  I denounce my past hatred for the west, and travel now back to the earth from which I came."  An emotional Sheik Fark Feik went on to explain that Bin Laden was desperate to make this trade because he knew that technology was changing rapidly, and he would need better recording equipment in order to make contact with the outside world once he burrowed into his hide out, in  eastern Afghanistan's, Tora Bora Region.  Sheik Fark Feik told us that he wasn't interested in the music or Fisher Price 8 track player as much as he was in helping out Bin Laden.  However,  he did admit that he was a fan of The Antiques Road Show, so it did cross his mind that if they happened to come to Kabul, he might be able to cash in on the collection, and player due to their age. So he made the trade.  "It was only a matter of time before I put on Peter, Paul, and Mary's Greatest Hits," said the Sheik.  He expressed having extreme curiosity for the album because it seemed to be the hardest part of the collection for Bin Laden to let go. Apparently, Bin Laden wept as he began to sing the lyrics to, Old Stewball, and then ran off into the hills singing the lyrics of, Lemon Tree. "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat, lemon tree...he went on like this, you know.  And I could hear him well into the hills, so I had to see for myself."  The Sheik laughed to himself.  "And did I ever see", he said proudly.

The Sheik decided to come forth with his admission because of Bin Laden's most recent calls to jihad concerning Isreal's occupation of the Gaza Strip, and the newly appointed President of Somalia, Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed. Upon hearing this recording, Sheik Fark Feik recounts, "I was listening, Sleepy Time, by Cream and having sex with all of my wives.  I told you we all get along really well now-even though I am sick I can still please my women.  So there we were and here comes Bin Laden's voice over the internet.  Yes, I have internet now.  I know it's crazy.  I even spend a lot of my time on my Facebook.  It's a great way to keep up with old friends," said the Sheik.  "I heard him, and I couldn't let it go on any longer, so I've come clean", an impassioned Sheik Fark explained.  He concluded by wishing the world the best in finding him, and offering to be of assistance in any way possible, as long as he was promised some medical marijuana if the Obama administration ended up legalizing the drug. His dealer had apparently done quite well, and decided to move to Crete with his earnings.  Sheik Fark Feik worried that if he continued to go without his pot the music might leave him forever, and he didn't want to die with the music still in him.

After leaving Afghanistan, we continued to pull back the layers of this relationship between the two men. We were able to uncover a connection between Roger De la Soul,  and Al Qaida, for the funding of his latest social networking site, Pick on a Foreigner.  It is now believed that Sheik Fark Feik  made the introduction between Al Qaida operatives and De la Soul as recent as 2006. With this knowledge, we can only guess as to how genuine Sheik Fark Feik was in his confessions.  Was it the cleansing of his soul he was after, or just some sympathy, attention, and hopefully some weed for a sexually underperforming Sheik dying of cancer.  Who knows.  But hey, atleast we know Bin Laden digs our tunes.

Roger De la Soul is slowly losing cash in this ever-increasing volatile market place.  The deal he thought that he would be striking with Amazon.com on their new "we'll buy your used video games", from the gaming set, has totally fallen through.  Actually he was just cut out altogether.  De la Soul had it in for the folks at GameStop after one of the executives kicked his ass "literally", in a heated game of squash at the Atlantic Club, in Red Bank New Jersey.  De la Soul hates losing, especially on his home turf.  After nursing his misery in a frozen coconut margarita at the juice bar, De la Soul found himself unable to shake his hatred for the GameStop Executive.  During a drunken phone call to a friend at Amazon, De la Soul had hatched his plan on cutting into GameStop's used gaming business which makes up 25% of their market cap.  Amazon bit, and the deal was in the making.  But as rumor has it, De la Soul's taste for the coconut margarita's, and his inflated sense of self, cut him out of the deal just as fast as the touchdown pass he threw to Amazon.  Only time will tell if GameStop can weather the storm.  However, one thing is for certain: De la Soul will be thinking a little harder about the next idea he decides to hatch under a coconut crushed haze.

In the age of bailouts and rescue plans, dancer Bobby Jackson has also requested a helping hand from Uncle Sam.  Jackson claims that advanced ticket sales for his performance of Don Quixote starring performance artist, Klauss, and local mortgage broker, Raphael Coolidge have been bleak at best. It seems that he won’t even be able to cover the cost of renting the black box theatre at the Producers Club on West 44th street in Manhattan.
 “I’ve got nowhere to turn”, say’s Jackson, defeated. “The government owes us something for getting out there and dancin’ for people. This aint footloose ya know.  Dancin’s not illegal and it brings a lot of needed heart to a shaken nation. People don’t know who they can trust any more….but I’ll tell ya one thing: they can trust dancers”.  
A man of few words, but impassioned nonetheless.  Jackson’s hearing before congress is set for March 9, 2009.  We wish him the best of luck in his pursuit for solvency.

MP - Paddling ashore to Sand Hook Beach, New Jersey,  Kobe Gunnison, Australian Speed Walking Champion, has "rocked up" to the US. In his quest to qualify for the US, and ultimately world finals in Helsinki, Finland; the five-time champ has set his sights on The New Jersey Speed Walking Final. His dramatic arrival was documented by the world famous Valentino Shwarshardgard, who is covering the event for his documentary "Helsinki". "Kobe took long and arduous journey to be here!" exclaimed the star-struck Shwarshardgard, "he is exciting, and very fit!" When approached, Gunnison explained his regiment as "bagging broads, speed walking, and bagging broads." He even called out New Jersey favorite Alan Benderhoven, making off-colored comments about the New Jersey native's former spouse, as well as already claiming victory on his march to Finland."He is fierce, and will be tough competitor for Alan," reported Shwarshardgard, "oh, and he has really tight buns...so, there's that too."

George O'Dowd, better known as the frumpy front man Boy George of Culture Club, was found guilty of beating an escort with a metal chain for attempting to flee his love nest in London. Norwegian Audun Carlsen, male escort (it is still unclear whether he is of Nordic descent ), said that his refusal to take a tumble with George lead him to a frightening evening of torture while being handcuffed to his bed. Boy states that he was merely detaining the sexual professional while he investigated the possibility of the "gentlemen of the night" hacking into his laptop computer.  Boy also stated that he had no issue with the Norwegian's request to use his computer to check his hotmail account .  It was only when he heard the voice of Pete Townsend on the line via a skype phone conversation that he knew the Norwegian had tapped into his small community of friends that he shares child pornography with on Sunday afternoons. Hence, the melee ensued.

Ballet afficianado, Bryson Shiverpond is torn to pieces over the arrest of his close personal friend, Boy George.  Shiverpond was expecting Mr. George to come to New York for a visit, and a possible collaboration on his latest project, "Dance til it hurts", which was supposed to premiere at P.S. 1 this spring.  The two were to begin brainstorming on the scenic design of the piece at the Galapagos Arts Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, because George just really loves their Mai Thai's.  But that won't be happening any time soon, and the fate of the show is now blowin' in the wind.  So Shiverpond sits in his lower east side apartment with the colors of a very sad chameleon coming and going on his face.  He says he'll do whatever he can for his friend, but admits that he is mostly feeling sorry for himself.