New York Cracking Down on Walking Laws

Posted on Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mayor Mike Bloomberg has finally had enough with the slow walking individuals that parade through his city on a daily basis. So, he’s doing something about it.

“It’s totally acceptable to come to the greatest city in the world and take in the sites, do some shopping, or go to the theater and what have you.  But to violate certain unspoken rules when it comes to sidewalk etiquette is completely abhorrent,” said Mayor Bloomberg while being interviewed on the 6 train, en-route to city hall yesterday morning.

The Mayor feels that writing citations to individuals who show a blatant disregard for walking etiquette in Manhattan may just help keep our sidewalks a safe place for foot travel, and cut down on the self-contained hatred that most people feel for the slow walkers.

Walking Rage, a new disease coined by Dr. Daniel Rudinski of the Upper East Side, has been rearing its ugly head on many of our city’s busiest street corners. It is a quiet rage that burns within us, and can ruin our day, week, or even our faith in senior citizens, children and foreigners.  Due to the polite nature that is inherent in all humans, we hold our tongue.  The anger and frustration is then sent inward and can eat us alive, or send us to the offices of Dr. Rudinski at 711 East 84th street Apt. #5.

“If we had a horn, we’d honk it…but we don’t.  If we were driving a jalopy maybe we’d bump them, but we’re not.  If we were driving a really terrible jalopy with no horn, maybe we’d scream knowing that we were protected by a ton of steel, but yet again we’re not.  We’re walking,” said a smiling Rudinski.

“As far as stories go, Dr. Rudinski has heard them all.  “The corners that people hate, the stairways most stopped on for a shoe tie.  I’ve heard them all.  I know them all.  And I’m helping them all.”

You could say that Dr. Rudinski is to Walking Rage what Dr. Zizmor is to acne.  Two dynamic, dedicated individuals with a passion for self-promotion, and a calling they can’t deny.

“Dr. Daniel Rudinski has been paramount in bringing this issue to my attention,” said Mayor Bloomberg.  “At first, I thought it was just me.  I thought that I was over-reacting to being stuck behind someone with a cane when I’m in a rush, or having to fight my way past a caravan of Mommy’s with strollers on the upper west side.  We’ve all had our situations.  And as varied as they are, we all have one thing in common-we’re suffering.  I think it’s about time that these individuals pay.”

The Slow Walking Laws and fines will include:

1) Stopping on the subway stairs for a shoe tie-fine $35. Stopping on the sidewalk for a shoe tie without proceeding to the curb or nearest building-fine $25.
2) Slow and labored movements while gazing at tall buildings-fine $45.
3) Handholding couples moving at a Sunday pace on weekdays-fine $60.  Handholding couples giggling and skipping on weekends within close proximity to noticeably unhappy couples- fine $75. Handholding couples- fine $25.
4) The mid-sidewalk friend chat- fine $50.  
5) The long goodbye in front of the subway stairs- fine $60.  The long goodbye in front of the subway stairs during peak hours (7am-10am and 4pm-7pm Mon-Sun)- fine $100.
6) Moving slowly to watch your own reflection in a storefront window- fine $100.
7) Couples moving slowly to watch their own reflections in storefront windows- fine $200.
8) Complaining on your cell phone to a friend or relative, and moving from side to side making passing an impossibility- fine $100 and cell phone seizure.
9) Walking aggressively alone while wearing sunglasses, and pretending not to see others all the while forcing others to give up ground for you- fine $250.
10) Sashaying unnecessarily as if you are on a runway at any point in time - fine $75.

Bloomberg says this is just the beginning. Keep an eye out for more walking fines in the near future.  To get an up to date listing of walking laws and fines, you can dial 311 at any time.

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