Obama’s World Peace Solution: Keg Parties

Posted on Monday, August 3, 2009

(MP) - Pennsylvania Avenue exploded last night with the raucous sounds of house music, triumphant beer pong cheers, and keg stand chants. The uproar, however, was not emitted from any fraternity house or annual summer concert series, but originated from the biggest house party Washington D.C. had ever seen – The White House Beer Bender. It wasn’t little Malia and Sasha Obama however, emulating the Bush twin’s (or George W.’s for that matter) late night escapade shenanigans, but it was President Obama himself bringing the leaders of the world together for a bonafide peace conference rager.

“We apologize to the residents of our nation’s capital,” announced White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “for the noise violations, public acts of intoxication, and any acts of lewd behavior that may have inconvenienced our neighbors. We were trying to settle old grudges, and bring about a safer world climate, and, uh, it…just got out of control.”

The public apology has come on the heels of what President Obama hoped could be the hallmark of his early presidency, and perhaps land him a shot at the coveted Nobel Peace Prize. As Obama learned from his Rose Garden sit down with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge, Mass police Sgt. James Crowley, (a meeting to calm the national race issue uproar over a couple of cold ones), the President felt that it went so well, that he decided to take it to a world stage. On hand at the gala were a who’s who of familiar faces: Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Israeli President Shimon Peres, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, Mexican President Felipe Calderon, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, President of Ireland Mary McAleese, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany, President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan, and Somali President Sharif Ahmed. 

The party began at eight and proceeded to six in the morning. Witnesses on hand reported that what was to be a respectable event to negotiate social tolerance throughout the world, turned into a hedonistic romp of Dionysian proportions.

“It was like something out of an episode of True Blood,” reports one witness who wished to remain anonymous, “they all became so shit faced that by the end of the evening Abbas and Peres were on the same beer pong team, dominating and hugging it out, Ahmadinejad was holding al-Maliki’s legs up for his fifth keg stand, and even Dick Cheney was seen holding Nancy Pelosi’s hair back as she puked all over the front lawn. It wasn’t until Merkel, McAleese, and Sharif Ahmed started the wet t-shirt contest that everything had to move inside.”

It was reported that paramedics arrived on the scene shortly after the party moved inside. It is still not verified which world leader had to have their stomach pumped, but it is rumored that North Korean Premier Kim Yong-il was seen taking a extraordinary amount of ludes, and washing it down with Red Stripes brought as a special gift to President Obama from Jamaican Prime Minister Bruce Golding. The rumor started when some pictures surfaced on the internet of a passed out il in the Lincoln bedroom with nuclear penis rockets drawn all over his body in black marker, as well as two hanging testicles draped over the bridge of his nose. The North Korean government has not issued a statement at this time as to the authenticity of the photographs. 

Though it has been reported that no one at the party has “officially” apologized to one another, President Obama believes that, once again, he has taken steps to bridge people together through the great elixir that is cold, comforting, hoppy brews.  "I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart."

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