Outraged Elephants Want Same Respect As Pigs
Posted on Tuesday, May 5, 2009
(MP) - With the hysteria over the H1N1 virus pandemic subsiding, a new uproar is occurring in regard to the recent change of nomenclature for the over-hyped contagion. In the past week, The World Health Organization (WHO), bowing to pressure from meat industry producers, concerned governments, and pigs throughout the U.S., said on Thursday it would no longer call the deadly virus strain “swine flu”, but would refer to it, henceforth, as influenza A (H1N1). This change has not only brought outrage from the avian community (whose name has been bastardized and forever linked with the H5N1 virus), but also a new group who wish to end the association of their community with the dreaded lymphatic filariasis disease – the elephants.
“We’re not in any way denigrating or minimalizing the severity of the disease,” explains Babar, the spokes-phant for the newly organized Elephants Are Really Steamed (EARS) coalition, “but we wish that the disease be called by it’s medical name, and stop the use of our species as a short hand from some carnival freak.”
Elephantiasis (filariasis disease), a disease that is characterized by the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals, is associated in the public mind with "The Elephant Man", the carnival stage name of Joseph Merrick. The name refers to the resemblance of the sufferer's limbs to the thick, baggy skin on the limbs and trunks of elephants.
“It’s not even in the same ball park as the pigs,” continued Babar, “they actually carry and pass their virus. Swine influenza - that’s right, I said it - is common in pigs, that’s why it’s called that. But now you have countries banning imports of pork from Mexico and the United States, so food industries and governments are calling for a name change to remove the link in people's minds between the disease and pigs – it’s just sickening! Who’s looking out for us? Who has our special interest at heart? Ivory lobbies? Yea right.”
No one in the government, WHO, or pork industries could be reached for comment, but it was discovered that Porky Pig had gathered, in a star-studded after-party, many supporters of the movement. In attendance were Babe, Wilbur, Piglet, the Three Little Pigs, and the biggest hog herself – Miss Piggy. Authorities, arriving on the scene after continual noise violations were issued, discovered a giant “boar-gie” in process. The party was then quickly broken up and all who attended went home.
“I’ve heard about the whole elephant thing, and I think there is a prejudice there,” opines Big Bird, a resident of Sesame Street and advocate of changing the avian flu appellation, “these pigs have these sick sex-parties, without protection, and they just spread their virus without impunity. They’ll have sex with anything, so eventually, that virus will cross species. But, if you have enough lobbyists and dirty politicians in your pocket, then you can do anything you want I guess.”
No pigs, hogs, boars, or swines could be reached for comment before this article went to press.